


the course of true love never did run smooth

by blueaeons



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mutual Pining, REALLY bad communication, Self-Hatred, Therapy, implied emotional abuse, someone give balth a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:01:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21791032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueaeons/pseuds/blueaeons
Summary: "Slamming the laptop closed as the video ends, he scrubs at his eyes, willing them to stop watering.This doesn’t change anything. Peter had chosen to make Balth hate him, chosen to let him move on, and there's no way he hasn’t succeeded.He doesn't deserve Balth. This is for the best."A look inside the heads of Balthazar and Peter during the events of Lovely Little Losers, includes scenes and moments from between episodes and other events we never got to see.
Relationships: Peter "Pedro" Donaldson/Balthazar Jones
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27





	1. december - june

**Author's Note:**

> yes i am posting a lolilo fic in 2019 and yes i have no regrets
> 
> title is from a midsummers night dream i felt like it applies to those dorks fairly well
> 
> im not entirely sure where im going with this but it will be all canon compliant! 
> 
> (also this is not betaed srry)

_December 24, 2014._

Balthazar sits cross legged on his bed at home, frowning as he hears his singing voice. He hates the way it sounds, he hadn’t had the chance to warm up and he knew he could’ve done it better. 

But, it was the only chance they had before Balth came home for Christmas, and somehow Pete and persuaded him into allowing it’s upload. 

Now his stolen glances were there for the whole world to see, including Peter. And including his boyfriend, Damien.

Balthazar’s blood ran cold at the thought of what would happen when he saw it. 

\---

Peter didn’t think he could ever get enough of his voice, the way it calmed him instantly, swelling his chest with warmth and endearment. 

But most importantly, Peter knew he could never get enough of hearing their voices together. The way they melded almost seamlessly, just like he had always imagined their hands to. 

Peter doesn’t even try to contain his smile at Balthazar’s final words. Eyes crinkled as he softly adds “and a happy new year.”

God he was perfect. 

Falling back onto his bed, Peter sighed deeply, biting his lip. 

Balthazar was perfect, but Peter knew he wasn’t. There’s no way he could ever be good enough for someone like Balth. He deserved the world and everyone knows Peter could never give him anything close to it. 

He would have to move on, and that meant accepting he would never hear their voices meld so perfectly again. 

  
_March, 2015_

This is why when months later, Peter declines Balth’s offer to record a song. _New Beginning_ , he had called it. Sitting behind the camera, the smooth singing voice causing a bitter feeling to rise in his chest, Peter can't help but see this as an end. 

\---

_June, 2015_

Hastily brushing tears from his eyes, Balthazar frowns as he sees a notification pop up on his laptop.

Beatrice had posted a new video for the first time since October the year before. 

Plugging in his headphones, Balthazar places them over his ears and tries his best to ignore the sounds coming from Peter’s room, and the dark thoughts that accompanied them. 

Even when the first thing he saw once the video loaded was him standing beside Peter — back when he was still Pedro — he can’t bring himself to look away. 

Watching his friends, his old life, he realises how perfect everything was. 

His friend group was close, intertwined. They all respected each other, and they all stood up for one another. They didn’t snigger in the hallways after Balth came out to them, and in return Balth was always supportive when they needed it. 

But most importantly, he had his best friend, he had Pedro. Sure, he was (and still is) hopelessly in love with him but at least Peter hadn’t known. And at least Peter wasn’t sleeping with everything that moved. 

Eventually, Balthazar can’t handle it anymore, slamming the laptop closed as the last line he heard rings in his ears. 

“Yeah, I love you. How could I not?”

On the other side of the apartment — still basking in the afterglow — Peter sees the notification out of the corner of his eye and slams the laptop closed. 


	2. july

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the month of july

_July 13, 2015_

Balth doesn’t even look up from his notebook when Freddie and Ben enter. He knows why they’re here, and he doesn’t want to think about it. 

It’s been a month now, and he keeps telling himself he’s over it, over Peter. 

The tightness in his chest at every smile tells a different story. 

“Hang on, why aren’t you in your room?” Balthazar swivels to face Ben as he asks the question, knee tucked to his chest as he does his best to seem calm. 

Better to act ignorant than lovesick.

“In here, we can’t hear what’s happening in Pedro-“

“ _Peter._ "

“Peter’s room.”

He forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“So Peter’s home?”

He pretends he doesn’t already know the answer, turning away from his friend to concentrate on his assignment. Well he tries to at least, but finds himself aimlessly tapping the end of his pencil on the paper, barely managing to get two words down. 

Balthazar knows he doesn’t have time for Ben’s antics. It’s not the camera — he had gotten used to that after all the drama last year — but it was incredibly hard to study with him and Freddie bantering across the room. 

If he doesn't get an A on this assignment, he doesn't know if he can handle it. For once, he just wants something in his life to go well, and it’s much easier to throw himself into study than to worry about the countless dramas flooding this flat and his mind. 

The only things Balth makes time for these days is coffee with Kit, or occasionally a call with Hero or Ursula. Their calm natures are a stark contrast to the chaos of the flat, and they always know exactly what to say to calm Balthazar down. 

\---

_July 20, 2015_

Sitting on his bed, Peter allows Ben’s latest ‘Balth in a Bath’ videos to play in the background as he hides in the darkness of his room. The harsh white light from the screen stings his eyes, but it's a pain that he's used to. One of many pains he's used to. 

Nothing matters anymore. He's lost his high school friend group, lost his _‘all round great guy’_ title, ruined his already broken relationship with his brother and lost his last chance with Balthazar. 

He keeps telling himself it is for the best, it’s for Balthazar, it’s to make him happy. And if Balthazar is happy, it doesn’t matter how Peter feels.

Balth needs to move on, Peter has come to that conclusion after truly listening to _New Beginning_ , truly hearing the lyrics and understanding the message. And that’d be much easier if he hates Peter.

Easier for Balth, but not so much for Peter. 

His heart clenches at the sight of Balth in a shower cap, the small smile pulling at his lips as Ben complements him. 

Peter misses the days where that smile would be because of _his_ compliments. 

But they are long gone. 

_As long as Balth is happy, it’s worth it._

  
_July 21, 2015_

Walking out from the kitchen, Peter fails to hide his confusion as Ben stops him, questioning him about the lack of milk.

It was days ago, why is this coming up now?

“It’s just… I think your _friend_ finished the milk.”

So that’s what this is about.

Anger swells inside him, but not his usual yelling and pointed fingers anger. He feels a strange sense of calm wash over him, his voice cold and emotionless as he looks down at Benedick. 

“You don’t want me bringing people around here anymore.”

“Do you have to have so many?”

Peter hates how clearly Ben is trying to avoid pointing out the stereotypes.

“It really is none of your business.”

“I know being bi-“

As soon as those words leave Ben’s mouth, all of Peter’s previous calm evaporates. He knew this was coming, he knew from the start and part of him knows he was wishing for it. Wishing for a chance to lash out, wishing for a reason to be angry for once. 

Slamming the door behind him, Peter withdraws to the darkness of his room. 

The calm never returns. 

\---

_July 24, 2015_

Since the incident with the milk, Peter hasn’t brought home a single person, and Balthazar is more than happy. 

It’s not that he doesn't want Peter to be happy, and god knows he feels guilty for it, but he can't deny the sense of relief that fills him each time Peter comes home alone. 

Nothing has really changed between them though, and the flat is definitely still on edge, but Balth finds himself hopeful that soon the flat would return to how it was in the beginning. 

Sitting on Ben’s bed with Ben and Freddie, picking out what movie to watch is making it start to feel more like home again. 

Just for a while, he can ignore that anxious nagging at the back of his mind, telling him to study, warning him that he isn't doing enough, isn't working hard enough, that he is going to fail. 

Well maybe he can’t ignore it, but he can at least push the thoughts to the side for the time being. 

The tight feeling in his chest however, he can’t remember a time without it.

The feeling of self-doubt returns however, when Freddie and Ben instantly reject his opinion. He does his best to keep smiling, but even he knows it never reaches his eyes. 

It’s times like these Balthazar misses the nights spent in Peter’s room, back when he was Pedro, back when they were equals and best friends. 

But he doesn’t miss them enough to brave summoning Peter to their movie night. 

“Balth, you should be the one to go.” He knows there is no arguing with Ben when he uses that tone, he is far too stubborn. And Balth is far too much of a pushover — that he can admit. 

“I’m not… entirely comfortable doing that,” he manages to stutter out, keeping his hands busy by turning the bowl, trying to stop his foot jittering. 

Finally giving in, Balth sends Pete a quick text before returning to anxiously pulling at his jumper, hiding his hands in the sleeves.

“A text? Balthazar, really?”

Of all things to say, all he manages to say in response is an awkward “hey” before he returns to hiding behind his jumper.

Rosa always said he used clothes as a defence mechanism, and he knows she wasn’t wrong. 

\---

Peter hadn’t missed Balthazar’s anxious mood throughout their conversation, or throughout the movie that followed. He has known him far too long to miss something like that. 

Yet when he approaches his room, he realises he doesn’t know what he would say to his best friend, his _former_ best friend. 

_“Hey, I know we don’t talk much anymore and I’m a total dick, but I still hate seeing you stressed out and would do anything to take that feeling away from you.”_

Peter scoffs at himself, knowing how stupid he would sound. 

So instead of reaching out and knocking on the door, he grabs the book from the dresser and settles down on the couch. 

\---

_July 28, 2015_

Standing up from his desk at the sound of a boiling kettle, Balth abandons his assignment after checking the time on his phone. Light is peeking through the curtains and he hasn’t even made an attempt at sleeping yet. 

Wearily, he heads out into the living room, frowning at the sight greeting him. 

Balth knew it was too long to last. It’s barely a week before Peter has stayed out all night again, returning in the early hours of the morning too drunk to make it to his room. 

Rearranging his jacket so it carefully drapes across his sleeping form, Balthazar takes a moment to look closely at Peter, closer than he has in weeks. 

He looks calm for once, at peace with everything in a way Balth never sees when he’s awake. 

Quietly, he heads to the kitchen, retrieving water and pain killers to place on the coffee table, and then back to his room. If he’s lucky, he might get a few hours sleep before he goes out to meet with Kit. 

Keeping his eyes pointedly at the door — aware of the camera filming him — he closes his bedroom door behind him, falling onto his bed in exhaustion. 

\---

_July 29, 2015_

**John:** watch ben’s latest video  
**John:** ‘peteley’

Peter groans at the texts from his brother. Since his outburst and Ben shaming him for his bisexuality he has been pointedly ignoring his videos, not wanting to know what he is putting on the internet for everyone to see. 

**Peter:** and why would i want to do that?

 **John:** because i care about you  
**John:** and i want you to be happy

 **Peter:** i dont understand how

 **John:** can you get over yourself? i thought we forgave each other peter.  
**John:** we’re family, we look out for each other   
**John:** just watch the video. text me later.

Peter rolls his eyes, locking his phone. No matter what John says, guilt still follows Peter like a persistent shadow. 

And that same guilt is what drives Peter to watch the video. 

He frowns softly as he watches Balth carefully lay out water for him, chest constricting at his small wave. He had assumed Balth was the one to leave it out for him, but it’s another thing entirely to watch it for himself. 

Muttering in annoyance, he skips over most of Ben mucking about with the fridge, playing the video again when Freddie charges into Ben’s room. 

“What happened with Mr Peter making flirty eyes at little Stanley?”

Peter’s throat burns at the memory. How close he had been to finally getting it out, how Beatrice had blown his last chance. His only chance. 

Somehow he makes it through the entire conversation without letting his emotions getting the best of him, but seeing Balth sing _An Ode_ pushes Peter over the edge. 

He isn’t sure if he wants to scream or cry, but his body opts for the latter as he forces himself to keep watching. 

His anger flares at the mention of Damien, at Ben saying Balth seemed happy. He still remembers the number of tears shed over how Damien treated Balthazar back in high school, and how helpless he had felt seeing his friend so hurt. 

Slamming the laptop closed as the video ends, he scrubs at his eyes, willing them to stop watering. 

This doesn’t change anything. Peter had chosen to make Balth hate him, chosen to let him move on, and there’s no way he hasn’t succeeded. 

He doesn’t deserve Balth. This is for the best. 

**Peter:** this doesnt change anything  
**Peter:** nothing is going to happen with balth

 **John:** if you’re sure  
**John:** just please look after yourself pete

Peter can't bring himself to reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -


	3. august

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the month of august

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to like clarify '---' represents a pov change, and '-' is simply a scene break

_August 1, 2015_

Balthazar sits cross legged on his bed, wrapped in an oversized sweater with a furrowed brow. His finger hovers on the trackpad of his laptop over the ‘ _upload_ ’ button for the flat’s — well Ben’s — youtube channel.

He doesn’t know what he’s hoping for by posting the song, a song he wrote in an attempt to _somehow_ explain the feeling tearing himself up inside.

Chewing at his bottom lip, he goes back to edit the description box, lying and saying he filmed it a while ago. Then if anyone asks any questions, he can simply brush them aside. 

He quickly presses upload, pushing his laptop off to the side before turning back to his textbook, pushing any thoughts of the song to the back of his mind. 

\---

Peter returns to an empty flat, a note on the fridge from Freddie saying she is with friends and he already knows Ben and Balth have classes. 

Peter opens his laptop as he falls onto the couch, frowning as he sees a new video from Balthazar. 

Immediately, his chest aches. This is the first time Balth has filmed something without him, without even _telling_ him. 

Has he let this go too far?

Peter plays the video, the music a melodic background to his swirling thoughts. The careful strumming a stark contrast to the mess of his mind. 

God, he's been an asshole, deflecting Balth’s every gesture of kindness and never offering any in return. 

All because what? He’s scared he doesn’t deserve Balthazar’s affection?

 **Peter:** do you think it’s too late for balth and i?

His brothers reply is almost immediate. 

**John:** it’s never too late pedro

 **Peter:** its peter  
 **Peter:** and aren’t you supposed to be in class?

 **John:** that doesnt matter, we’re talking about you

 **Peter:** its selfish of me to want to be with him even after everything i did to push him away

 **John:** you were kind of a jerk

 **Peter:** thanks for the vote of confidence john

 **John:** look it wont be easy but its worth trying, ok?  
 **John:** just try asking him out to town or something, spend some time alone with him again  
 **John:** it’ll take time, but im sure it’ll be worth it

 **Peter:** thanks john

 **John:** anytime

 **Peter:** now go to class

 **John:** love you too

Peter’s heart warms at his brother’s sign off. They might not have had the best history, but he is glad things are changing. 

And now maybe it’s time to pull himself out of the pit he’s been in the last six months, and start righting his wrongs. 

\---

_August 2, 2015_

“Did you maybe want to… go out? This weekend?”

Balth is surprised he manages to keep his heart at a steady pace. He knows he must be misinterpreting things, Peter’s probably already asked Ben and Freddie to come too. 

There’s no way Peter would be asking him out after the last few months. 

“I don’t know man… Where?”

“Town?”

There’s something in Peter’s eyes Balth hasn’t seen in a long time. Sincerity. That doesn’t, however, stop his need to understand, his need to clarify. 

“Is it a just us thing? Or are Ben and Freds coming too?”

“Yeah? Them as well s’pose…”

Balth’s face drops a little, realising Peter meant a flat outing.

But part of him thinks that if he had just left it, maybe it could’ve been something more. 

\---

 **John:** you twat

 **Peter:** i forget you grew up in england sometimes

 **John:** when i said ask him out, i didn’t mean invite your flatmates along too

 **Peter:** god ben posted that?

 **John:** sometimes your stupidity astounds me

_August 4, 2015_

“You look puzzled, are you actually thinking about something?”

“Why do you say that like me thinking is unheard of,” Peter retorts, wiping down the bar top. Peter and Jaquie are on the closing shift at the bar, and needless to say his thoughts are occupied by Balthazar. 

“Because you’re Peter Donaldson,” Jaquie scoffs, “in the time I’ve known you, you’ve made zero good decisions. That usually implies a lack of thinking.”

“I mean, I slept with you?” Peter waves his hand in a questioning gesture.

“I thought we both agreed that was a mistake,” Jaquie glares at him, and Peter nods in agreement. “Tell me what’s up.” Jaquie puts her cloth down, resting her elbows against the bar top. 

“I want to start turning my life around, to show someone I’m not a complete failure anymore but I don’t know how,” Peter confesses, brow furrowed as he falls into a bar stool. 

“You got your eyes on someone?” Jaquie teases, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes as she stacks glasses behind the counter. 

“Shut up,” he groans, resting his head on the bar, instantly regretting it as he’s met with the sticky residue of spilt alcohol. 

“Well a friend of mine is directing a play soon, _Doctor Faustus_. Auditions are this weekend if you want to give it a go?”

“Can’t, going out this weekend with my flatmates,” Peter deflects, struggling to imagine himself in a play. 

“You, doing something with your flatmates?” Jaquie teases, the glint in her eye returning, causing Peter to roll his eyes. 

“The someone is Balthazar,” Peter admits with a pointed look, knowing Jaquie would get the message. No one else is to know. 

“Well, auditions are Saturday morning, I’ll text you the address.” Peter watches as she chucks the disposable cloth in the trash. “Come or don’t come, it’s up to you.”

Peter nods, deep in thought as he watches her gather her things. 

“See you tomorrow, Pete. Don’t forget we’re going to that Spanish tapas place.”

Peter simply hums in response, still considering her offer. 

Wouldn’t a play be the perfect thing to show he’s on the right track again?

_August 6, 2015_

Peter leans against the kitchen counter, head aching — and for once not even from a hang over. 

He had been serious when he said he wanted to change his ways, but honestly? He is surprised at how much energy it takes out of him. 

“You should have some toast!”

Peter casts a sideways look in Ben’s direction, eyebrows raised in confusion and disbelief. 

“I’ll butter it for you!”

Finally catching on to what he is trying to do, Peter smiles cooly. 

“Ben, I’m fine. Don’t need your toast.”

“You don’t eat anymore.”

“You sound like my mother,” Peter scoffs, mentally adding ‘ _and my brother_ ’.

“Ped... ter. You should eat more.”

Peter knows he should find the concern heart warming, but with the pounding behind his eyes he is only beginning to find it frustrating. 

“I- I have eaten! Last night I had some tapas.” Peter almost sounds proud as he explains his meal.

“Tapas is not real food.”

Peter storms out, unsure what to think.

He has spent so long as the angry, distant flatmate that at this point it’s like he doesn’t know how to escape the role.

He hadn’t been angry at Ben, so why had he said those things?

That’s something for him to figure out another day.

\---

_August 7, 2015_

Balthazar knows he’s taking too long to simply pick out a shirt, but nothing he does seems to calm the churning in his stomach or the tightness in his chest. 

It’s so much worse than what he’s used to, worsening each time he thinks about spending a whole night out with a drunk Peter, amongst strangers and in tight, crowded places.

But as Peter snaps back at Ben in his defence, his feeling of dread lessens, and he can’t help but think that tonight might end better than he ever could have hoped.

The night starts slow as they head into town, and the constant close ups Peter takes of his face don’t go unnoticed by Balth. For once, the close camera doesn’t make him uncomfortable.

And when they run into Chelsey, Balth doesn’t even try to brush off Peter’s arm as it rests across the small of his back.

He knows it’s just because he’s had a couple drinks, but it doesn’t stop him resting his arm on Peter’s waist in return. 

He relishes in the feeling, the way Peter clings to him, his side flush against his own. 

But in all seriousness, the weight of Peter’s arm on his back and his eyes on his face really isn’t helping the whole ‘ _getting over him_ ’ thing.

Eventually — while trapped in a busy club — Balthazar realises Peter has had one too many drinks, and suddenly his feeling of anxiety returns. He doesn’t even know where Freddie or Ben are, leaving them completely alone amidst a crowd of strangers. 

“You know, Balthy,” Peter starts, leaning closer to him, close enough for Balthazar to smell the liquor on his breath, “tonight was just meant to be us.”

“I- I didn’t realise,” Balthazar mutters, avoiding eye contact as he carefully extracts the half full glass of god knows what from Peter’s grip.

“It’s not too late to head out on our own, do this properly?”

Balthazar’s heart rate picks up at the proposition, but he knows it’s just because he’s drunk, it has to be. Peter would never do something like that while sober, never think he is good enough, not even good enough to be one of his many hook ups.

“Not tonight,” Balthazar responds curtly, slamming the glass on the bench before trying to escape the club. The combination of pounding music, loud voices and crowded spaces was almost too much to bear on its own, but now with thoughts of Peter clouding his mind Balth can’t cope. 

The only time Balthazar will ever be good enough for him is when he’s too drunk to remember it the next day, and it hurts, god it hurts. It hurts and it hurts and he can’t stop thinking it. 

Pushing his way through the crowds desperately, his breathing quickens to the point where he finds himself struggling to draw in breath at all. 

Pushing through the front door, the air doesn’t even feel cold as he crouches outside the club, head between his knees as his breaths come in ragged gasps, eyes stinging as pressure builds in his throat. 

This is too much, too much, too much for one night. 

As Balthazar finally slows his breathing, all he can think about is how alone he is. Even when surrounded by people, he’s always alone. 

\---

Trying to weave his way through the club in his drunken state proved far more difficult than anticipated. By the time Peter realise’s Balthazar has left, theres no trace of him, or where he went. 

Wandering aimlessly through the streets, he realises he’s not sober enough to know what he’s doing, but honestly he’s stopped caring. What is the point in anything if Balthazar doesn’t want to spend time with him?

Peter hadn’t missed how quickly Balth had bolted at the mention of a date, how fast he had vanished through the crowd. Is he really that repulsive?

Eventually, he finds Ben and doesn’t hesitate to take the camera off him. 

He rambles aimlessly at the camera, unsure of where he’s going, but feeling a need to get his point across. 

“I need you to want- I just need you to know that the- that the best thing happened to me in a long time. I’m bisexual, I came out last year and my head has been more sorted than it ever has been in my entire life.”

He knows he’s lying, even with his head clouded with alcohol. All it coming out did was make him realise how he truly feels about his best friend. And how he knows it could never happen. Peter made sure of that. 

“I thought I wanted to be someone’s boyfriend. In conclusion, everything last year, I got wrong.”

_If he hates you, he can move on._

_But now that you’ve succeeded, you’ve been left behind._

\---

By the time Balthazar finds Ben again, he has at least a couple more drinks in his system, but he still can’t look at Peter without drowning in a sense of anticipation. 

Anticipation of what, he isn’t so sure. 

It’s only when he’s sitting on the couch, talking about how he doesn’t feel the need to go to town that it reaches breaking point. 

Hearing Peter mutter “typical” as he walks behind him stings more than he’d like to admit. 

“Is there anything you didn’t like about tonight?”

“Pete’s drinking,” he snaps, the memory of a drunk Peter clinging to him still fresh in his mind. 

“You can’t just say that!” 

Balthazar knows they are both still drunk, but he doesn’t care anymore. This has been going on for too long. 

“I just answered honestly!”

“What, you got an issue with me, say it to my face!”

The argument goes on, and Peter gets more and more defensive.

It takes Balth longer than he would’ve liked to say what he truly means. 

“I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I knew it made you happy!”

“I don’t need you to hold my hand!”

“I’m terribly sorry for having care about your wellbeing!”

“You don’t need to! Because let me tell you, we’re not-“

Balthazar doesn’t need to hear the end of his sentence to know what he was going to say. 

_We’re not together._

\---

_August 8, 2015_

Peter isn’t sure how he managed to get out of bed in time to make it to auditions, but he’s glad he did. 

Jaquie greets him with a smile, and the director — Costa — greets him with a hug that is just a little too enthusiastic. 

The audition goes well, and he smiles as he’s instantly offered a callback. 

It’s bittersweet however, knowing that he only did this to show Balth he is turning his life around, showing he can do something for a change. 

But after last night, he knows it’ll be useless. After what he said and how he blatantly dismissed Balth’s care for him…

“I saw the video,” Jaquie says plainly as they walk out onto the street. 

“I’m an asshole,” Peter murmurs, rubbing a hand across his eyes as he shoves the other in his coat pocket. 

“I get you were drunk, but if you really care about Balthazar, why did you say those things?”

Jaquie is sarcastic and clinical, but she knows when her kindness is needed. That’s one of the things Peter likes about her the most, how well she can read him. 

“I wish I knew.”

“I know you’re thinking it, but it’s not too late.” Jaquie puts a hand on Peters forearm, halting his steps. “I’m not letting you give up yet.”

Peter nods, keeping his eyes on the pavement as he shifts from foot to foot. “I hope so.”

_Not that I deserve him after what I’ve done._

After a moment of silence, a realisation hits him, sending him stumbling a few steps backwards. 

“Flat meeting!” is all he yells in explanation as he dashes down the street, thankful he wore his sneakers. 

\---

When Peter finally turns up to the flat meeting, Balthazar keeps his eyes pointedly on Freddie or on the ground. 

He can feel Peter’s eyes on him constantly, his chest tightening each time he hears his voice, each time a memory from the night before comes back to him. 

But he can’t help but smile at some of Ben’s suggestions, and once all the rules are in place, he slips into a feeling of calm he hasn’t felt in months. 

He no longer has to worry about Peter and whatever there is — _was_ — between them, and maybe he had been spending too much time locked away in his room, working into the early hours of the morning. 

He can sense Peter loosening up too. Maybe this is all the flat needed. Maybe he can get his best friend back. 

Over the last six months, it had felt like that guy he grew up with — texted till the early hours of the morning, the guy that spent so much time at his house his mother considered him family — it had felt like he was gone for good. 

But maybe now he would start to come back, not in the same way that’s for sure, but in a way they could get back what they had. 

\---

_August 11_

**Paige:** Hey Balth! Just checking in to see how you’re holding up : ) 

Balthazar sighs, putting his pen down as he reaches over to check his phone. She doesn’t mention it, but Balth knows she’s seen the videos. 

**Balthazar:** im not bad, feeling a little optimistic really

It wasn’t the entire truth. Sure he had been optimistic at first, but he was wrong about the rules changing Peter. He still hides away in the dark of his room, only coming out for occasional meals. 

**Paige:** I’m glad! Mind if I come over?

Balth glances at the clock. He’s been working for too long anyway, he knows it’s ok to take a break. And either way, Paige has always been great at calming him in a way no one else seems to be able to. 

**Balthazar:** course, ill make sure there’s hummus ;)

-

“How are you really, Balth?” Paige questions, putting her ukulele down as she turns to face him. 

“I told you, I’m fine,” he insists, avoiding eye-contact as he grabs more food. 

“Chelsey saw you having a panic attack in front of the club on Friday Bal-“

“Wait what? She saw that?” Balth splutters, sitting up straight.

“What she saw doesn’t matter Balthazar, it’s the fact that it happened in the first place.”

“It’s fine, it was just a one off thing-“

“Don’t lie to me, not about this.”

Balthazar sighs, looking up at the ceiling. Closing his eyes for a split second, he breaths out gently. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Start seeing the counsellor at school, yeah? Even if it’s just once a fortnight. I’ll come help you set it up if you’d like?”

Balth nods quickly, a relieved but meek smile pulling at his lips. 

“I’d like that.”

-

Seeing Rosa again is nice, Balthazar decides. Seeing her reminds him of a time when he was younger, before all this drama was so present in his life, and most importantly before ‘Pedro’ became his best friend as well as his highschool crush. 

She doesn’t stay long however, simply saying she only dropped by to say she was back in town before she needed to get back to her apartment. 

Balth manages to persuade her to stay to record Paiges song, and he can’t help the happy feeling swell inside him. 

Music has always been his escape, but sometimes he forgets how much fun it is singing and performing with the people he cares about. 

Just before she leaves, Rosa pulls him aside. 

“Are you doing ok, Balth?”

The concern is evident in her eyes, she’s know him way too well to not notice when somethings up. 

He knows there’s no point in denying it anymore. 

“Not right now. But I’m getting there.”

Rosa doesn’t hesitate to pull him in for a hug for the first time in years.

“I’m always here if you need it.”

\---

_August 13_

Peter swears as he looks at the calendar. It’s two days until Hero’s birthday. He knows he can’t do nothing, after last year he owes her more than just a nice present, but he hasn’t got a clue where to start. 

“Hey Pete,” Balth smiles, walking from his room to the kitchen. Wrapped in a jumper at least two sizes too big for him, Peter’s heart can’t help but skip a beat at the sight of him. 

If Balth notices how Peter stares at him in awe, he doesn’t comment on it. 

Shaking himself out of it, Peter closes his eyes for a brief moment, breathing in, before following him into the kitchen. 

“Hey Balth, have you got anything for Hero yet?”

Balth almost looks stunned to see Peter talk to him, and that look crushes him. 

“Uh- No, not yet. I was going to sing her a song.”

“Want to go halves? I was thinking of heading into town to by her a gift voucher for that clothes place she likes.”

“Sounds good,” Balth smiles, nodding meekly, “I have something to do at Uni later today, so we can go together in a bit?”

Peter hasn’t missed the fortnightly addition to the flat calendar, simply labelled ‘ _uni meeting_ ’. He’s certain there’s more to it than that, but Peter doesn’t want to invade his privacy. Not after everything. 

“I- I’d love that,” Peter smiles, standing in the doorway of the kitchen awkwardly, both of them unsure of what to say. 

“Tea?”

“Please.”

  
\---

_August 17_

When Peter’s called into a flat meeting in Freddie’s room, he knows something’s up when they start without Balthazar. 

Thankfully, he soon realises it’s about finding a punishment for Balthazar going over budget. 

“I think he should live off nothing but my hummus for three weeks!” Ben says, with far too much excitement. 

“No, no way,” Peter says sternly, his hand in the air. “He’s skinny enough as it is, we are not putting him on a diet of nothing but hummus.”

“So you do actually take note of his existence then,” Ben murmurs, leaning back towards Freddie, lounging across her bed. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Peter snaps, sitting up straighter as he uncrosses his legs. 

“You haven’t cared about his eating habits before, why do you care now?” Ben argues. 

“That’s enough,” Freddie sighs, sending a glare at Ben. “Peter’s right, we’re not going to starve Balthazar.”

“What about we give him hummus with something that really shouldn’t go with hummus?” Peter suggests, hoping they don’t make the punishment more harsh. 

“Or we could give him hummus with every meal for a week! Then we can also make sure he’s actually eating enough meals-“

“No, a week is way too long Ben,” Peter insists. 

“Fine, for three days he eats hummus with every meal, deal?” Freddie interjects, looking between the pair of them. 

“Deal!” Ben says enthusiastically, almost jumping up off the bed. 

“Let’s go tell Balthazar,” Peter sighs, running a hand through his hair as he stands. 

-

As they sit on the couch, all Peter can think about is how close he is to Balthazar. He can feel every movement of Balth’s leg as it rests against his thigh, and it takes all of his self control to not play with Balthazar’s sweater, his hand barely an inch away from the hem. 

It somehow feels so different to Freddie, who is touching him even more than Balth, yet he couldn’t care less.

Peter resists the urge to stare at Balthazar in awe as the filming of the video continues. 

Over the next three days, Peter starts to realise why Balthazar is so thin. 

With each of his meals under scrutiny of the camera, he can’t help but be concerned at what Balthazar considers to be enough food for the day, and how many meals he skips. He was never like this in high school.

“C’mon, you need more than that for lunch,” Peter insists, looking at the half a slice of thin bread with peanut butter skimmed across the top. 

“This is what I normally eat,” Balthazar shrugs nonchalantly, holding the plate out, expecting a dollop of hummus. 

Peter is the only other one home currently, leaving him on hummus duty. 

“If you eat at least one more slice of bread, I’ll let you go without hummus,” Peter bargains, raising an eyebrow hopefully. 

Balthazar looks up at Peter through his eyelashes, clearly considering the offer. 

Peter smiles, waving the hummus spoon in front of him, knowing he will win. 

“Fine,” Balth sighs, trying to act disgruntled, but Peter doesn’t miss the small smile pulling at his lips as Peter chucks a spoonful of hummus down the drain. 

-

On the second day of Balth’s punishment, all four of them stand in the kitchen as Peter tips some hummus into his bowl of ice-cream. 

When they both take a spoon full of the mixture, Peter doesn’t register the taste because all he can think about is the way Balth’s hand clutches his arm. It’s brief, yet so relaxed and intimate. 

He’s glad his reaction isn’t caught on camera, and it takes all his strength to keep his voice steady as he watches Balth struggle to swallow the concoction. 

\---

_August 20_

It’s midday on a Friday, and Ben and Freddie are out getting coffee, leaving Balth and Peter alone as they lounge on the couches, reading their respective textbooks. 

“If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell Ben or Freddie?”

It takes a moment for Balth to process what Peter is saying. The way he looks over at him, so relaxed and comfortable. 

It feels like old times, back in their high school bedrooms, back where Balth first fell in love. 

“Yeah, ‘course.” 

“I auditioned for a play and got like, the lead role.” Peter says this with such a wide smile that Balth can’t help but smile too. 

“That’s so good! I’m proud of you,” Balth responds, and it’s true. Looking at Peter now, there’s barely a trace of the Peter he has been the last few months. 

“But you know how Ben and Fred would be about it, right?” Peter says cautiously, raising an eyebrow slightly as he shifts to sit upright on the couch. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Balth nods quickly. If Peter doesn’t want them to know, he would keep it to himself. “I really am happy for you, Pete.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, and Balth feels more comfortable around Peter than he has all year. 

“Mind helping me with something? I don’t quite understand this,” Balth says, lifting his textbook slightly, and that’s all it takes for Peter to jump over the edge of the couch, sitting as close to Balthazar as possible as he reads over the page. 

Balth knows getting closer to Peter again could just be asking for more heartbreak, but he knows he can’t resist it. 

Especially not when he’s sitting right there, thigh flush against his own, smile bright as he tries explaining the concept to him. 

He’s never felt so hopeful. 

  
_August 21_

The next morning, the four of them prepare for a flat challenge, and although Balthazar tries not to show it, he’s confused at Pete’s standoffishness. 

Just yesterday they had been laughing on the couch as he explained history to him, and now he’s sulking at the back of the sofa as they pick out the challenge. 

Balth has to admit he enjoys the challenge though, not necessarily enjoying being force fed cereal, but enjoying laughing and having fun with his friends. 

He hasn’t let himself loosen up around the flat for what feels like forever, and everyone — including Peter — seems to be enjoying themselves. 

Even when Peter rushes off to take a call, Balth’s mood doesn’t drop like he would’ve expected it to. He assumes it’s to do with his play, and if anything he feels a small amount of pride that he is finally taking on responsibility. 

His belief is even further enforced when Peter comes rushing back, prepared to still try his best to win. 

As the challenge ends, and the whole flat celebrates, Balth can’t ignore how his eyes keep finding Peter’s, or how he can’t help but smile each time they hold eye contact for just that little bit longer than would be necessary. 

He feels like a teenager again, a teenager falling for his best friend. 

\---

_August 23_

“Ben and Freddie were trying to figure out the ‘ _F_ ’s on the calendar this morning,” Balthazar says, looking over at Peter as they both lay on his bed, textbooks spread out around them. 

Peter raises his eyebrows, trying to think of something to say in response. 

“Did you tell them?” he questions. He knows Balthazar wouldn’t say anything, he’s far too trustworthy, but he also knows Balthazar hates lying to those he cares about. 

“‘Course not, Pete,” he responds, almost sounding offended that he would even suggest such a thing. 

Peter simply nods in thanks, looking back down at his textbook. He can feel things slowly returning to how things were between them, being able to sit in silence comfortably, talk about almost anything. 

Not that they ever discuss last year, or the first half of this year. They both know that conversation would never end well. 

\---

_August 25_

“Hey Ben, I’m going over to help Paige set up her flat, want to come?”

Balth pauses in the doorway as he talks to Ben, door keys spinning on his fingers. 

“Uh, sure! Why not,” Ben smiles, heading off to his room to grab his things, Balth assumes. 

Paige had invited him over to help, assuming he would need the break. Balth knows she assumed correctly, things have been getting busier and busier lately. 

And as nice as it is spending more time with Peter, he finds it much harder to concentrate on work when he’s around. 

He’s always hyper aware of every movement he makes, every soft breath he lets out. It’s intoxicating. 

It hasn’t helped however that Balthazar had woken up with a familiar constricting feeling in his chest, one he knows he won’t be able to shake for the rest of the day. He had considered cancelling, but he would never do that to Paige.

“Hey, you doing ok?”

Balth looks up at Ben, frowning slightly at his concern. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Balth shrugs, turning his eyes back to the ground. He knows when he tells the counsellor about this at his next session, she won’t be happy with him, but it’s not something he can easily change. His whole life, it’s always been someone else’s happiness before his own. Whether it be helping to raise the twins, or making sure all his friends are happy. It’s part of him. 

“If you say so…”

They walk the rest of the way in silence, Balthazar’s hands deep in his pockets as he attempts to ignore the growing feeling of anxiety swelling in his chest. 

“Balth! Thanks for coming!” 

Paige greets him with a warm hug as soon as she opens the door, and Balthazar manages a small smile. 

Ben quickly dashes in to look at the new apartment, leaving the pair alone. 

“Bad day?” she questions softly, and Balthazar nods in response. “Any reason why?”

“Nah… just… just one of those days,” Balthazar manages to say, leaving his coat on as he walks into the apartment, hiding in the oversized clothing. 

“I love these windows,” Ben says enthusiastically, looking around what appears to be a living room. 

“They are quite nice,” Paige agrees, struggling to make her way through stacks of boxes. “I guess we should start by opening all of these.”

Soon, Paige finds a stanley knife and a few pairs of scissors and the three of them make quick work on opening the boxes. 

Balthazar sits himself to the side, staying out of the conversation as he mindlessly opens boxes. He can feel his chest tightening, his mind whirring and he knows he needs to be alone but he can’t even muster the words to say it.

And that’s how he ends up standing in the middle of the room, looking around frantically for the stanley knife as his breathing derails. 

He doesn’t remember how he gets there, but the next thing he remembers is sitting on the floor in an empty room, Paige beside him as she encourages him to breath. 

“Hey, it’s ok, you’re safe, just breath.”

He tries to force in air through his tight throat, hands gripping his sleeves tightly, eyes burning. 

“I’m sorry,” Balthazar says softly once he’s able to speak. 

“Hey, never apologise for something like this Balth, there’s nothing to apologise for.”

If Ben notices Balth’s red eyes when they reenter the living room, he doesn’t mention it. 

“I’m off, got some uni work to do!” He says enthusiastically, waving at the pair of them as he heads to the door. 

“Thanks for the help, Ben!” 

“I’ll see you back at home, I’m going to stay for a little while,” Balth says nonchalantly. 

“But don’t you have an assignment due?” Ben questions. 

“It’ll be fine,” Balth shrugs. He knows he’s not getting anything done any time soon anyway. 

Ben gives him a look that says he knows somethings up, but isn’t going to mention it. Sending one last half hearted wave, Ben walks out of the apartment. 

“I think I might actually go see Rosa for a bit,” Balth says as he turns to face Paige, his tone apologetic. 

“Want me to walk you over?”

“That’d be nice,” Balth smiles, glad to have someone like Paige around. 

-

When Balth finally gets back to the apartment, he barely gets through the door before Ben bombards him with questions. 

“What do the ‘ _F_ ’s on the calendar mean!?”

Balthazar freezes, hands fiddling with his keys as he makes a show of peeking into the kitchen. 

“Got no idea,” he shrugs, hiding his hands in his sleeves. 

He quickly moves to the kitchen, busying himself with making tea for the three of them. The short time he had spent with Rosa had helped him fall into a strange sense of calm, one not even Ben’s vibrant personality can shake. 

But when he finally sits down, holding tea for the three of them, he has to resist the urge to yell at Rosa, or simply storm off to his room. 

He’s hyperaware of the camera filming him, close enough to capture his every expression, yet Rosa can’t seem to get the hint that he doesn’t want to talk about Peter on camera. 

She resists every topic change, and it’s not until he finally gets Rosa rambling about her travels that he can finally relax. 

He almost loses it when Rosa brings Peter up for a _third_ time, even mentioning his thirteenth birthday party when he first had a crush on Peter. 

Thankfully, Ben rushes off soon after, taking the camera with him. 

“Did you have to keep bringing Peter up in front of the camera?” Balthazar snaps, glaring at his sister. 

He’s usually meek, but he knows the only way to get through to his confident older sister is to be headstrong, as much as he hates the taste of the words coming from his mouth. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rosa scoffs, “I was just asking questions Balth, you never talk to me anymore!” 

“Doesn’t mean you can keep asking questions on camera when I’m clearly trying to change the subject,” Balth sighs, tucking his hands back into his sleeves as he stares are his drink. 

“What’s so bad about Peter that I can’t talk about him on camera?”

“Because I fucking love him Rosa and I hate everything about it, and he hates everything about it, and that’s that. Happy?”

Balthazar doesn’t wait for a response, picking up the empty tea mugs and retreating to the kitchen. 

\---

_August 29_

“How’s the play going?” Balth asks, sitting on his desk, glancing over his shoulder to look at Peter. 

Peter has taken refuge in Balth’s room, spread across his bed as he attempts to revise for one of his classes. There’s only so much of Fred’s nagging and Ben’s suspicious glances he can handle. 

“Not bad,” Peter shrugs, putting his textbook down, “it’s been nice doing something productive for once, you know?”

“I’m happy for you, it sounds like its been good for you,” Balth smiles, and Peter’s glad to see it reach his eyes. 

Peter looks down, chewing at his lip as he considers something. He’s been meaning to ask about Balth’s ‘ _uni meeting_ ’, but hasn’t wanted to push. 

“What’s that thing you’ve put on the calendar? Once a fortnight?” Peter asks, then after seeing Balth’s expression quickly adds, “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Peter can see Balthazar think, mulling over his options. 

“Don’t tell the others, yeah?”

“‘Course, man.” Balth has kept his secret, it’s only fair he should do the same. 

“I’ve been going to the counsellor once a fortnight,” he shrugs, “she’s telling me to see a proper therapist but I can’t exactly afford it, but… yeah.”

Peter looks at Balth, not exactly shocked, but his chest still aches at the thought of him being in pain. Looking at the way he looks at his desk, like he’s ashamed. He never wants Balthazar to feel that way around him. 

“Shit Balth, you know you can tell me if you’re not ok, right?” Peter doesn’t need to say it, but he knows he hasn’t exactly shown that in previous months. He still remembers knowing Balthazar was upset, and instead of knocking on his door, sitting on the sofa instead. 

“Yeah, I know,” he shrugs, still not looking him quite in the eye. 

“What are you seeing her for?” Peter doesn’t want to push him, but his urge to help him overweighs it. 

“Anxiety, mainly.”

Peter shifts on the bed, moving to rest his hand on Balthazar’s forearm. 

“If you ever need help, a distraction, or if it just gets too much, you tell me, yeah?”

Balthazar finally looks up, making eye contact for the first time. A soft smile plays at his lips, and he almost looks relieved. 

“That sounds great.”


	4. september

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing anymore but im gonna role with it

_September 5_

Peter knows he should theoretically be fine. He’s put Faustus on the calendar, even if Ben and Freddie still don’t know what it means — judging by their endless videos at least. And he knows Balthazar will cover for him. Well he hopes he will. 

It still doesn’t stop him electing to climb through the window in hopes of evading their interrogation. 

What he doesn’t expect is them already there waiting for him, instantly pointing fingers as he looks frantically between them. 

He doesn’t even process what he’s saying before he outright admits that he’s in a play. 

“Is it a musical?” Freddie asks, and Peter has to pause, furrowing his brow as he looks at her in confusion. 

“…What? No, why would it be a musical?” 

Eventually, they back off and Peter makes his way to the bathroom to wash the fake blood off.

Pushing open the door, he pauses as he sees Balthazar at the sink, oversized shirt hanging from his shoulders and sleep pants sitting loosely around his waist. His heart clenches at the sight. 

God he’s perfect.

“What’s with the blood?” Balthazar asks, looking at Peter in the mirror, eyes clearly exhausted. 

Peter can’t help but smile. 

“Faustus,” he shrugs, and Balthazar nods, putting his toothbrush back in the holder. 

“I’ll leave you to it?”

“Yeah, see you in the morning Balth.”

“Sleep well.” Balth grins at him sleepily as he leaves the bathroom, rubbing his eye gently. 

Peter turns back to look at himself in the mirror. With the rules in place, would something between him and Balth even work? Balth doesn’t deserve a secret relationship, not after everything he’s been put through. And that’s assuming he even still sees Peter that way. 

How Balthazar survived so long with a crush on him and still being best friends, Peter will never know. 

_September 8_

Peter can feel his frustration growing by the second. How hard is it for Freddie to just accept that he’s in a play, and that he’s not lying just so he can go around kissing people. 

Even after inviting Jaquie over, Freddie just can’t give him a break. 

“You know what I think? I think there isn’t even a play, you guys probably just sit around and snog each other,” Freddie snaps, waving her hands around as Peter closes his eyes in frustration and annoyance. 

_This_ is why he only told Balthazar about the play. 

“Yeah ok, we’re going to go run lines. _Bye_!”

“You’re not getting away this easily, Donaldson.”

Peter relaxes as he finally closes his bedroom door, leaning against the wood and closing his eyes. 

“God, she’s even worse in person than in the videos,” Jaquie scoffs, sitting on Peter’s desk chair. 

“This flat is a nightmare,” Peter grumbles, falling face first onto his cushions, muffling his words. 

Jaquie sits in silence for a few moments, swinging the chair back and forth. 

“Is it really worth staying then? I mean, all it seems to do is bring you pain.”

“I don’t think I can physically stay away from Balthazar that long,” Peter admits, rolling onto his back. He would never confess about the hours he’s spent constantly checking the front door, waiting for Balth to get home from class or a friend’s place. 

“You really are in deep, huh.”

Peter doesn’t dignify her with a response, simply glaring in her direction before opening his copy of _Doctor Faustus_.

_September 9_

Walking through the streets the next day, Peter can’t help but wallow. 

After leaving the lecture on tragedies, all Peter can think about is how his life — conveniently — feels like a tragedy. 

He had everything last year, he was captain of the football team, student leader, everyone liked him, he had an amazing group of friends. But most importantly, he had Balth by his side. 

And now what does he have? Shitty grades and one close friend. And he still doesn’t have what he used to with Balth, and he’s scared he never will. Let alone what he wants to have with Balth. 

He knows he should look on the bright side, he has the lead in a play, he spends way more time with Balth than he used to, and his grades are slowly climbing. 

But then, sitting outside the library, his heart drops as Ben tells him about Kit. 

“Who’s Kit again?”

“Balth’s new boyfriend.” Peter hates the smile Ben has on his face, the smug grin. Like he knows just how much it hurts him. 

All he manages to say in response is “Right,” and he strictly avoids eye contact with Ben afterwards. The thought of Balth being with someone else, being happy with someone else, makes him feel sick. 

Does Kit know about Balth’s counselling? Will he take care of Balth? Will he make sure Balth stays happy?

He’s pulled out of his thoughts about Balthazar when he spots someone out of the corner of his eye, someone he hasn’t seen in years. 

“That’s Rosa Jones!” 

Eventually, they persuade Ben to sit down so they can stop and talk. He might not be as close to Rosa as the other members of Balthazar’s family, but it’s still nice to see her. A reminder of simpler times. 

“It’s lovely having Balth here.” 

“Yeah, he likes having you here too,” Peter nods, remembering one of their conversations while studying. 

“Can’t say the same about you.” Peter panics for a split second, terrified for what could come next. “He didn’t mention you once to me while I was away.” At least he didn’t say anything bad. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So funny, my little brother living with mullet boy, who he didn’t mention _at all_.”

Now she’s just rubbing it in. 

Peter isn’t sure if he should be thankful that Balthazar hasn’t said anything bad about him or upset that he hasn’t been mentioned at all. He thought they were on the right track, but maybe he’s wrong. 

Maybe Balth has really moved on this time. 

\---

_September 10_

“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk with you?” 

Balthazar pauses from gathering his things to face Peter. He’s sitting on his bed, phone in hand as he watches Balthazar collect his things, putting them into his coat pockets. 

“You’ll just be waiting around for forty-five minutes, don’t worry about it,” Balth shrugs. He’s getting ready for his next session with the uni counsellor, and he’s glad to have someone to tell where he’s going. 

“If that’s the only reason you have for me not coming, then you can’t stop me,” Peter grins as he jumps off the bed, and Balthazar can’t help but smile. 

“If you’re that intent on coming, you better put shoes on quick ‘cause I’m already running late.”

Balth laughs at the way Peter scrambles out the room, his heart warming at the sight. 

He can’t deny that it feels good telling Peter his secrets again, having that sense of trust between them. 

“Let’s go!” Peter cries, opening the door to let Balthazar out. He quickly yells into the flat to tell the others where they’re going — avoiding the finer details thankfully — before locking the door behind them. 

“Saw that you ran into Rosa,” Balth says as they make their way down the stairs, shooting a glance over at Peter. He had watched the video this morning. 

“Uh, yeah,” Peter nods hurriedly before frowning, “she seemed very insistent that you haven’t mentioned me to her.”

Balth blushes slightly, averting his gaze. “She’s just not the person I really talk to about those things.” He knows he doesn’t have to clarify for Peter to know what he means. 

“…Oh, yeah. Makes sense.”

“Kit’s not my boyfriend either, by the way.” Balth clarifies, chancing a quick glance in Peter’s direction. 

“Oh, uh, cool,” Peter nods uncertainly, “do you want him to be or-”

“No!” Balth says a little too quickly, flushing slightly at his outburst. “Nah, I don’t see him that way,” he adds a little more meekly. 

“Got it,” Peter nods. 

They fall into silence, shoulders brushing lightly as they walk down the street. 

A part of Balthazar wants to grab his hand, stop him in the middle of the street and bear his heart to him, get everything out in the open.

But their friendship is still far too fragile to risk something like that, so instead he settles for somber silence. 

\---

Peter jumps up as soon as he sees Balthazar exit the building, trying to read his expression before he says anything. 

“Hey, you ok?” he asks softly, seeing that his eyes look slightly red, and his hands are hidden in his sweater sleeves. He’s curled in on himself, making him appear even smaller than usual. 

Balth simply shrugs, quietly saying. “I’ll be fine.”

Peter figures that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and opens his arms instead. Balth doesn’t even hesitate before walking up to him, burrowing his face into Peter’s chest, arms wrapped around his waist. 

Peter holds him close, arms wrapped around his back as he tries to offer any form of comfort he can give. 

With Balth so close to him, it’s hard not to think about how perfectly he fits in his arms. 

_September 11_

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Balthazar says out of the blue, barely looking up from his book as he sits on the couch. Peter is sprawled across the other one, and he’s pretty sure Freddie and Ben are both in their rooms. 

“Don’t worry about it, I meant what I said about wanting to help, Balth.”

“I just don’t want you to worry.”

“I’m always going to worry, Balth,” Peter says, hoping Balth doesn’t pick up on how utterly domestic it sounds. 

“It was nothing, we just ended up on a sensitive subject,” Balth shrugs, eyes dropping back to his book. 

Peter knows not to pressure anything out of him, and they fall back into comfortable silence as Peter looks back at his phone. 

_September 12_

Sitting on the couch after filming Peter’s punishment, he realises that Freddie seems to have finally backed off, and finally believed he’s actually in the play. 

He’s distracted from that line of thought however, when Balth stares at him and starts to sing softly. 

He laughs, his whole body feeling lighter at the sound of it, and the humorous nature of the song. 

Even once he and Freddie join in, all he hears is Balth’s voice, the soft singing that never fails to make his chest tighten, or put a smile on his face. 

It’s as he’s staring at Balth, chin resting on his hand, that he realises there’s no one who makes him feel like Balthazar, never has been and he’s almost certain there never will be again. 

\---

_September 15_

“You are such a dork,” Balthazar laughs, his cheeks aching from smiling so long as he watches Peter roll on his bedroom floor. 

Peter — being Peter — had decided to prove how great he is at soccer by jumping off the bed. Which, obviously, had ended with him on the floor in pain. 

“Why are you laughing at my misfortune,” Peter groans, clutching his shin as Balth walks up to him. 

“Because your suffering brings me immense joy,” Balth teases, smiling down at him. Balth barely has time to react before he’s on the floor too, Peter having pulled his legs from underneath him. “Yeah, I deserved that.”

They stay on the floor for a while, laughing and sending jokes back and forth, before Peter’s face becomes more somber. 

“Everything ok, Pete?”

Balthazar sits in silence for a moment, giving him the time he needs to form a response. 

“How long do you think we’re keeping these rules for? Surely we’re not going to spend out entire uni lives single.”

Balth frowns, unsure of what to say. On one hand, of course he wants the rules to go so he can be with Peter, but on the other hand he knows Peter’s not thinking the same thing. Who knows if he has someone else in mind, like Jaquie or Costa. But never Balthazar. 

“I mean, who knows,” Balthazar shrugs, “they’re working at the moment I guess.”

Peter rolls over, looking Balthazar in the eyes as he speaks. 

“At the moment, sure, but what happens when someone in the flat falls in love?”

Balth has to pause for a moment, words caught in his throat as he realises how close they are, and how intensely Peter is looking at him. 

“Then I guess it’ll be dealt with when we get there.”

Peter doesn’t respond, and for a few seconds they simply lie there, faces inches apart. Balthazar can feel Peter’s breath brushes against lips, and it’s almost more than he can handle. 

“Guys! Dinner’s ready!”

Balth flinches up at the sound of Ben knocking at the door, laughing slightly in an attempt to hide his shaking breath. 

“Uh, let’s go eat,” Peter says nervously, running out of the room with barely a backwards glance. 

\---

_September 18_

It’s a Friday night, and everyone is crammed into their small apartment playing _True New Zealand_ , as Ben called it. 

Peter figures they’re about halfway through the game at this point, and he finds himself sitting on top of the drawers beside Balthazar. 

“You having fun?”

“Yeah,” Balth nods, a smile on his face, brushing hair from his eyes. 

“Not too crowded or anything…” Peter trails off, hoping Balth picks up on what he’s trying to say. 

“Nah, I’m doing ok actually.”

Peter elbows him happily, glad Balth is having fun. 

Soon, Ben starts his quote. 

“We’ll put it away! No one knows it’s here, do they…”

Peter starts to finish the quote, but is cut short as Balthazar speaks beside him. 

Peter feels like he’s going to melt as Balth says, “do they Gandalf?” in the prettiest voice he thinks he’s ever heard. 

He’s barely keeping it together at is it, but then Balth looks him in the eyes as he starts the next quote. 

“I would rather share a lifetime with you…”

“Than face all the edges of this world alone.” 

Peter avoids eye contact, knowing the camera is trained on him. 

He doesn’t miss Jaquie’s knowing glance however, and he sends a glare in return, hoping she gets the message. 

-

Later that evening, when everyone’s finally gone, Peter hears a soft knock on his door. 

Since he knows Freddie has already gone to sleep, he opts for opening it himself instead of yelling at whoever’s knocking to come in. 

As he opens the door, he frowns as he sees Balthazar, face slightly paled and hands trembling just enough to be noticeable. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks softly, pushing the door shut behind them as he leads Balthazar to sit on the bed. 

“Hero went on a date with Damien and she just told me about it and it just brought everything back and I can’t, just can’t I just don’t know-“

“Hey, it’s ok, look at me Balth,” Peter says in an attempt to stop his rambling, grabbing both his hands. He runs his thumbs gently across his skin, watching as Balthazar closes his eyes. Peter feels like Balth’s trying to breathe in time with him, so he intentionally breathes deeper. 

“Everything’s ok, Damien isn’t here, and you’re not with Damien,” Peter whispers softly, standing up from where he’s kneeling in front of Balthazar to sit beside him on the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Balthazar whispers softly, his voice still shaking. 

“Don’t apologise,” Peter says, wrapping an arm across his shoulders, “never apologise.”

Balthazar nods, closing his eyes again and resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. 

Peter forces himself not to think about the intimacy of the situation, focusing on helping Balthazar and nothing else. 

It’s a lot harder than he would like to admit. 

“Do you want to sleep here tonight?” Peter asks, not wanting to leave Balth alone on a night like this. 

Balthazar nods, scrubbing at his eyes. “My bed’s bigger.”

“I’ll be there in a sec, I promise,” Peter whispers, encouraging Balthazar to stand. 

Peter closes his eyes as Balthazar walks out, standing in the middle of his room. 

He doesn’t think anything can hurt more than seeing Balthazar in pain. 

\---

_September 19_

Waking up next to Peter is everything Balth expected it to be, and more. There’s the crushing weight in his chest caused by the knowledge it’ll only ever be as friends, but then there’s the soft, giddy feeling of watching Peter closely as he sleeps. His eyelashes fluttering against his cheek, mouth parted slightly as he breathes deeply. 

Balthazar resists the urge to brush his hair from his eyes, or run his fingers through it. Sleeping beside Peter had been the best sleep he’s had in who knows how long, but Balth knows he won’t be able to handle doing it again. 

“Mornin’,” Peter mumbles, his eyes parted slightly. 

Balth blushes, looking away as he realises he’s been caught staring. “Morning.”

“You feeling better?” Peter’s voice is still thick with sleep, making it hoarse and sluggish. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Balthazar smiles, sitting up slowly. “Really Peter, thanks for this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Peter brushes off, running a hand through his hair. “You should tell Hero about Damian.” 

“Yeah,” Balthazar nods, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. “I will.”

“God I hate him,” Peter murmurs, swinging his legs off the bed to face the wall.

Balthazar watches the back of his head, wondering what Peter is thinking. Does he regret it? If Balthazar had been thinking straight, he wouldn’t have accepted Peter’s offer, no matter how comforting his presence is. Would things be awkward now?

“I should probably go, before Freddie thinks we broke a rule,” Peter says quickly, turning around to look at Balth. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Balth nods quickly, running a hand across his face as he climbs out from under the covers. 

“See you at breakfast?”

“See you then.”

\---

_September 21_

Peter pauses, pushing away his textbook as a notification pops up on his phone — Ben has posted a new Balth in a Bath video.

Figuring it’s time for a break anyway, Peter pulls out his headphones and plugs them in. 

He smiles, seeing the pair of them in a simpler time, making promises of filling his channel with content of Balthazar. 

It seems like so long ago. But now, what they had then no longer feels out of reach.

What they were in the past might be long gone, but maybe what they have in the future will be just as good. Maybe even better. 

\---

_September 22_

“Did you see that Meg is planning on driving down to visit?” Balth asks, looking across at Peter. They’re studying together at the dining table, books and papers covering the small surface. 

“Yeah! It’ll be nice having them visit,” Peter smiles, looking up from his textbook. 

“I need to film stuff for Wednesday’s video! Someone do something interesting!” Ben declares, storming out of his room, camera in hand. 

Balth and Peter share a knowing glance, and make space for Ben at the table. Balth and Peter have been making regular times to study together, and Balth is enjoying spending time with him. When Ben isn’t around at least. 

It feels like he’s still trying to force them together, and Balth is terrified it’ll ruin what they have.

He’s come to terms with simply staying friends with Peter. At this point, if it happens? Great. If it doesn’t? Balth already survived five years of pining after his best friend, he can get through a little more. 

Balthazar inwardly sighs in frustration when Ben says he no longer has the book he checked out. Balth remembers asking to use it afterwards, but it seems he’s forgotten. 

“I’ll get it on my way to work on something,” he shrugs, looking back at his paper to hide his irritation.

“Oh! What time do you finish?” Peter asks, and Balth can feel his eyes on him. 

“Um, eleven?” 

“Oh! I finish rehearsal at ten, do you wanna walk home? Together?”

Balth feels his heart skip a beat at his hopeful tone, but as much as he’d enjoy walking home with Peter, he doesn’t want to be a hindrance. 

“I mean, you don’t have to wait around for me though, you could be home by then-“

“It’s no problem,” Peter smiles at him softly, holding eye contact as Balth looks around nervously. 

“That is if he has rehearsals…” 

Balth had almost forgotten about Ben until he spoke. He wishes that Ben would just get over himself and believe Peter is in the play, I mean there’s videos of him in rehearsals online, does he really need anymore proof?

“Ben…”

“I know, I’m just not sure I can believe you’re really in a play.”

Balth can feel Peter’s frustration, but chooses to stay out of this argument, he doesn’t want to make anything worse. 

“We’ve been over this.”

Eventually, the argument goes on too long. Balth just wants to study, and it’s incredibly hard with the pair of them arguing over the small table.

“Alright guys, leave it. Both of you.” He then turns to face Peter. “Pete, that sounds great.” 

Balthazar does his best not to storm off as Ben brings the argument back, forcing his eyes to stay on his papers. 

Ben is great and all, but sometimes — well a lot of the time — he can really get on his nerves. 

He does his best to ignore the pair as they run lines for Peter, but he can’t ignore the way Peter looks at him pleadingly. 

“Balthy please, save me!” 

He can’t stop himself from grinning as he runs lines with Peter. His enthusiasm is contagious, the way he delivers his lines with such passion. Balthazar also doesn’t miss the way he smiles at him, the way he seems so much more comfortable delivering the lines with him than with Ben. 

“What does this even mean?” Balth laughs, struggling to read the Latin. 

They’re both giggling by the time Balthazar clasps Peter’s arm, both deep into the role. He feels his heart flutter when Peter places his own hand atop of Balth’s, and just for a while he basks in the feeling of being close to him. 

\---

“Do you think Freds will ever believe I’m in a play,” Peter sighs, resting his chin on the counter as he watches Balth put books away. 

His rehearsal finished half an hour ago, and now he’s keeping Balthazar company while he waits for his shift to finish. 

“Honestly? Who knows,” Balth shrugs, mindlessly stacking books, “she’s just a control freak, she can’t stand not knowing things.”

“You can say that again,” Peter murmurs, resting his head in his hands. “I hate living under constant scrutiny, you’re the only one I feel like I can let my guard down around, you know?”

Balth sends him a small smile. “Same here, man.” He pauses for a moment. “I mean sure, the rules have helped slightly. It’s nice spending time with everyone, and having forced break from study, but it’s also so stressful having to remember to obey them all the time.”

Peter frowns, looking at Balthazar. He’s sure he’s the only person in the flat that knows about his counselling, but it still makes him angry that these rules are causing him even more stress. 

“You know, we could probably find somewhere else to live if it get’s too much,” he suggests, trying to make it appear offhanded. He’s sure living alone with Balthazar would be an awful idea, but his heart still races at the thought of it. 

“I don’t want to abandon them though, you know? They’re our friends,” Balth shrugs.

“Jones! You’re shift isn’t over yet, get back to work!”

“Sorry,” Balthazar says softly, “see you in twenty?”

“I’ll be waiting.” 

Peter smiles as he watches Balthazar leave. He’s glad he offers Balth the same support he does to him, glad that things are finally starting to level out between them. 

It still doesn’t stop him wanting more though, doesn’t stop him wishing these stupid rules could go away, wishing he could be with him, allow himself to fall in love with him. 

Soon, he tells himself, if the rules don’t go away soon, he’ll figure something out. Even if Balthazar doesn’t feel the same way, he has to at least try. 

So that’s why, instead of simply sitting and waiting for Balthazar to return, he finds a scrap piece of paper and starts writing. 

He may not be a musician, but maybe he can write something, anything to show him how much he cares. 

\---

_September 24_

“Sorry I’m late,” Balthazar says, breathless as he closes the door behind him. 

His session had gone on later than anticipated, making him late for their flat meeting. 

“Where were you?” Freddie snaps, clearly on edge. She must know the punishment is for her, but she doesn’t appear to know why. 

“At uni-“

“Why were you there if you don’t have any classes?” Freddie asks urgently. 

Balthazar takes half a step back, slightly overwhelmed at the interrogation. 

“He was helping Paige with something, music I think,” Peter quickly says, and Balthazar breathes out softly in relief. 

“Thank you,” Balthazar says softly as he walks past, smiling as Peter nods slightly. 

He quickly hangs up his coat, before joining the others on the couch to film the video.

It’s when Ben says that Fred bought two packets of Sushi that the reason for Fred’s mood becomes clear. 

Balth had been texting Kit the other day, and had said something along the lines of going on a date with someone to a sushi restaurant. 

_Fred_ , of all people is breaking the rules she put in place in the first place?

Balth chooses to stay quiet. He knows if he says anything, it would end in a fight, and he doesn’t want to be the cause of arguments. 

Plus, if Freddie keeps seeing Kit, maybe eventually she’ll stop the rules. For now, Balth is content with waiting. He’s sure it’ll work out in the end. 

Doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy being able to spray Fred with the water gun. 

He finds himself laughing, feeling at ease as they all sing “so sad”, watching as Freddie flails around. 

“Go!” Pete laughs, pushing Balth gently as Freddie begins chasing after them. 

“Spare me!” Balth laughs, joking around as Freddie approaches, arms wide.

“I’m going to get you Stanley!”

“Not on my watch!” Peter cries, rugby tackling Fred to the ground before she can reach Balth. 

Balth laughs at the sight of them, covered in grass as they wrestle, Fred trying to reach Balthazar while Peter tries to stop her. 

“Ok! Ok, I forfeit!” Fred laughs, slowly standing, looking down at herself. 

“You are both covered in grass,” Balth laughs, brushing the dirt and grass from Peter’s hair. 

His shirt is wet from tackling Fred, and there’s grass in his hair, face and along his arms. 

“It’s worth it to keep you safe,” Peter says teasingly, “oh Mighty Balthazar.”

“You might reconsider later when you’re covered in grass rash,” Balth smiles, remembering that he’s allergic. He carefully brushes some of the grass from his face, forgetting for a moment that Freddie is just a few metres away. 

“Is there something going on here I should know about?” Freddie speaks up, and the pair flinch apart. 

“Wh- What? No, what are you on about?” Peter says quickly, his eyes nervous as he steps away from Balthazar. 

Balthazar prays that it’s fear of being caught breaking rules, and not fear of being with Balthazar that’s causing the nervous glint in his eyes. 

“Sorry! The camera died, what did I miss?”

\---

_September 28_

“So…”

“So..?”

“So how are things with Balthazar?”

Peter sighs, closing his eyes for split second before turning to face Jaquie. 

“Nothing’s changed. We’re friends, and I don’t think anything is /ever/ going to change,” he admits, sitting down on the bench. They’re rehearsing for Faustus, but they’re currently on break. 

“And you’re just going to accept it?”

“Of course not,” Peter says, upset she would assume he’d let Balth go. He’s not ready to give up yet. 

“So what are you going to do then?” she asks, looking at him as she sips her water bottle. 

“I’m writing a sonnet?” he says hesitantly, before adding, “but it’s not like anything can happen because of these stupid flat rules anyway.”

“Sometimes I wish I could kill Freddie,” Jaquie mumbles, and Peter snorts. 

“You and me both.”

\---

“I never properly apologised for talking about Peter on camera,” Rosa says, looking across at Balthazar. 

He’s sitting on the couch at her apartment, taking a break from the mayhem of the flat. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Balth shrugs, not looking her in the eye. He crosses his legs, leaning against the arm of the sofa. 

“Don’t just say that because you’re avoiding conflict, Balth,” Rosa sighs, sipping her beer, “it was shitty of me.”

“It’s fine, I need to get over it anyway.” Balth purposely avoids using the word ‘him’ in attempt to make it sound less real, easier even. But if he hasn’t gotten over Peter by now, who says he ever will?

“C’mon Balth, don’t say that,” Rosa insists, “you can’t give up without at least trying. What’s the worst that could happen?” She turns her body, facing Balthazar as she tries to make eye contact. 

“Uh, he doesn’t feel the same, it ruins our friendship and I never see him again?” Balth retorts, like it’s the most obvious thing on Earth.

“Peter’s a good kid, it might be awkward for a few days but then I’m sure it’ll go back to normal,” Rosa insists. 

“We aren’t kids anymore, Rosa,” Balth reminds him, smiling at his older sister, lifting his eyes from the ground. 

“You’ll always be a kid to me, _Stanley_.”

“What, even when I start going grey?”

“I think you’ll die of heartbreak before you get that old at this rate, Balth,” Rosa teases.

“Way to lighten the mood,” he scoffs, smiling nonetheless. 

“I’d say it worked.”

Balth sits in silence for a few moments, considering his next words. 

“Even if I wanted to do something, we have the rules. I’d rather not get punished again.”

“You’re stupid friends with their stupid rules,” Rosa mutters, shaking her head as she takes another sip of beer. 

\---

_September 30_

“Hey, there’s a new Balth in a Bath video up,” Balthazar laughs, turning his laptop screen around. 

Peter is sitting with him at the dining table, both of them attempting to do work. 

“Wanna watch it?” Peter asks, smiling. He remembers how carefree they had felt then, when they were still as close as they were in high school. 

“Definitely,” Balth nods, moving to the seat next to Peter so they can both watch. 

“I love the expressions you make when you’re playing,” Peter teases, watching video Balthazar closely. It’s one of Peter’s favourite things, looking at Balth when he plays. The small frowns when he’s figuring out a new chord, the calm expression when he plays something he knows back to front, the small smile when he’s messing around. 

“You’re just jealous because you look like a scared rabbit when you play anything,” Balth quips back, elbowing him gently. 

“I do not!”

“Do so,” he laughs. 

“It’s not my fault I wasn’t blessed with musical talent like you,” Peter frowns, pouting at Balth. 

“I wasn’t blessed with anything, Pete. You know, there’s this funny thing called practice? You might’ve heard of it.”

“Stop it,” Peter laughs, bumping his shoulder against Balthazar’s. As they turn their attention back to the video, neither of them move away. It’s a familiar feeling, Pete decides, to how he felt in the bath. Flush against his friend, feeling close and safe with him, but also devastatingly in love with him. 

Life’s a vicious cycle. 

Yet as the video ends, Peter swears he can hear Balth mutter “tennis doesn’t know jack” in time with video Balth.

Casting a hopeful glance towards him, Peter begins to decide whether or not to respond when Ben comes rushing through the front door. 

“I have shopping!”

“I’ll help unpack.”

And with that, Peter is left sitting alone at the table. 

Tennis doesn’t know jack. 


	5. october

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is barely edited so if i forget to change // to italics, don't mind that. a lot happens in this chapter and im not 100% sure it makes sense like emotionally but it's here none the less

_October 2_

Balthazar smiles as he sees Peter waiting outside, leaning against a pole and looking at his phone. Balth has just finished his shift, and as usual they had planned to walk home together. 

“How was rehearsal?” 

“Balthazar!” He can’t help but smile at the way Peter says his name, full of excitement. “It was good, except I kept messing up one of my lines, I think Costa might kill me before this thing is over.”

“He’ll have to get through me first,” Balth teases, laughing as he imagines the pair of them fighting. Costa easily towers over Balthazar, he could probably just step on him if he tried hard enough. 

“What, with all this muscle you have,” Peter smiles, grabbing at Balth’s upper arm. His hand almost wraps the entire way round his arm, yet the grip doesn’t feel threatening in the slightest. 

“Hey, I’m stronger than I look.” Balth finds himself leaning towards Peter as he lets go of his arm. “Don’t look so disbelieving!” 

“If you really think you’re stronger than you look, we’ll have to find a way to prove it,” Peter says, his tone light yet final.

“Oh I can think of some ways,” Balth responds, flushing lightly as he realises how flirty his tone was. 

“Care to elaborate,” Peter laughs, clearly seeing his blush, elbowing Balth gently, “will we need to bend some rules for this show of strength?”

“Shut up,” Balth pouts, looking up at Peter. 

“You know I can’t deny those eyes,” Peter responds, looking down at him with a small smile. 

Balth feels his heart rate quicken at the prolonged eye contact, and it takes every ounce of his self control not to reach for his hand, or step forward, or do anything to be closer to him. 

The moment ends an eternity too soon when someone shoves past them on the street, and Peter’s arm is all that stops Balthazar from hitting the pavement face first. 

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” Peter calls after them, not letting go of Balthazar’s waist even as he is standing up straight. 

“Keep that gay shit off the sidewalk, fag!” 

“Peter no, it’s not worth-“

Balthazar doesn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence before Peter’s taken two long strides, closing the gap between them and punched the man square in the face. 

\---

“He really wasn’t worth it, Pete,” Balthazar sighs.

He’s sitting beside Peter on the sofa, holding his bruised and bloodied knuckle in his lap as he carefully cleans the skin. 

“Yes it was. He deserved it,” Peter mutters, too stubborn to look Balthazar in the eye. His blood is still boiling from the encounter. He’s almost certain he shoved Balthazar intentionally, and he hates that it was his fault it happened in the first place. 

If he wasn’t there, that man wouldn’t have said anything, wouldn’t have done anything. Wouldn’t have even _known_ anything.

“It’s just how the world is, it sucks, but you have to deal with it.” Peter hates how unbothered Balth is, how used to this treatment he is. 

Peter hisses in pain as Balthazar applies antiseptic before continuing. “How did you get through high school being so open about this, how do you deal with all this?” Peter waves his free hand before it lands on his head, running through his hair. Peter knows he doesn’t regret coming out, but he certainly hates the world for making it so difficult. 

“High school was easy because I had you as a friend,” Balth states simply, looking up at Peter for a split second before back down at his hand. 

Peter wants to say something, anything to express that he was glad he had offered that support, but his words catch in his throat. 

“That guy’s a dumbass anyway, no one likes him.”

“Wait, you know him?” Peter asks, feeling his rage return. How long had he been saying things to Balth, had he been hurting him? If he was one of the reasons Balth started going to the counsellor, Peter knew nothing would stop him from finishing what he started. 

“Just some idiot from one of my classes,” Balthazar shrugs, finishing up on Peter’s hand before moving to clean up the used cotton balls. 

Peter’s suddenly very, _very_ glad he was there. Who knows what could’ve happened if Peter wasn’t there to stop the fall?

“You mean he’s done this before and you never did anything?” Peter knows it’s a stupid question, Balthazar avoids conflict like Costa avoids the ordinary. He sits up straighter, pain in his hand forgotten. 

“Only passing remarks,” Balthazar starts, but seems to change what he was going to say based off Peter’s reaction. “Pete, it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Peter doesn’t believe him.

\---

_October 3_

Balthazar sits on the couch, guitar resting beside him as Ben talks to the camera. 

He can’t help but laugh as Fred tries to cover up why she knows about Kit. Honestly, her panicking about it is more suspicious than if she had just said she knows he isn’t coming. 

He still feels bad for her however, and quickly offers to send him a text. 

He jumps up off the couch as he hears a knock on the door, answering it to see Jaquie. 

“Pete! Jaquie’s here,” Balth calls as he lets her in. 

She smiles at him quickly before walking towards Peter, leaving Balthazar to close the door. 

As they all sit down, Balthazar can barely think about how close he’s sitting to Peter because all he can see is how he’s looking at Jaquie. Looking at her like she’s everything. 

As Ben enforces the seating plan, she refuses to move from Peter’s side, and Balthazar feels more than dejected and he hates himself for it. 

Peter and him were never a thing, and they never would be, and he should be happy that Peter’s happy. But he can’t deny how much it hurts seeing him happy with someone else. 

He’s glad however, that even as Jaquie sits between his legs, Peter still talks to him. Talks to him in that soft voice that he loves, no less. 

Yet it doesn’t last long, and Balthazar clearly sees how close they are, how they tease each other in a way the pair of them never did, how they so blatantly stare at each other with affection in their eyes. 

He can’t bring himself to stay for the entire movie, and excuses himself on account of being tired halfway through. 

He hides in his room for the rest of the night. 

\---

When Balthazar leaves the movie early, he desperately wants to get up and follow him. 

He doesn’t know if he’s genuinely tired, or if it’s something worse, and he can’t help the worry that swells. 

But with Freddie eyeing him, he’s not sure if he can even ask Balthazar how he’s doing without someone overhearing, someone checking if they are breaking any rules. 

So he waits, and once everyone except Jaquie has left, he goes to knock on the door. 

“Hey, isn’t he sleeping?” Jaquie asks softly from her spot on the couch. 

“I just want to check on him,” Peter explains, pointing at the door with a half smile. 

“I think he can manage sleeping without your help,” Jaquie scoffs knowingly before looking back at her phone. 

Peter rolls his eyes, and knocks gently anyway. 

He’s not sure if he’s surprised or not when Balthazar opens the door, his desk lamp still on and not even in his pjs. 

“Can I come in?” Peter asks, and Balth nods, stepping aside before closing the door. 

“Has everyone gone home?” Balth asks, falling back onto his desk chair, bringing a knee to his chest. 

“Everyone except Jaquie, but she’ll be leaving in a minute,” Peter says after glancing at his watch. “Just wanted to check in on you.” He sits down on the edge of the bed, and looks at Balthazar carefully. 

He doesn’t appear stressed, and really does look tired, but he knows Balth is good at hiding his emotions. 

“I’m good, just tired,” he shrugs, avoiding eye contact as he turns back to his book. 

“Why don’t you sleep then?” Peter laughs softly, walking over to his desk to see what he’s working on. 

“Who needs sleep anyway?” Balthazar shrugs, stifling a yawn with his sweater sleeve. 

“ _You_ need sleep,” Peter sighs, closing Balthazar’s notebook and swinging his chair away from his desk so it’s facing him. “If I leave will you promise to get some sleep?”

“Where’re you going?” Balthazar frowns, suddenly appearing very confused and upset.

“To my room? If that’s ok,” Peter smiles teasingly, his heart warming as Balthazar smiles in return. 

“Yeah, you can go. I’ll sleep, I promise.”

“Good,” Peter smiles, grabbing Balthazar’s outstretched hand to help him stand before heading towards the door. 

“Night!”

“Night.”

Peter pauses in the doorway, a thought coming to mind. He turns around, hand resting on the doorframe “Uh, Jaquie and I aren’t a thing, by the way.”

“Oh, cool,” Balthazar responds, and Peter picks up confusion in his voice. Either he’s a really good actor, or Peter being close to Jaquie hadn’t bothered him at all.

“Cool,” Peter repeats, nodding before closing the door. 

“You’re in so deep it’s causing me physical pain,” Jaquie deadpans from the couch. 

\---

_October 4_

“Balthazar, it is so obvious he cares about you!” 

Balthazar sighs, lying back on his bed. He has just finished telling Hero about the last few days. 

After yesterday, he needed someone to talk to about Jaquie and Peter, and after a whole night of tossing and turning, he decided upon Hero. 

She always seems so wise, and always knows exactly what to say to bring back hope. 

“It’s not like I can even do anything because of these flat rules,” Balthazar shrugs, suddenly very thankful of the rules. Anything to give himself another excuse to simply pine forever. 

“You have to at least try Balth, if it doesn’t go well then the rules will help you get your friendship back. And if it does then surely Ben will support you, and then you have majority! You can just get rid of the rule!” Balthazar smiles at how excited Hero sounds. 

“What do you think I should do?” Balthazar asks, rolling over onto his stomach as he reaches for his ukulele. 

“Something obvious, you know Peter. It needs to be something he can’t misinterpret,” Hero says, her tone slow as she clearly thinks through the options. 

“I could just talk to him I guess,” Balthazar shrugs, putting his phone on speaker as he strums gently. 

“I think that sounds wonderful,” Hero says lightly and Balth can’t help but smile. 

“I’ll keep you posted.”

-

Later that day, Balthazar has steeled himself and decided to talk to Peter once they have finished filming the flat challenge. 

He relishes in the feeling of being pressed against Peter as they all sit on the couch, a part of him thinking that this could be the last time they sit like this if it all goes wrong. So he makes the most of it, leaning into him as Peter drapes his arm over the couch behind Balth. 

The challenge drags on for almost 50 minutes, which really doesn’t help the feeling of dread swelling in Balthazar’s stomach as plans what he wants to say. The words play over and over in his mind, never seeming right, never sounding good enough. 

Peter is the confident one between them, the one to be bold. Balthazar just feels useless, sitting here and having no clue what he’s doing. 

He considers backing out more times than he can count, and as the game progresses he begins to doubt if he’ll even talk to Peter at all. 

Yet when they finally decide to draw another challenge, Balthazar’s heart skips a beat and his throat seems to constrict. 

_Chicken_.

And it’s Balthazar and Peter’s turn to be partnered. 

Can he really go through that and then still talk to him afterwards? But if he doesn’t do it today, he knows he never will. 

As Freddie and Ben prepare to start, he can’t help but fidget in the background, swaying as he fiddles with the hem of his shirt. 

He’s not sure what comes over him when he ducks back into frame, clarifying that there are no feelings involved. 

Soon, they sit behind the camera, and Peter glances across at him. 

“You ok?” Peter murmurs, gesturing to where Balthazar is clutching at his shirt. 

“Uh, yeah,” Balthazar nods, replying with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. It seems to work, as Peter turns back to face Ben and Freds. 

Balthazar feels his dread slowly fade as he falls into a steady banter with Peter, laughing as the commentate the round of chicken in front of them. 

He sneaks a few glances at Peter, and every time he turns to face him, he’s met with him looking straight back with a bright smile on his face. 

His smile fades however by the time the pair are sitting opposite from one another, and Balthazar can’t help but notice Peter’s nervous mannerisms. 

Was even a game of chicken with Balthazar enough to make him uncomfortable? 

“Balthy Balth, you don’t stand a chance.” His voice lacks confidence, and his eyes never leave the ground. 

“You’re all talk, and no action, Peter,” Balthazar responds. 

“I’ll give you action.” 

Balthazar can’t deny the warm feeling in his chest he gets at that line, Peter’s strong tone such a contrast to the nervousness just seconds before. 

Looking up at Peter, he remembers what Hero said about the rules making this easier. 

Surely if he kisses him now, and Peter later says he’s not interested, Balthazar can just blame it on the challenge?

Balthazar holds eye contact with Peter, both of them holding still, a small smile pulling at Balthazar’s lips. 

Balthazar feels a small amount of confidence well up inside him, just enough to take a chance, just enough to give it a go. 

He glances as Peter’s lips, and carefully leans in. 

His heart rate rises as Peter simply stays there, holding eye contact. 

But then his phone rings, and Peter is gone in an instant. 

Balthazar finds himself sitting there, eyes unseeing and heart racing as he tries to process what has happened, but he struggles to think through anything as his mind spins in circles. 

Peter hadn’t hesitated to answer the phone, hadn’t hesitated to run off. If it were anyone else, would he have ignored his phone? Balthazar can only see one answer in his anxiety driven state, he’s repulsive to Peter. He’ll only ever be a friend to him, and that thought alone is enough to increase his already racing heart and make drawing in breath even more difficult. 

He doesn’t even realise Freddie has sat down in front of him until the next round is starting, and he can’t bring himself to focus. 

He can’t sit there, can’t be in front of the camera, can’t do this. 

So he stands and he walks away, not having a thought to spare on how it’ll look once it’s online, or what Freddie and Ben will think. 

\---

_October 5_

Peter sits on his bed, refreshing the flat’s youtube channel over and over, waiting for yesterday’s video to show up. 

He has been over thinking every moment, every action, and Balthazar hasn’t even looked at him since it happened. 

Finally, it shows up and Peter doesn’t hesitate to load the video. 

He quickly skims through the video, starting just before he receives the phone call from Costa. 

He holds his breath as he sees Balth lean in, the moment that has been replaying in his mind over and over for the last 24 hours, the moment he remembers so vividly. 

And then his phone rings, and Peter watches himself walk away.

Why didn’t he stay? He knows he was nervous, but he has never done something like _that_ before. 

But what hurts the most is the expression on Balth’s face after he leaves. The changes so subtle, most wouldn’t pick up on it. 

The way his eyebrows frown just slightly, the way his eyes stay on the ground, the way his lips tighten just enough to be noticeable when he makes an attempt at a smile. The way his throat seems to clench and the way his jaw trembles.

Peter’s never going to answer his phone again. 

Peter feels his entire face drop as he watches Balth stand up and walk away. Running a hand through his hair, he closes the laptop as Freddie starts to celebrate. God she can be inconsiderate. 

Freddie and Ben aside, Peter knows he’s fucked up this time. 

**Peter:** i fucked up

 **John:** what’s wrong?  
 **John:** should i come visit?

 **Peter:** no no its fine  
 **Peter:** ok its not fine but you dont need to come here  
 **Peter:** bens latest video

Peter sits, waiting anxiously for his brother’s reply. When it’s been longer than 15 minutes with no answer, he starts to worry. 

**John:** i have no words  
 **John:** literally none  
 **John:** what the fuck peter

 **Peter:** i already know im a fucking asshole but how the hell do i fix this?

 **John:** give him time, you know how balthazar is. give him time to process, then when you think he’s ready, talk to him. show him you actually care  
 **John:** for the record, i don’t understand how you’ve made this so difficult for yourself

 **Peter:** how do you know balthazar so well

 **John:** pete he basically lived at our house he was over so often  
 **John:** and you never shut up about him

 **Peter:** fair enough

 **John:** either way, ann’s calling me to help clean up down stairs, i better go

 **Peter:** talk later?

 **John:** course

 **Peter:** and visit soon?

 **John:** we’ll leave that at a maybe

\---

Balthazar spends the entire day sitting in his room, fiddling around with his guitar. 

On one hand, he knows he shouldn’t be upset. It was just a game of chicken, he even said himself there were no feelings attached. Peter just got a phone call, and Balthazar knows how important this play is to him, of course he would answer it. 

But on the other hand, the voice in his head can’t stop telling him it’s because he isn’t enough, he’s just repulsive to Peter, that he’ll never be as good as Jaquie. 

Balthazar knows that when he sees his counsellor on Thursday, she’s just going to tell him he’s over thinking it, and it won’t change anything, but it doesn’t stop him taking out his notepad and scribbling down the beginnings of a song. 

_You’re the only fish in the sea… For me._

-

 **Balthazar:** hey, need help recording a song, you down?

 **Paige:** Sorry Balth, got a paper due in a couple days and I’ve barely started  
 **Paige:** Chels says she’s down to help film though?

 **Balthazar:** that’d be great! ill text her the details

_October 8_

“Balthazar, I really don’t think your current living situation is what’s best for you,” Balthazar’s counsellor, Jennifer, says carefully. “From what I’ve seen of these videos, it’s not a very good environment for someone like you.”

Balthazar nods, sighing. 

“I know but, I can’t leave them you know? I don’t think I could physically stay away.”

Balthazar knows he said them, but also knows Jennifer can tell he’s only talking about Peter. 

“Maybe that distance is what you need so you can learn to stay away,” Jennifer suggests, looking at him carefully. When he doesn’t respond, she continues, changing the subject. “Has the grounding I taught you been working? Or is it still getting worse.”

“It’s been better recently, actually,” Balthazar shrugs, “relatively anyway.”

The way Jennifer smiles, the way she looks at him full of pride, is just enough for him to realise that things aren’t going as bad as he thought they are. 

He can still turn this around, he has to. 

\---

_October 9_

It’s the day that Bea and Meg are supposed to arrive, and Peter had planned to stay out in the living room to wait for them. That changed however, when Rosa arrived. 

He couldn’t stand the looks she was sending him, and he still can’t decide if she was trying to encourage him or tell him to stay away. 

In the end, he stays in his room and doesn’t come out until he hears Ben yelling “Bea” in the living room. 

He doesn’t even correct her when she calls him Pedro, too happy to see her to care. After everything that’s happened this year, it’s nice seeing a friend he’s had as long as her. 

Yet, his mistakes of last year come flooding back as Meg hands him his leavers jacket. 

But somehow, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. Sure, the memories aren’t pleasant, but he knows he’s not the person he was then anymore. In a way, the jumper is a nice reminder of how far he’s come. 

Soon, they’re all piled onto the couch and almost _instantly_ Meg is pestering them about the rules. 

“It’s complicated?” Balthazar simply responds, quickly making eye contact with Peter. 

They haven’t talked as much since the chicken video, and everything still feels off between them. Peter desperately wants to find a way to fix it, but has no idea how. 

It’s been five days, and still Balthazar seems to be hiding in on himself like he was at the start of the year.

“Balthazar…” Meg starts, and Peter knows something bad is coming. “Please, _please_ tell me you’re not just doing these rules because you’re gay-“

Peter feels his blood boil, and he knows he’s not alone judging by the various noises of disappointment and disagreement echoing through the room. 

Peter still remembers back in high school how enthusiastic Meg was about Balth’s sexuality. Even if Balth wasn’t as introverted as he is, it still never felt right the way she treated it. Like she was using her kindness towards him as nothing more than a way to be seen as a nice person. 

Even after the pointed looks from everyone in the room, Meg continues. 

“-because you’re gay and you think you’re not going to find someone!” 

“Alright, thanks.” Peter knows he shouldn’t be surprised at how well he handles it. “Not everyone’s as chill with people being gay.”

The memory of punching Balthazar’s class mate comes to the front of Peter’s mind so fast he feels like he’s got whiplash.

Peter half expects the story he has to be about that, and he’s not sure if he’s relieved or disappointed when it isn’t.

Peter keeps his eyes pointedly on the ground as Balthazar continues. Which he quickly realises is a mistake as he spies a large spider hiding under the coffee table. 

Which Balthazar — being the saint he is — quickly takes away. 

\---

It’s just past ten, and everyone aside from the flatmates has retreated to the tent. 

Balthazar knows that Freddie would never bend the rules without a proper flat meeting, and he hopes that they don’t mind staying in the tent for just one night.

“Ok, time to talk about this,” Peter sighs, walking into the living room. 

Balthazar nods carefully, looking between the three of them.

Freddie looks lost in thought, and Ben is very stubbornly staring at the wall. 

“I think we should remove rule six, or at least bend it for close friends like Meg and Bea,” Balth starts, trying to get straight to the point. 

“But the rules have been good! They’ve helped this flat so much, and if we start changing them now then we’ll end up removing them or something before we know it!”

Balthazar sighs, frustrated by Freddie’s rambling. 

“She’s right, we made a commitment to the rules, we should stick by them.”

“Ben, how can you say that? You’re literally leaving your girlfriend to sleep in a tent!” Peter retorts, looking around in frustration, “Balthazar’s right, we can’t just let them sleep outside.”

“But the rules-“

“Did their job! What’s the harm in bending them a little bit now?” 

Balthazar knows the Peter’s right about the rules. Sure they did need them for a while, but now they’ve all changed as people, become _better_ people. Even Peter doesn’t need them anymore. 

“Because we have them, and now we have to commit to them,” Freddie says finally. “If any of you aren’t happy with the rules, nothing’s keeping you here.”

“This is ridiculous,” Balthazar murmurs, standing up and walking to his room. 

“Balth, wait,” Ben calls, but Balth doesn’t even spare him a backwards glance. 

If Ben wants to ruin his relationship over a stupid rule, he can go for it. But he isn’t going to be a part of it. 

“So we’ve come to an agreement? They stay in the tent?” Balth hears Freddie say hopefully through his closed door.

“Some democracy this is,” Peter says in return, shortly followed by a slamming door. 

Balthazar sighs deeply, sitting on the edge of his bed. He knows he won’t be able to sleep now, the clenching feeling in his chest too strong after the fight between the flat. 

Not that most people would really consider it a fight, he supposes. 

Either way, Balth knows the only thing that would help him sleep now is his sister, or Peter. And because of the stupid rules, he can’t go visit Rosa. And there’s no way he’s asking Peter again. Not while things are so rocky between them at the moment. 

So he settles for staying away, plugging in headphones and opening his uni textbook. 

May as well do something productive with his time. 

\---

_October 16_

Peter hovers outside Balthazar’s door, pacing slightly as he builds up the courage to knock. 

“You ok there Pedro?”

Peter shoots a glare at Meg.

“It’s Peter, and I don’t have time for this right now,” he snaps, waving his hand in her general direction. 

“Time for what, exactly?”

Peter lets out a grunt of frustration, knocking on Balth’s door gently before peeking his head in. 

“You can come in,” Balth nods, motioning from his desk chair. “I assume you’re trying to escape Meg.”

Peter hates the way he avoids eye contact, his eyes barely moving from the guitar in his lap. 

“That, plus I wanted to ask if you have work tonight?”

“Yeah, finish up at about ten thirty,” Balth nods, strumming at his guitar softly. 

The last time Peter and Balth had work and rehearsals at the same time, they hadn’t walked home together for the first time since Peter first asked about it. Peter walked almost twenty metres towards the library before he realised he didn’t even know if Balthazar was working that night. 

“I’ve got rehearsal, want me to walk home with you?” Peter asks carefully. 

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Balth smiles, looking up at Peter hopefully. Just with that one line, Peter can almost feel the tension drain from the room. 

“I should go, don’t want to be late,” Peter says quickly, motioning to the door.

“I’ll see you later then?”

“See you later.”

Peter sighs in relief as he closes Balthazar’s door behind him, a grin plastered on his face. 

“Why are you so chipper?” 

“None of your business,” Peter scoffs, pointing a finger in her general direction as he grabs his coat. “I’m off to rehearsals.”

“Fred is going to kill you when she finds out about Balthazar!” Meg calls after him. 

“No she won’t, ‘cause there’s nothing to find out,” he calls behind him as he closes the door, a bittersweet feeling overtaking him. 

Peter isn’t sure how long he can go, doing this dance around Balthazar. 

It’s an endless cycle of them growing closer, so close that Peter’s sure something will happen, then something inevitably goes wrong and they’re left back at square one, rebuilding a friendship. 

Maybe they’ve left this too long.

Maybe it’s too late.

\---

“How did rehearsal go?” Balth asks, wrapping his coat around himself as he walks out into the wind. It’s freezing tonight. 

“Weird.” Balthazar looks up to see Peter’s brow furrowed. “Costa was making us do all these strange like, improv scenes that had nothing to do with the play.” This is one of Balthazar’s favourite parts about walking home with Peter, seeing how he lights up while telling stories of rehearsals. 

“From what I’ve heard, Costa sounds pretty strange,” Balth laughs softly, breath curling in the air in front of him. 

“God Balth, you’re shivering,” Peter mutters, laughing softly. Balth simply shrugs, drawing his arms tighter around himself. 

“We’ll be home soon.”

“You’re too small for Wellington weather,” Peter chides, draping an arm across his shoulder. 

Balthazar involuntarily shifts closer to Peter, relishing in his body heat. And just maybe relishing in the feeling of leaning into Peter, arm wrapped over his shoulder. 

“You’re warm,” Balthazar hums, and Peter laughs softly. 

“Glad to be of service.” 

Peter looks down and catches eye contact with Balthazar, both of them smiling warmly, and neither of them wanting to break the moment. 

Screw the sonnet. Peter knows he has to do something soon, before Balthazar is too far out of his reach.

\---

_October 17_

“Hey, everyone’s ready to film the next challenge video,” Peter starts, poking his head into Balthazar’s room. 

Worry instantly swells as he sees Balthazar sitting on the edge of his bed, head in trembling hands. 

“Hey, you ok?”

He simply shakes his head. 

“I’ll go tell Ben we can’t film today-“

“No, the rules. We have- we can’t not do it but I can’t do it, not now,” Balthazar blurts out, and Peter carefully sits beside him. 

“Fuck the rules, man,” Peter says softly, placing his steady hands over Balth’s trembling ones. 

Balth closes his eyes, taking a few shakey, deep breaths. 

“I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” Peter asks, not believing him. 

“I’m sure I don’t have a choice,” Balthazar murmurs, and before Peter can respond, he’s already left the room.

Peter’s left staring after him helplessly, wishing that just for once Balthazar would put himself before others. 

Quickly joining everyone on the couch, Peter makes sure he sits as close to Balthazar as possible given the remaining space, and rarely takes his eyes of him. 

It’s tearing him up inside, seeing him so forlorn and _lost_. Peter wants to do something, _anything_ , to make him feel better. 

Which is when he remembers the time he fell off the bed, and Balth laughed for what felt like hours. He remembers the way his eyes lit up as they goofed around. 

So he decides to do just that, falling across the couch and landing in Balth’s lap. 

“Help! Help! I’m dying!” When Peter lifts his head to look at Balthazar, his heart swells as he sees a small smile. “What’s the plan, Stan?”

Peter sticks by Balthazar for the rest of the challenge, glad he seems to be in a better mood. 

Not long after they wrap up, the pair are sitting back in Balthazar’s room. 

“Sorry about that,” Balthazar says softly, eyes closed as he falls back onto his bed. Peter tries not to think about how pretty he looks, hair ruffled and hands running across his forehead. 

“What did I say about apologising, Balth,” Peter sighs, sitting down on the bed beside him. “Are you feeling better at least?”

“Tonnes.”

“I’m glad.”

Slowly, Balthazar sits up. 

“Hey, I was thinking of doing another song in a couple of days, do you want to sing it with me?”

Peter smiles, unable to deny the excitement welling inside of him. 

“I’d love to!” 

“C’mere, I’ll teach you the words,” Balth smiles, hopping off his bed and grabbing his favourite guitar. 

\---

_October 19_

Balthazar quickly turns on the camera, resting his guitar against the edge of his bed as he prepares to film his new song. 

He can’t deny how excited he is to sing with Peter, somehow practising just isn’t the same as filming the entire thing. 

This is them performing, together, and making something that’s uniquely theres. 

However, Balthazar feels a nervous feeling grow inside him as Peter starts talking about the rules. 

He still vividly remembers the last time they had this discussion, inches away from each other, lying on the floor. 

“Did you just do it ‘cause I did? ‘Cause that’d be like… a massive paradox,” Peter starts, joining him on the bed. “We can just like, quit now? That’d be, kinda brilliant.” 

Balthazar feels his stomach drop. He can’t shake the feeling that Peter wants the rules to go so he can go back to his casual flings. Balthazar isn’t sure he can go through that again. 

“Freds would kill us though… and it is nice making the time for us all to hang out,” Balthazar shrugs. 

“It just sucks, us all being so single.” Balthazar sighs in resignation. He had been right. “It’s just nice, having someone to hold hands with.”

“You sure it’s not something else you’re missing, Peter?” Balthazar says in response, trying to keep his tone playful, plastering a smile on his face. 

“Wouldn’t it be nice to just… _be_ with someone?”

“Not if it’s a casual thing,” Balth shrugs, speaking his mind. He had tried casual once, while still in high school. He had regretted it almost instantly, and it had just left him feeling empty and hopeless. Balthazar doesn’t know how Peter does it. 

Shaking his head slightly, Balthazar ends the conversation by picking up his guitar, and they begin to perform. 

He can’t ignore how much he enjoys it, sending glances back and forth, smiling through the lyrics and feeling shivers run up his arms at the sound of their voices combined. 

“Nice,” he smiles, looking over at Peter happily, putting the guitar back down again. 

When he turns back to face him, Balth is met with Peter staring at him intently. 

Balthazar is hyperaware of every moment between them, the way Peter’s arm sits just behind him, how his eyes never leave Balth’s face. 

“There’s that look again,” Peter says with a small smirk. 

“What look?” Balth says nervously, holding eye contact, trying his hardest not to turn away, to close himself off. 

“That look of potential.” 

Balth feels his heart rate rise as Peter closes his eyes, slowly inching towards him. 

He runs on instinct, words bouncing around through his mind as he moves closer to Peter, eyes falling to his lips. 

He can’t process what’s happening, doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what’s happening. 

Peter’s face his inches from his own, lips parted gently. 

Somehow, Balth’s heart rate manages to elevate further as his nose gently brushes against Peter’s cheek, mind still whirling, trying to make sense of everything. 

But just as his lips brush against Peter’s his mind falls on one word. 

_Potential._

He pulls back, hands shaking as it finally slams into him, realisation choking him like barbed wire. 

“Wait, potential?” 

“Yeah, like potentially do you want to make out?”

So that’s what this is, another casual thing. It’s like every conversation they’ve had leading up to this hasn’t mattered, all Peter cares about is another stupid fucking hookup and suddenly Balth can’t see straight, can’t think, can’t process. 

“You can’t just try kiss someone and tell them they have potential, what does that even mean?” he manages to ramble out.

“I think you’re really cool-“

“No, no. You don’t get it Pete, please. Just leave,” Balth says, not knowing what he’s doing, not know what he’s saying. 

All he can think of is that he’s nothing but a casual fling to Peter, and it’s all he’ll ever be and it’s really not helping the tight feeling that’s still swelling in his chest, like it’s trying to suffocate him. 

“Balthazar!”

He doesn’t wait any longer, dashing out of the room. He doesn’t even see where he’s going, just fumbling through the apartment as he tries to breath, tries to do anything to make the feeling go away. 

It’s like someone’s sitting on him, taunting him as he scrambles to make sense of what’s happening, tries to understand how this could happen. 

He grips the kitchen counter, breaths coming in sharp bursts. 

\---

Peter feels empty, hopeless and incredibly shitty as he turns off the camera. 

Of all the words to use, he chose _potential_?

But suddenly, it doesn’t matter anymore as he hears a crash in the kitchen. 

He hurdles the couch after running out of Balth’s room, blood running cold at the thought of what could be happening. 

What he sees when he arrives in the kitchen doorway shatters his heart for so many reasons. 

Balth is crouched on the kitchen floor, surrounded by glass shards as he tries to pick them up with shaking hands, no doubt leaving cuts in his fingers. 

His breathing is ragged, and he doesn’t seem to even notice Peter standing in the doorway.

But what hurts the most is the knowledge that Peter caused this. This is _his_ fault. 

He spent so long being angry at the reasons for Balth’s anxiety, he doesn’t know what to do now that he’s the cause. 

“Balth, stop, leave the glass,” Peter says quickly, grabbing Balth’s hands. 

“Can’t leave it-“

“I’ll deal with it. I need you to step over the glass, can you do that?”

Balth nods gently, and Peter helps him step over the shattered glass. 

“Just breathe, yeah?” Peter says softly, brushing a tear off his cheek before pulling him to his chest, “you’re safe, just breath.” 

\---

“We need to talk about this,” Peter says softly, Balthazar sitting beside him on the kitchen floor. 

Glass still litters the tiles, but it’s at least no longer in Balth’s fingers, and they’re both clutching a cup of tea. 

“Yeah,” Balth sighs. 

“Listen, I was a dick and I went around this all wrong,” Peter starts, running a hand down his face, “and it’s completely up to you what happens from here.”

Balth’s eyes still feel dry and swollen, and the stinging in his hands are a constant reminder of what happened barely twenty minutes ago. 

He isn’t sure what to think. He doesn’t know how Peter feels, what Peter wants, and all that Balthazar knows is that he can’t do something casual. Definitely not with Peter. 

“Can we just forget about today?” Balth says softly, leaning his head back against the counter “Please?” He doesn’t want to think about this, he doesn’t want to loose Peter’s friendship over this. 

“‘Course,” Peter nods softly, but doesn’t shift away from Balth. 

“We’re still friends though, right?”

“I think you mean best friends, Balthazar Jones.”

And suddenly, everything feels ok. Balth smiles, looking over at Peter. 

“We should probably uh, hide that footage though,” Peter says nervously. 

“You do that, I’ll clean up the glass?”

And that’s how Balthazar ends up sweeping up glass with bloodied hands, tear stains on his cheek, but relief coursing through him as he realises this might not be the end. 

\---

_October 20_

Walking back from the shops, Peter stops in his tracks as a realisation dawns on him. 

“I forgot cows milk.”

“Well we can’t go back now, we’re almost home,” Balth grins, “plus there’s plenty of almond milk.”

“Once a week is enough almond milk for me,” Peter groans, debating walking back as he checks his watch. 

“I’ll get some on my way back from work tonight?”

“Perfect,” Peter nods in thanks, and they continue walking. 

They’ve fallen into this strange feeling of normalcy, and Peter is content. 

He knows he’s messed up, but know he knows they can both move past it. 

And definitely not anytime soon, but maybe one day he could still have something with Balthazar, and for now, that’s enough. 

But when he walks into the apartment to see Ben staring at the camera, an uneasy feeling grows. Surely Ben hasn’t found the footage already…

“Rules have been broken.”

Peter does his best to act nonchalant, explaining the shopping quickly before attempting to retreat to the kitchen. 

“ _Rules_ , have been broken.”

“Just spit it out Ben,” Freddie sighs. 

“That footage.”

Peter feels his heart physically stop as Ben pulls out the hard drive, the one he had hidden in his room. 

He doesn’t even think about Ben having gone through his things, he can only process what this could mean to Balthazar.

“What actually was the crime?” Freddie asks Ben, and he turns to face her. 

“They kissed.” Ben deadpans. 

“I wouldn’t call it that-“ Peter starts, but is cut off. 

“Your lips touched Donaldson, it counts!”

“C’mon Ben, can we just drop it?” Balth says, his voice pleading as he glances at Peter. “It’s not going to happen again until the rules are gone, can we just leave it at that?”

“Balth’s right, we talked about it and we decided-“

“Peter, it doesn’t matter what you decided. You broke a rule, and you need to be punished,” Freddie insists, and Peter sighs in frustration. 

How has he managed to mess up so many times in so few days?

“It was all me though, at least leave Balthazar out of this,” Peter pleads, willing to take the fall.

“Oh,” Freddie says softly.

“So do I even punish you Balth?” Ben says softly, and Peter hates the way he’s acting. The way he’s talking about the pair of them like they’re nothing but chess pieces, and what move would most suit his own agendas, regardless of who gets hurt in the process. 

As Ben continues, Peter feels his anger slowly build, fists clenched at his sides as Ben recounts yesterdays events. 

“I’ve made my decision. Your punishment being, it gets uploaded to the internet.” 

“No!”

Balth’s reaction is almost immediate, and Peter knows there’s no way in hell he’s letting Ben go through with this. 

“For everyone to see,” Ben continues. 

“Really? Great rule keeping Benedick, it’s no wonder we put you in charge,” Peter retorts, venom thick in his tone. 

Ben is being an asshole, Peter knows he has no right to post that footage, rules or no rules. 

“May I just remind you that I am the only person who is yet to break _any_ of the rules!”

Peter sighs, shaking his head. 

“Look, Balthazar doesn’t want it online. This is my punishment.”

“You both broke the kissing rule.”

It takes a majority of Peter’s self control to stop him grabbing the front of Ben’s shirt and screaming at him. 

But what hurts the most is watching Balthazar walk away. 

“Just put it up, I don’t care.”

Peter hates how dejected he looks. 

“Are you sure?” Ben asks. Yeah what a great fucking time to finally be lenient. 

“Don’t worry Benedick. Won’t happen again. You made sure of that,” Peter scowls. 

“Don’t you _dare_ blame me for your own issues!” 

Peter wants to scream at him, tell him that he already had everything sorted out before Ben came along and meddled. Instead, he settles for aggressively putting the groceries away, wishing he could do anything to stop that footage ending up online. 

Any hope Peter had is gone, crushed under Ben and Fred’s tyranny. Because that’s what it is. Tyranny. 

_October 23_

Peter lies back on his bed, staring up at his ceiling. 

The only other room he’s been in since Ben punished them is the bathroom, and that’s only out of necessity. 

He’s entering and leaving the flat through his window, anything to avoid the rest of the flat, the rest of his responsibilities. 

He’s left his phone on the couch somewhere, but honestly? He doesn’t really care. It’s probably nearly flat now. 

John’s been sending him messages on Skype, well was at least. He’d shut down his computer after the noise started driving him mad. 

It’s not that he and Balth are on bad terms, it’s much worse than that. 

He’s closed himself off again, from Peter, from everyone. 

The few times he’s seen Balth, he’s looked awful. Eyes tired, whole posture curled in on himself, making him appear even smaller than usual. 

Peter flinches as his bedroom door pushes open, and he sends a glare in Ben’s direction as he sees who it is. 

His glare weakens however when Ben mouths ‘ _it’s your mum'_ , and hands him his phone. 

“Mum?” Peter says, snatching the phone from Ben. 

If she was willing to call _Ben_ of all people to contact him, something must be wrong. 

“Hey Peter, John wants to talk to you, is that ok?”

“Uh, should be fine,” Peter says in semi-relief. Nothing major, but he’ll still have to listen to John chastise him like he’s a five year old. 

“Peter I already know you’ve done nothing but mope for days so don’t even try to deny it.”

Peter sighs, taking Ben’s phone back to his room. After a moment of indecisiveness, he opens the curtains. 

“Surely I’m allowed to wallow in self pity after all the shit that’s happened,” Peter scoffs, falling back onto the bed. 

“God Peter, you are such a masochist.”

“What do you want me to do then?” Peter questions, sighing in defeat.

“For a start, talk to Balthazar.” Peter is about to interrupt, but John shuts him down. “He needs a friend.”

“He has plenty of friends-“

“All of which he’s too polite to ask for help,” John reminds him, and Peter closes his eyes. Letting out a deep breath, Peter knows that John’s right. 

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“I’m also coming up to visit, I’ve already booked the flights so don’t even try to say no.”

“Do you really want to have to stay in a tent with Meg, Beatrice and Kit?” Peter scoffs, reminding him of the rules. 

“You need to start fighting back against these rules if you ever want things to change, Pete,” John sighs, frustration evident in his voice. 

“Yeah, ok,” Pete nods in agreement. “When’s your flight?”

“The 30th, next Friday.”

“See you then, I guess,” Peter sighs, realising he’s going to have a long week of negotiating ahead of him.

“See you then. You better have talked to Balth by then.”

Correction. A long week of negotiating _and_ trying to fix the mess that’s been made around him. 

_October 25_

“Hey Balth,” Peter says softly, pushing open the already ajar door to his room. 

“Hey.”

Balth doesn’t even look up from his notebook, and Peter hates how small he looks.

“Sorry this took me so long. Just checking if you’re ok,” Peter says, hovering near the doorway. He’s unsure of what to do, unsure of what Balthazar wants him to do. 

Balth looks up, eventually, and the dark circles are enough to make Peter feel his heart ache. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Balth almost whispers. His voice is hoarse and dry and so utterly broken that Peter’s throat tightens at the sound of it. 

“You’re gonna have to elaborate for me, Balthy.” Peter sifts beside him on the bed carefully. 

“Live here, be filmed all the time, like my life is some fucking reality TV show and everyone’s just screwing me over to get more views,” Balth rants, his voice raising as he progresses, and Peter realises he has a point. 

“As much as I would like to kill Ben, I feel like that isn’t the best solution at the moment,” Peter says in response, pride swelling as Balth manages a small smile. 

“Might live to regret that,” Balth says, and Peter isn’t sure if he’s talking about the regret of killing him, or the regret of having to _keep_ living with him. 

“Either way, the term ends in what, mid December?” Balth nods. “That’s a month and a half away, plenty of time to decide. Then if you want, we can move out like we were talking about?”

Peter can’t deny how nervous he is at the proposition. 

“But then Freddie and Ben are two people down, and rent would be way more expensive with half the people, I can’t abandon them,” he shrugs. 

“One, after what they’ve done you have every right to abandon them. Two, they’ll have Christmas break to find new housemates,” Peter shrugs. 

“I’ll think about it,” Balth nods, smiling up at Pete softly. 

“First, you should get some sleep.”

“Peter it’s like 9pm.”

“And you look exhausted.” Peter stands up, carefully closing Balth’s notebook and putting it on the desk. “Get some sleep,” he repeats, smiling as he sees Balth yawn. 

“Yeah, ok,” he gives in, and Peter casts one last smile in his direction before closing the door. 

\---

_October 26_

“That is literally the worst idea I have _ever_ heard-“

“What, so it’s worse than staying and living here?”

“Balthy you can’t live alone with the guy you’ve been pining over for like six years, that’s not going to end well!”

Balthazar sighs, looking down at his lap. 

“This place just isn’t good for me at the moment, but that’s not because of Peter.”

“At least talk to your counsellor before you decide?”

Balthazar doesn’t get the chance to respond, as Ben quickly bursts into the room. The last person he wants to see. 

Balth thinks he has no right to be mad at Ben, he basically told Ben to go through with it. To be fair, he only said it to escape the situation, but he said it none the less. 

But it doesn’t change the fact that Ben’s the cause of most of his struggles as of late, ever since he started the stupid vlogging. 

“What the fuck Ben, can’t you tell this is a bad time to film?” Rosa snaps as Ben starts setting up the camera. 

“Well yeah I just I-“

“It’s fine. We can film,” Balth says, quick to cut off his rambling. No matter how upset he is, he still doesn’t know how to say no to Ben. Especially not in front of a camera. 

As Rosa starts singing, and Balthazar keeps his eyes away from the camera and tries to keep his face blank.

He understands the message of the song clearly, no matter how much he cares about Peter, Rosa thinks he should let it go. 

The internet’s seen enough of that lately, they don’t need to see his reactions to this song. 

\---

That night, Peter looks up as Balthazar pushes open his bedroom door. 

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Peter nods, swivelling his chair to face the bed as Balth sits down. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, actually,” Balth nods. “Last couple of days were just worse than usual.”

Peter doesn’t have to ask to know why.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Peter nods, bringing his knee to his chest to rest his chin on.

“I should be fine now, staying here,” Balthazar shrugs, and Peter frowns slightly. 

“So you’ll stay here for next year?”

“That’s still undecided,” Balthazar is quick to clarify. If anyone asked, Peter would deny the relief flooding him. “But for the rest of this year, I’ll get through it.”

Peter nods, then perks up as he remembers something. “I forgot to mention! John’s coming to stay soon.”

“Are you sure John will want to stay in the tent?” Balthazar asks skeptically, trying to contain a laugh. 

“I’m gonna try persuade Freds to let him share my room, I mean he’s my brother it’s not like we’re going to break any rules,” Peter scoffs. 

“Got something to tell me Pete?” Balthazar teases, not even trying to hide his laughter this time. 

“Oh shut up,” Peter grins, rolling his eyes. 

“Jokes aside, I’ll back you if it comes to a vote,” Balth assures.

“Thanks,” Peter nods, swivelling in his chair. “It means a lot.”

Sitting in his room, talking to Balthazar like this, makes Peter hopeful for the future. 

Maybe they can get back a sense of normalcy again. Even if they never become more than friends, Peter is content. Given everything that’s happened, he’s more than lucky to call Balthazar a friend. 

_October 28_

“Hey guys,” Peter says, breathing deeply. This could either go horribly wrong, or semi ok. Peter isn’t excited for either option. 

“Pedro?” Beatrice frowns, and Peter winces at the old nickname. 

“I just came to talk about something.”

“Does it involve us getting to leave this stupid tent?” Meg snaps accusingly. 

“Uh- no?” Peter frowns nervously. “We’ve been thinking. If everyone agrees to break a rule, then it should be ok with everyone.”

“Define ‘we’,” Kit asks disbelievingly. 

“Just Balthazar and I.”

“What? Why?” Beatrice asks, and Peter hates the hopeful tone in her voice. Hates it because he’s about to let her down. 

“John’s coming up, and I think it would be better for everyone if he stayed in the flat instead of the tent,” Peter sighs, and unsurprisingly both Meg and Bea’s expressions change from confusion to anger. 

“Um, no. He can’t stay in the house,” Meg scoffs, shifting to sit up straighter. “That’s ridiculously unfair.” 

Somehow, the conversation ends up back in the living room, and soon everyone (except Balthazar of course) is arguing about it. 

“What, so does this mean that all the tent people can stay in the house?” Beatrice asks.

“No!” Fred snaps, clearly angry. 

“Well if John is allowed to stay, doesn’t that mean the rules are going?” Kit points out, “either that or you’d be breaking them anyway. What difference does it make if we all stay?”

“For a start, we wouldn’t fit,” Fred points out, “and we’re not going to be breaking the rules as John will just count as a part of the flat for a while.”

Peter is glad that John will be allowed to stay inside, he just wishes that it doesn’t upset so many people in the process.

“So we’re all in agreement?” Ben sighs, looking around the room. 

“If Bea’s happy, I’m happy,” Meg says begrudgingly. 

“I’m cool with it,” Balth nods, and Peter smiles at him thankfully. 

“Looks like it’s settled then,” Fred nods, “John will count as a flat member for the duration of his stay.”

Peter breathes out a sigh of relief. It at least hadn’t gone horribly wrong, and now he won’t have to put up with John staring at him disappointedly. 

And, he’d get to spend more time with him. Now that it’s only a few days until he arrives, Peter realises he’s missed his brother a lot more than he thought he would. 

\---

_October 30_

“He’s almost here,” Peter says, standing up as he receives a text from John. 

He’s going to meet him at the bottom of the staircase, just to be sure he knows where to go. 

“I’ll let Freddie and Ben know,” Balth nods, putting down his ukulele and following Peter into the living room. 

Peter can’t deny that he’s excited to see John. He’s been the one person he can trust for honest advice this past year, and he’s starting to realise what he was missing out on. Having a brother is much better than he thought it would be when he was just a scared ten year old. 

“Peter!”

“Hey!” Peter smiles, wrapping John up in a hug as he gets out of the taxi. “It’s good to see you!”

“As idiotic as you are, it’s good to see you too,” John laughs, stepping back. “So, should I expect a tent or a ceiling over my head?”

“A ceiling,” Peter assures, and they start their walk up the stairs. “But I think Ben wants to punish me for it.”

Peter sees John frown, slowing down his steps slightly. “No, if there’s a punishment involved, I’ll do it not you.”

“You’re a guest here, it’d be unfair if you did it! I’m doing it and that’s final,” Peter says, motioning with his hand angrily. It’s bad enough John almost had to sleep in a tent just to visit his brother, there’s no way he’s letting him be punished too.

“Yeah, and I also know about your experience with punishments,” John scoffs, “I’d rather you not have to do another.”

“I’ll be fine, John,” Peter sighs, thankful for his brother’s concern, but finding it unnecessary. “It might not even happen.”

“Hey! It’s John!” Ben calls from above, drawing out they ‘ey’ in hey just long enough to be annoying. “Peter’s brother from another mother!”

Peter resists the urge to yell. 

“Actually yeah, that’s true,” Peter says instead. 

Soon, they’re inside and crammed onto the couch. 

“Do you wanna go to the movies or something?” Peter asks, certain that John doesn’t want to spend time around Ben and Freddie as much as he does. 

“Yeah, sure,” John says in agreement, before turning to face him. “Wait, what about rehearsals?” 

“It’s fine,” he insists. As if he was leaving John alone here — on his first day no less — and he couldn’t take John to rehearsal. Costa is way too strict and absurd for that. 

He stops listening as he searches for movie times, but Peter’s attention is drawn back in as they discuss John’s initiation. He wasn’t told about this. 

“Peter, you get Balthazar and meet us in the back yard?” 

“Sure, we’ll be there in a sec,” Peter nods, walking in the opposite direction to the others as he knocks on Balthazar’s door. 

“Come in!” Peter opens the door to see Balthazar sitting on the floor, strumming on the ukulele and looking at an open text book. 

“Why are you on the floor?” Peter laughs, heart warming as Balthazar grins up at him. 

“Couldn’t get comfy,” he shrugs. 

“You mean you couldn’t get comfortable on that massive bed you have?”

“I’m just unique.”

“You can say that again,” Peter says, smirking slightly. 

Balthazar is quick to change the subject. “Uh, did you have something to say when you knocked?”

“Oh, yeah. The others are on the lawn waiting for us. We’re _initiating_ John,” Peter says, using air quotes around ‘initiating’. 

“Probably should’ve opened with that, Pete,” Balth says, putting his guitar down and getting to his feet. 

“Might wanna put another layer on, it’s windy outside,” Peter advises, and Balthazar quickly grabs a shirt from the ground before they head outside. 

“What took you guys so long?” Fred snaps, her tone full of accusation. 

“We weren’t breaking any rules, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Peter retorts, sending Freddie a glare. 

Thankfully, she drops it and hands Peter the sheet of rules.

Peter feels a bit silly, reading the rules with John on one knee in front of him. The rest of the flatmates stand around him stoically, and it’s definitely not something he does everyday. 

What doesn’t feel silly, is the banter between him and his brother.

“Do you agree to remain a faithful vegetarian for so long as you abide under this roof… well you know, roof?”

“High ceilings.”

“Great views.”

“Solar heating.”

He’s proud at how far they’ve come, and glad he’s mended the mistakes of his past. 

\---

After spending so many afternoons and nights at Peter’s house through high school, Balthazar knows John better than he thought he would. 

Sitting on the grass with John and Kit, he realises talking to them is carefree, easy and he has more in common with John than just a care for Peter. 

“So how’ve you been, Balthazar?”

“Not great, but not bad either,” he shrugs, lifting his eyes from the ground for a moment. 

“Any advice for following Fred and Ben’s crazy rules?” John laughs, and Balthazar laughs with him, picking at the grass. 

“Don’t fall in love,” Kit says, and Balthazar doesn’t miss the glance he sends at Freddie. 

“Both of you?” John asks, eyebrows raised.

Balthazar isn’t sure whether or not to deny it. I mean this is Peter’s _brother_ of all people. 

“It would seem that way,” Kit nods, turning his attention back to the battle between Ben, Freddie and Peter. 

“Balth! Help me!” 

Balthazar looks up to see Peter being hit by Ben, who seems to be holding some sort of stick while Freddie waves around her spatula like it’s a wand. 

“Well I think you’ve both fallen for complete idiots,” John laughs, sending a knowing glance at Balthazar as he stands up. 

Balthazar sighs, but smiles as he watches Peter. He knows he has. And he knows he’s made a mess of it, thanks to his messed up mental state, but maybe it’s not such a bad thing. 

“Please! Spare me!” Peter yells in mock surrender, falling to his knees. 

“Never!” Ben cries, lifting the stick behind his head to strike down on Peter.

Laughing, Balthazar jumps up, just reaching the stick and snatching it from Ben’s unsuspecting grasp. 

“You traitor!” Ben yells, laughing as he points at Balthazar accusingly. 

“My saviour,” Peter smiles, mock swooning as Balthazar holds the stick, uncertain on what to do next. 

“Well he is the mighty Balthazar, if I remember correctly,” John smiles standing up to join the group. 

“You do remember correctly, for he is mighty,” Peter teases, throwing an arm over Balth’s shoulders, and the other over Johns. 

Balth doesn’t bother trying to be subtle as he smiles up at Peter, heart warming as he sees his gaze returned. 

“Shall we spare Ben or bring him to his end?”

“Maybe we should spare him, be merciful,” Balthazar jokes, handing the stick to Peter. 

“You’re too kind, Balthazar Jones.”

“It’s a character flaw,” Balthazar agrees, and Peter raises his eyebrows slightly, a knowing look in his eyes. A look that says, we’re talking about this later.

“You don’t have any flaws, you’re like the most perfect person in existence,” Ben scoffs, giving Balthazar an excuse to look away from Peter. 

“You know, hero worship can be quite problematic,” Balth teases, trying not to show how uncomfortable being called perfect made him. Balthazar is many things, but he knows he’s far from perfect. 

“As shown by his obsession with Marlow,” Peter chimes in, nudging Balthazar lightheartedly. 

“Hey, Marlow is a _genius_!”

Balthazar laughs, looking around at his friends. This is what he expected when he moved in here. The weight of Peter’s arm across his shoulder, Ben and Fred bantering, Peter making jokes as John laughs from a far. 

If this is what the flat was always like, Balthazar would be more than happy. 


	6. november

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the month of november

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know that the vegan brownie video would've most likely been filmed in november, but i won't have time to write it anytime soon so i'll put it in december. (this is also barely edited be warned)
> 
> also, reuben hudson has recently had a kidney transplant! i encourage anyone reading this to offer him your support :)

_November 1_

Balthazar walks through the front door of the flat, backpack slung over his shoulder. 

“Balthazar!” 

Balthazar flinches back as Peter jumps up off the couch, laughing at his friends enthusiasm. He sees that all the flat members — including John — are sitting on the couch. The camera sits on it’s tripod, seemingly already filming. 

“Sorry, am I late?” Balthazar frowns, not remembering a scheduled challenge. 

“Nah, but we are waiting. Come sit down,” Ben motions, and John shifts to make room on the couch. 

Balthazar sits down, pulling a pillow into his lap. 

“Alrighty guys, it’s punishment time!” 

“I’m pretty sure we can come up with a punishment,” Peter says, nodding towards Ben, “for _you_.”

Balthazar sighs as he explains his chaperoning of Ben and Bea’s date. It had been a few days before John arrived, and Ben had all but dragged him along. 

“You think that’s clever?” Peter laughs, “it’s just sad.”

Balthazar can’t help but agree. The fact that the stupid rules mean Ben needs a chaperone while on a date at the age of eighteen. 

The rules aren’t benefiting anyone anymore, yet no one seems to see it. 

“We’ve decided there should be a forfeit for breaking the flat rules and letting John stay,” Freddie starts, turning to face John. 

“Peter, why?” John sighs, in a tone that tells Balthazar they’ve talked about this before. 

“Bro, it’s fine-“ Peter brushes off. 

“No it’s not fine, because I didn’t ask you to be self sacrificing!” 

Balthazar watches the argument drag on, and he realises it’ll never come to a conclusion. They’re both far too stubborn to give in. John is right about Peter being self sacrificing. It’s a character trait Balthazar noticed after Hero’s birthday party, and one he’s never been able to unsee. 

“Ideas anyone?” he buts in, attempting to change the subject. 

“What if you kill a lizard!” Ben starts. 

“And skin it! And eat it!” Fred finishes.

Balthazar frowns, revolted, and sits up in his seat. “No!” 

“I’d do it.”

Balthazar turns to face John in faux-fear, grinning as the five of them descend in bouts of laughter. 

“How are we related!” Peter says, motioning at his brother with a grin. 

“You literally ate a lizard as a child Peter!” 

“But didn’t you only meet Peter when you were like, teens?” Freddie asks nervously. 

“He ate a lizard as a dare when he was fourteen,” Balthazar explains, smirking at Peter slightly at the memory. 

“Yeah, well that same day you snorted sour patch kids sugar and gave yourself a blood nose!” Peter retorts, and Balthazar cringes at the memory, it had stung like crazy. 

“Is there a secret, rebellious side to you we haven’t discovered, Balthy?” Ben asks, his tone appalled. 

“Oh definitely,” Peter smiles, “you guys don’t know the half of it.”

Balthazar smiles, rolling his eyes. It wasn’t that he had a ‘ _secret rebellious side_ ’, or however Ben wants to label it. It’s just that in high school, Balthazar had trusted Peter with everything. He could be himself, mess around, do dumb shit with him in a way that he never could with anyone else. 

“As someone who was often kept awake by the shit they did, I can confirm,” John adds, and Peter smacks him lightly. 

“Anyway, back on topic, yeah?” Freddie laughs. 

“What if they bathe fully clothed?” Balthazar suggests, looking across at Ben. The way his face lights up is almost comical. 

-

“You excited?” Balthazar laughs, holding Peter’s jacket as they watch the bathtub fill. 

“Not especially,” Peter shrugs, looking across at him, “but as far as punishments go…”

Balth simply nods. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“As soon as Fred or Ben need a punishment, I promise I’m going to make it hell for them,” Peter mutters so softly Balthazar’s sure he wasn’t meant to hear it. So he keeps quiet, watching as Peter approaches the bath. 

As much as he wants Ben and Freddie to understand what they’ve done, he wishes living in the flat didn’t feel like some weird cold war. 

Balthazar smiles at the two brothers sitting in the bath, covering his hands with his sleeves as he watches Peter, face covered in bubbles and hair tousled in an adorable way. 

“You know, it’s not actually a bubble bath ‘till you’ve got your hair properly wet,” Balthazar grins, looking at Peter with a teasing glint in his eye. 

Peter glares at him in response as Freddie douses his head with water before messing it up. 

Balthazar laughs at the sight of him trying to style it, shrugging as he looks at him for approval. 

As they finish the bath, Ben turns off the camera and goes to change the battery and Freddie simply leaves once the entertainment is over. 

“I reckon put your clothes straight in the washing machine,” Balth says, carefully avoiding looking at where Peter’s wet clothing clings to him as he empties the bath. 

“Yeah good call,” Peter nods, attempting to peel wet clothing off his skin. 

“Why did you think wearing skinny jeans would be a good idea,” Balthazar chastises, reaching into the cupboard to get a spare towel for John, anything to stop himself staring. 

“Well I didn’t exactly wake up this morning with the intent of getting in the bath.”

“No one was stopping you from changing,” Balthazar points out. 

“Fair,” Peter shrugs, reaching behind Balthazar to grab his own towel, dripping water across Balth’s arm as he does so. “Oh, sorry,” Peter says quickly, gently brushing the water off. The simple contact sends shivers up his arm, and not because of the cold water. 

“I’ll let you guys get changed,” Balthazar says quickly after a moment of silence, managing to smile slightly before dashing out into the living room. 

It’d be much easier to stay friends with Peter if he wasn’t so stupidly adorable. 

\---

“Well that was painful to watch,” John murmurs after Balthazar leaves the bathroom. 

“Huh?”

“Never-mind,” John sighs, and Peter shrugs it off. If it were important, he knows his brother would tell him. 

A more pressing issue is the wet clothing sticking to his skin. Looking down at his jeans, he knows they’re going to be a pain to take off. 

Eventually, Peter is dry and warm and sitting on the floor in front of the couch with the flat. 

“You know punishments aren’t actually meant to be fun,” Freddie says from behind him, her tone light and clearly unaware of what she’s saying. Peter resists the urge to snap at her. 

“I’ve never had fun doing one,” Balthazar says carefully, his tone cold. 

Peter’s thankful John changes the subject. 

“So Balthazar, what’re you doing for your birthday?”

“Yeah, that’s super soon,” Peter nods. He still needs to buy him a present. He doesn’t even know where to start, it has to be perfect. Everyone else has agreed to just give Balthazar a day without rules for his birthday, but Peter just feels like its a cheap gift. 

_‘Here! For your birthday you can have one day off these rules that are making your life crappy! Even though its us who are enforcing them in the first place! But don’t even think about removing them forever!’_

“It’s fine if nothing happens though really, it’s not like we can have it past ten anyway,” Balthazar shrugs, and Peter swears to himself he won’t let Balthazar do nothing on his birthday. 

_November 4_

“I can’t believe you couldn’t even find a birthday present on your own,” Jaquie scoffs, walking beside Peter as they stroll through a shopping centre. 

“Without a second opinion I would’ve either never made a decision or bought the crappiest gift ever,” Peter assures, half heartedly looking through each shop window they pass. 

“You are so lovesick it hurts.”

Peter avoids replying to that. Avoids acknowledging the word _love_. Is that what this is?

They’ve been looking around for almost an hour, and Peter still has no idea what to get Balthazar. His birthday is in three days, how is he supposed to get something now?

“Why don’t you just say the sonnet’s for his birthday?” Jaquie sighs, pausing in front of a high end fashion store, looking through the window.

“That is no where near finished,” Peter sighs, running a hand through his hair. He’s awful at rhyming words, let alone rhyming them into something heartfelt. 

“Wait.” Jaquie holds her hand up, turning to face Peter. He’s not sure if the grin on her face should worry him or excite him. 

“Waiting?”

“What if you make him a ukulele?” Jaquie suggests, and Peter raises his eyebrows. 

“How the hell am I supposed to do that?” Peter scoffs. “For a start, there’s three days ‘till his birthday, and I don’t even know where to start!”

“C’mon, my friend is doing woodwork as an elective, he’ll be able to help,” Jaquie says, dragging him into the craft store across the street. “First you’ll need something to make it unique.” 

Half an hour later, they leave the craft store with a variety of paints and materials and Peter is feeling _much_ more excited for Balthazar’s birthday. 

\---

_November 5_

“One last thing, this is the last time I see you before your birthday, so I better give this to you now.”

Balthazar smiles warmly as Jennifer hands him a handmade card with a record painted on the front. 

“It’s amazing, thank you,” Balthazar smiles warmly. She has done so much for him, and he couldn’t be more grateful. 

“I’m glad you like it,” she grins, “I’ll see you in two weeks?”

“See you then,” Balth nods, walking out of the office. He looks down as he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, quickly taking it out to check it. 

**Peter:** i’m at uni, you just finished with jennifer right?

 **Balthazar:** yeah, just walked out  
 **Balthazar:** why are you at uni?

Balthazar frowns at the text, Peter doesn’t have any classes today and he thought he was planning on spending the day back at the flat.

 **Peter:** was just hanging out with jaquie and one of her friends  
 **Peter:** want to walk home together?

 **Balthazar:** sure, meet at the front gate?

Peter: see you in five ;)

“Hey!”

Balthazar turns around to see Peter jogging up to him, and he can’t help but smile. 

“Peter Donaldson, you are exactly two minutes late,” he teases. 

“I apologise, oh mighty Balthazar,” Peter grins, bowing in jest before Balthazar smacks him playfully. 

“C’mon, let’s head home.”

“You sure you want to head back to the madness that is Ben and Rosa trying to plan a party?” Peter questions, and Balthazar nods. 

“That is a good point.” The pair of them have done nothing but plan for the last few days, and Balthazar isn’t sure how he feels about the whole thing. 

He’s excited for the party, and the break from the rules, but he’s not so sure about it being all for him. 

Either way, he’s going to make the most of it. 

“You excited to be nineteen?” Peter asks, nudging him gently as they continue their walk. 

“Yeah,” Balth nods after a moment of thought, “I think this year is going to be a good one.”

\---

_November 7_

Peter wakes up early that day, a stomach full of nerves stopping him from falling back asleep.

What if Balthazar hates the ukulele? Then what would he do? Not that Balth would ever say that to his face of course, which almost makes it worse. What if he just lies about liking it?

“I can hear your thinking from here,” John murmurs from the mattress on the floor, “either go back to sleep or leave.”

“Sorry,” Peter whispers, grabbing the box containing Balthazar’s present and a jumper before heading out into the living room. 

After carefully closing the door behind him, Peter is surprised to see Balthazar already awake, sitting on the sofa. 

“What are you doing up?” Peter asks, walking to sit on the other sofa. 

“Mum rang me to say happy birthday before she left for work, couldn’t get back to sleep,” Balthazar shrugs, a small smile on his face. 

“Speaking of, happy birthday!” Peter is quick to hand Balthazar the box, awkwardly watching as Balthazar takes it. 

“You didn’t have to get me anything Pete, there was already the rules-“

“Which I think is a crappy present, so I got you something else,” Peter shrugs, not taking his eyes off the box, anxiously awaiting Balthazar’s reaction. 

He watches as Balthazar takes the lid off, carefully lifting out the guitar. It’s painted in marbled blue and white with silver strings, and on the back is a message written in sharpie. 

‘ _Handcrafted by Peter Donaldson for the mighty Balthazar Jones_.'

“I know you have like a million ukuleles but I didn’t know what else to do and sorry it’s not polished or anything I ran out of time god you probably think-“

“Peter, stop,” Balthazar laughs, making Peter realise he was rambling, “I love it, it’s perfect.”

Peter breathes a sigh of relief, smiling across at his friend. 

“So, do you have any plans today? Aside from the party, obviously,” Peter asks as Balthazar carefully places the ukulele back in the box. 

“Nah,” he shrugs, “I was just going to relax, maybe call Ursula and Hero.”

“Take a break, you deserve it,” Peter nods, glad Balthazar would be using the time off. 

“You can join me if you like?” Peter’s chest constricts at the hopeful tone. 

“As much as I would like to, I’m on alcohol duty for your party,” Peter sighs, “I’ll be lugging stuff around all day and be forced to listen to Meg’s gossiping.”

“Good luck,” Balthazar laughs, and Peter swears he can see disappointment in his eyes. 

“I better get to it.” Peter stands. “I’ll see you later?”

“You better,” Balth nods, and Peter grins. 

As Peter heads back to his room to get ready for the day, he realises he’s torn. 

Everything between him and Balth has been so good lately, but with no rules today, this is his chance to try make a move _without_ getting punished this time.

But surely after everything that’s happened, there’s no way Balthazar still feels the same. Especially after his reaction last time. 

The memory of seeing him on the floor in tears still makes him feel sick.

Sighing, he pushes his thoughts to the side. He can think about it later, ideally after he’s had at least one drink. 

\---

It doesn’t take long for people to start arriving, and by the time it hits ten, the flat is pretty packed. 

Balthazar feels a bit out of place — even though it’s his birthday party — but everyone seems to be having fun and that’s what matters. 

“Balthazar!” 

Balthazar pauses as he walks past the kitchen, seeing Peter ushering him in. 

“Hey, Pete,” Balth smiles, taking a sip of his drink, following him into the kitchen. He raises his eyebrows slightly at the shots he’s set out on the counter with who he thinks is Costa. “You’re being careful, right?” He asks softly. 

“”Course,” Peter nods, his tone genuine, “don’t worry about me on your birthday, Balth.”

Part of Balth wants to argue, or to take one of the two drinks Peter’s holding away, but the other part of him that just wants to be carefree for a change overpowers it, and soon he finds himself taking shots himself. 

\---

“Why don’t you go dance with Balthazar, instead of sitting here moping about it?”

Peter looks away from Balth as John sits down beside him, and he raises his eyebrows slightly. 

“I’m not moping.”

“Yes you are,” John scoffs, “go up and talk to him.”

Peter opens his mouth to argue, but changes his mind as he catches sight of Balthazar again. He’s laughing, eyes bright and Peter can’t ignore how utterly _perfect_ he looks. 

“Yeah, ok,” he sighs, standing up and weaving through people to get to him. 

“You having fun?” Balthazar asks, and Peter nods. He’s glad he hasn’t drunk much more since he last saw him. After what happened last time they went out, he doesn’t want to give Balth the wrong idea. 

“Yeah, it’s nice having everyone together,” Peter nods, taking a sip of beer. He doesn’t miss the glint of concern flash across Balth’s face. 

“I just wish it was a little more low key, you know?” Balth says, and Peter realises this isn’t really Balth’s scene. Crowded spaces paired with a lot of people he doesn’t know _and_ a lot of alcohol? He guesses Rosa just assumed he’s grown up now, and that’s what he would want just because it’s what every other nineteen year old would want. 

“Want to head outside for a bit?” Peter asks, looking at him carefully. 

“Nah, don’t want to skip out on my own party,” Balth shrugs. 

“At least have a hug?” Peter raises his eyebrows, opening his arms. 

Balth quickly accepts, and Peter prays he doesn’t notice the shiver that runs through him as Balthazar buries his face into Peter’s neck. 

“I think I might go talk to Meg,” Balthazar says shortly after, and Peter watches him leave wistfully. 

Throughout the night, Peter doesn’t miss the way Vegan Fred looks at Balth, and each longing gaze drives Peter mad. 

Yet, he knows he has no right to be. He’s not with Balth, and god knows he can understand why Fred is looking at him like he built the world because that’s how _Peter_ sees him. 

“Jealousy is not a good look on you, my friend.”

“Shut up, Ben,” Peter snaps, whipping around to face him. 

“You could just go talk to him, you know,” Ben suggests, a grin on his face that tells Peter he thinks he’s hot shit. 

“You know what Ben? I don’t think I’ll be taking any advice from you,” Peter snaps, “if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be needing it in the first place.”

Ben takes half a step back, a hurt expression on his face, but Peter ignores him and heads to the kitchen. He needs another drink. 

\---

Balthazar sighs as everyone starts to dance, he knew it would happen eventually. 

Not being one for dancing, he hangs around the outskirts, swaying awkwardly until he notices John in the corner, reading a book of all things. 

“I have a feeling that if you had planned your own birthday party, we’d both be having a lot more fun right now,” John says with a smile, eyeing the makeshift dance floor. 

“Yeah,” Balthazar laughs, tugging his sleeves over his palm. 

“You know, Peter’s been watching you all night,” John says, and Balthazar frowns. All he’s seen of Peter is him dancing, always holding at least one drink and definitely more than just tipsy. 

He’s more than worried this will set him back, turn him back into who he was from before the rules, than he is about anything else.

“He’s probably just making sure I’m still here,” Balthazar shrugs, coming to a conclusion. 

John scoffs. “Trust me, I know my brother and it’s much more than that.”

Balthazar sighs, leaning back. “It’s not like there’s much that can be done, anyway.”

John eyes Balthazar carefully, and he can tell he’s thinking about something. 

“Balthazar, you have two options here,” John starts carefully, “you do something about what ever this-“ he motions at Peter, “is or you move on. This isn’t healthy.”

“You’re right,” Balthazar frowns, rubbing his eye. 

“So are you going for the former or the latter?”

Looking across at Peter, drunk and attempting to dance, Balth makes his decision. 

“The latter.” 

And that’s how Balthazar finds himself at someone else’s house, kissing someone he barely knows as a sickening feeling grows in his stomach. 

It’s not until Zeb slips his hand under the hem of his shirt that he snaps, stepping back with trembling arms and a constricted chest. 

“Sorry, I don't- I can't do this,” Balthazar says, his voice weak as he collapses against the wall, legs trembling. 

“Hey, just breathe for me,” Zeb says, concern suddenly evident as he manoeuvres Balthazar to the floor. 

They don’t speak, simply sitting in silence as Balthazar slowly recovers his breathing and his mind. He can’t help but think that if Peter were here, he would know what to do. He’d know how to make him feel better. He’d know.

But he’s not, and Balthazar knows he has to learn to live without him. 

“It’s Peter, isn’t it?” Zeb asks eventually, and Balthazar nods carefully. “It’s late, do you want the couch?”

“That’d be nice,” Balthazar sighs with a small smile, scrubbing at his eyes, wishing the feeling eating him up inside would go away, wishing that for once, everything would work out. 

\---

Peter doesn’t miss the way Zeb looks at Balthazar, or the way Balthazar looks back at him. 

He also doesn’t miss how they leave together, long before the party is supposed to end. 

This isn’t how today was supposed to go, this isn’t what Peter wanted to happen. Why is it that Peter can never fucking get it right, why is Balthazar always just out of reach?

“Get out of my way,” Peter snaps at Ben, trying to grab another bottle of beer. 

“Pete, I think you’ve had enough for-“

“You’re not my mother, Benedick,” Peter says more forcefully this time, pushing his flatmate aside and into the counter. If he hurt him, he doesn’t notice. He’s not even sure if he cares. 

“Peter, stop this!” Rosa says, snatching the beer from his hand after seeing the confrontation. 

“Hey, give that back!” 

“You’ve had more than enough to drink for one night-“

“Well I can still fucking remember why I’m drinking so clearly I haven’t!”

“Peter, just listen to Rosa-“

“Why the hell would I take orders from you Ben? Give me one good reason!” 

“Because I’m your friend, and I care about you,” Ben says carefully, and Peter can feel anger coursing through him. 

“Well you’ve done a fucking fantastic job of showing it!”

Peter can see Ben flinch at his words, but Peter doesn’t care. He’s angry, he’s drunk and he doesn’t care about anything except Balthazar. 

Balthazar. The one person who he’d do anything for and the one person who Peter keeps screwing over. It’s not fucking fair. 

“Peter, just drop it, what would Balthazar say if he saw this? At his own party?” Rosa’s words are calm, but exactly what Peter needs to hear. 

With a frustrated grunt, he pushes himself away from Ben, snatches the beer off Rosa and walks back into the party. 

\---

_November 8_

The next morning, Balthazar still feels _wrong_ as he opens the front door to the flat. 

It’s the only word that can describe it, the ghost of Zeb’s lips on his, the tightness in his chest at the memory, the heaviness in his gut as he awaits the reactions of his flatmates. 

“How was Zeb’s?”

“Uh, good?” Balthazar lies, instantly retreating to the kitchen. He doesn’t have the energy for this right now. 

Realising he most likely doesn’t have a choice, he steels himself for a moment, hands resting on the counter. 

At least Peter doesn’t seem to be awake yet. 

Grabbing an apple, Balthazar attempts to shove his uneasiness to the side and walks into the living area. 

“Do you think Peter had a nice time?” Ben asks him, and Balthazar hides his frown. 

“Yeah, he seemed pretty happy,” he shrugs, and it wasn’t a lie. From what Balthazar had seen, he was more than content drinking himself away. 

“Oh, how was the couch by the way?” Ben asks John as he sits himself at the dining table. 

“Yeah, why did you need the couch?” Balthazar asks, scared to hear the answer. 

“I thought Peter needed the room for himself,” John says vaguely, but Balthazar knows what he’s inferring. 

He knows it’s ridiculous, to be upset. I mean Balthazar went home with someone else with the intent to do the same thing, and he and Peter certainly aren’t a thing. They had both made that very clear. 

“Oh. Right.”

John seems to pick up on his mood, and is quick to elaborate. 

“He was drunk, throwing up and all that.”

Balthazar isn’t sure if it’s better or worse. 

“Fuck,” Balthazar whispers, quick to stand up. He should check on him, see if he’s alright. God knows no one else in the flat would. 

“It’s fine! He’s asleep, he’s fine!” Ben insists. 

“Well clearly he’s not!” Balthazar responds. Even if he’s not hungover, not still sobering up, the fact he got that drunk in the first place is a sign that something’s wrong. A sign that Balthazar’s been struggling to deal with all year. 

“Rosa looked after him! Water! Bowl! Drugs! The whole shebang, he’s fine!” 

Balthazar doesn’t believe him, and still wants to check up on Peter, but he’s hyperaware of the camera filming and knows what it’ll look like if he goes into that room.

“Fuck,” he mutters in defeat, trudging back to the sofa. 

“Balth, this wasn’t your fault! You don’t need to look after him, he’s an adult,” Ben insists, and Balthazar simply shakes his head, closing his eyes in frustration. 

“Clearly not a very responsible one!”

“Balthazar, repeat after me. I, Stanley Balthazar Jones am not responsible for the actions of Peter Adrian Donaldson!”

“No, no I’m not-“

“Balth. Repeat after me!” 

“I’m not going to repeat after you! If I hadn’t left-“ Balthazar starts, guilt growing by the second. 

“No!” Ben starts, but Balthazar doesn’t let him interrupt him this time. 

“I know how it would’ve made him feel!” Because it’s exactly how Balthazar felt every time Peter brought home a new fling in their first six months in Wellington. 

“I’m not going to sit here, listening to your negativity,” Ben says, his tone harsh and final. 

“I need to make sure he’s ok!” Balthazar insists, guilt slowly morphing into something else as he begins to ramble. 

“Am I hearing positivity?”

“I made the wrong decision, it doesn’t matter what else happened-“

“Am I hearing that you’re not blaming yourself for this!”

Balthazar has never felt more relieved than when Ben’s phone starts to ring. 

Keeping his eyes on the floor, he tries his hardest to stop them watering, tries his hardest to slow his breathing, slow his racing mind. 

As John comes up behind him, he sighs shakily in defeat. 

“I should’ve been there.” 

“There’s nothing you can do now,” John points out, and Balthazar stays silent. “I mean there isn’t a should, or a shouldn’t. There just _is_. This _happened_.”

“I still wish I could’ve stopped it,” Balthazar says softly, “I just hate not being there for him, especially after everything.”

“From what Peter’s told me, you have been there for him, just as much as he’s been there for you,” John says carefully. 

“Not where it matters, evidently.”

John sighs, looking across at him. “Rosa looked after him. You’re not Peter’s only friend.”

“Yeah, I know,” Balthazar mumbles, avoiding looking at John. 

“It’s not your responsibility, or my responsibility, or any one person’s, to look after him,” John reminds him. 

“But if we don’t, who will?” Balthazar questions. 

“Rosa did,” John reminds him. 

“She only did because she knows that I would’ve,” Balthazar insists, turning to face John for the first time. 

“And?”

“I should’ve done it,” Balthazar shrugs. 

“Ok, sure.” 

“Why didn’t I pay attention to him? It was one night without the rules,” Balthazar says, talking to himself more than John. He had known Peter was drunk, he had know and he had left anyway. 

“You can’t keep tabs on everyone.” 

“I can keep tabs on him.” Balthazar looks at John, knowing he understands what he means, what he’s saying. 

Balthazar listens as John continues, carefully telling him how seeing Peter so much will just make him unhappy. He restrains from saying that not seeing him might make him even unhappier. 

“I mean, you could just leave,” John suggests, and Balthazar whips around. 

“What?”

“Well, you’re not related to him. I’m his brother, so I want him to be ok,” John says. 

“Me too,” Balthazar nods. 

“Yes, but what’s keeping you here?” 

Neither of them have to say anything to know what his answer is. 

_Love_.

\---

_November 9_

Peter stares at his assignment, trying to be productive but all he can think about is how he fucked up. 

It took _one_ day without the rules for him to go back to his old habits, getting drunk to the point of throwing up and making everyone else miserable. 

He had spent so long wishing the rules would go away, but maybe Freddie’s right. Maybe they do need to stay. 

“I talked to Balthazar yesterday.”

Peter looks up from his textbook as his brother speaks from the mattress on the other side of the room. 

“About?”

“You, mainly. And how it’s probably best he moves out.”

Peter frowns. Peter knows Balthazar went home with Zeb, which hurt enough as it is, but was it serious enough for Balthazar to want to leave the rules?

“Why did you say that?” Peter questions, sitting up straight.

“Because both of you are unhappy like this, spending so much time together and not getting to do anymore because of Freddie’s stupid rules,” John says, pushing hair from his face.

“John, we’ve already talked about moving out together,” Peter says, unsure at what John is trying to say. Did John and Balthazar agree that he shouldn’t see Peter anymore? At all? Because Peter knows if he had to go as much as two days without seeing Balthazar he wouldn’t cope. 

“Really?” John frowns, “he didn’t mention it.”

“Maybe he’s changing his mind,” Peter sighs, uncertain. He falls backwards on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. “How did this get so messy?”

“I’d say it’s probably because you spend about six months straight hooking up with strangers and getting drunk every night,” John deadpans, and Peter flips him off, a small smile on his face. 

“I hate you.”

“Nah, I know you love me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

\---

“It’s going to be so weird without you guys around all the time,” Balthazar smiles, helping Meg, Bea and Kit to take down the tent. 

Vegan Fred has offered to let them stay in his house, and of course they accepted. 

“I think space from the others will be good though,” Meg shrugs, “everything’s been so crazy lately.”

“You can say that again,” Bea sighs, gathering up the tent pegs from the ground. 

“You’re totally welcome to come visit whenever though, I’m sure Fred would love to see you,” Kit says to Balth, a suggestive smile on his face. 

Balth knows Fred likes him in a romantic sense, he wasn’t exactly subtle about it at his party. And he’s a great guy, but after what happened with Zeb… Balthazar doesn’t think now’s the best time to get in a relationship. 

_A relationship that’s not with Peter._

“I’ll be sure to take you up on that offer,” Balthazar smiles in response, careful to avoid the topic of Fred. 

“You better,” Meg grins. 

\---

_November 12_

“I’ll miss you,” Peter sighs, standing at the airport entrance with John. 

“It’s only a month and a half until Christmas,” John reminds him as Peter hands over his backpack. “And Ann would literally decapitate you if you don’t come home for Christmas.”

“I know,” Peter grins, pulling his brother in for a hug. “All the same, I’ll miss not having you around.”

“I’ll call you when I land,” John says, and Peter notices the time, he has to get going. 

“And I’ll answer,” Peter nods. 

And with one last wave, his brother heads into the airpot. 

Peter sighs, turning back around to where Bea waits in the car. Thankfully, she had offered them a lift so they wouldn’t have to pay for a taxi. 

“Just so you know, I did this for John. Not for you.”

“I know,” Peter says dejectedly, climbing in the front seat. 

After what he said to Ben, all incredibly rude albeit being true, Bea has every right to be mad at him. 

“But also, just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I disagree with you.”

Peter frowns, looking over at her. “But-“

“Yes, I agree that the way you said it was completely out of line, but you had some good points,” Bea sighs, clutching the streering, “you and your flat has so many issues, you all really need to talk it out.”

“Yeah,” Peter huffs, “I know.”

“And for what it’s worth, I really hope you and Balthazar work out.”

Peter laughs, glancing across at her. “You’re doing a terrible job of being angry at me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Bea grins, turning the ignition, “shocking, isn’t it?”

_November 13_

“Hey Peter?”

Peter hums in response, looking up at Balthazar as he walks out from his bedroom. 

Peter’s laying down on the couch, reading over Faustus in preparation for the dress rehearsal. 

“Can you do me a favour and not watch Ben’s video today?”

Peter frowns, he can tell how anxious Balth is over this video. The way his jaw is clenched and the way his hands are hidden in his jumper is more than enough to show how he’s feeling. 

“Yeah, ‘course,” Peter says, sitting up. “Want to go for a walk or something?” He hopes that the walk will help him feel better, and help him take his mind off whatever’s worrying him. 

And when he get’s back, Peter’s going to make sure Ben knows exactly how he feels about him posting more things Balthazar is unhappy with. This flat is feeling more and more like some messed up soap opera by the day, with Ben being the show runner and Freddie the director. 

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Balth nods, a small smile growing. “I’ll just get my coat.”

\---

_November 14_

Balthazar sighs as his phone goes off, pulling himself out of his desk chair to answer it. 

**Kit:** Hey Balth! I just wrote a song, and was wondering if you could figure out the guitar for me?  
 **Kit:** And I'd love to put it on the channel if that’s ok!

 **Balthazar:** course man, want to come over? i’m free all arvo

 **Kit:** I’ll be there in ten!

Balth smiles, even though he’s glad Kit has a proper roof over his head, he has to admit he misses his calming presence throughout the flat. 

“These lyrics are so good,” Balth grins, impressed as he looks over the paper he’s written them on, “do you want a more upbeat or melancholy tune?”

“Definitely slower and more sad,” Kit nods. 

“Minor key then," Balth mutters, tapping his fingers on his guitar as he thinks through a tune in his mind. 

He carefully picks at the strings, playing a harsh tune before descending into a progression of chords. 

“That’s amazing," Kit laughs, looking impressed. Balth smiles slightly, looking down as he deflects the compliment. 

“It’s nothing."

“No, man, it's perfect!" 

“Want to record it then?" Kit suggests, and Balth nods. 

“Just give me a sec to sort out the end.”

\---

_November 15_

“You didn’t tell me you recorded another song,” Peter frowns, looking across at Balthazar as the notification comes up. 

They’re studying together again, books and laptops spread across the bed as a soft breeze blows in through the open window. 

“Oh, that’s Kit's song," Balthazar explains, making Peter slightly less hurt he wasn’t told about it sooner. “All I did was the guitar.”

Peter presses play anyway, and instantly he’s hit with Balthazar, guitar in lap and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. 

_God his forearms are pretty._

“You ok there?"

Peter flinches back, realising he had been staring at video-Balthazar. 

“Uh, yeah. I just don't think I’ve seen you with your sleeves rolled up like that.” Peter stumbles over his words, trying to sound dismissive as he waves a hand at the screen.

“Oh, yeah the start was too fiddly to play with my shirt getting in the way, and didn’t want to waste time changing,” Balthazar shrugs, thankfully seeming oblivious. 

Peter nods, turning his attention back to the video to avoid more conversation. 

He’s incredibly glad he didn’t change shirts. 

“You ready for exams?" Balthazar asks, clearly no longer in the mood for studying. 

“Not really," Peter laughs, looking at his schedule. He had nearly failed most of his exams last semester, so there’s a lot riding on them this time. 

“Hey, you’ll do great," Balthazar says, shifting towards him, “look at all your notes, and you’ve done so much study.”

“I’m just scared I'll screw up,” Peter shrugs, “I always do.”

Balthazar stays silent for a moment, clearly thinking of what to say. 

It doesn’t matter what he says. Peter knows he’s a screw up, ever since Hero’s party all he’s done is screw up, no matter how hard he tries. 

“Maybe you have screwed up in the past, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to. Your past doesn’t define your future, Pete.”

Peter smiles softly, a huff of laughter escaping. 

“How is it that you always know exactly what to say me?”

“Because I’ve known you for years, Peter,” Balthazar smiles, nudging Peter gently. “Now let’s get back to study, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

_November 17_

“Ben, you should be studying not editing those bath videos,” Balth sighs as he walks past, holding a cup of tea as he retreats to his room. 

“But it’s more fun! You should join me!” Ben calls over his shoulder. 

“I’ll think about it," Balth laughs, and Peter smiles at him as he sends a small wave his way. 

“Why don’t you join me, Pete?” Ben asks, and Peter raises his eyebrows. 

“Unlike you, I'm actually studying?” Peter reminds him, raising his eyebrows. 

Almost as soon as the words leave his mouth, his phone goes off with a text from Balthazar. 

**Balthazar:** at least edit for him for like 10 minutes, then he might actually get some study done

 **Peter:** good point

“You know what, yeah. May as well,” Peter shrugs, pushing away his textbook to sit beside Ben. “I’ll edit it for you.”

Peter gets carried away, lost in the memories of earlier this year. He remember how much fun he had then, how close he had felt with Balthazar. 

And then he thinks back to two days ago, studying with Balthazar and having conversations ranging from the serious to the silly. 

He’s back where they were, not just in his memories but in the present. And he couldn’t be happier. 

But he knows he can't just give up here, settle for what he has. Not when they’ve come so far. He has to do something big, something to show Balth he still cares and _pray_ that he feels the same. 

It’s time to finish the sonnet. 

_November 20_

“We’re ready to film the next challenge,” Balthazar says, sticking his head into Peter’s room. 

“Isn’t it a bit late?"

“Apparently it's 'never too late for a flat challenge’,” Balthazar grins, his hands hidden in his sweater sleeves as he leans against the doorframe. 

“We better get started then,” Peter smiles, standing up and meeting the others in the living room. 

-

Barely twenty minutes later, Peter’s walking beside Beatrice through the dark park. They’re supposed to be playing sardines, but Peter has higher priorities. 

“Listen, can I run something past you?”

“Depends what that something is,” Beatrice frowns, looking across at him. 

“I’m going to ask Balthazar out, and I have a plan on how to do it,” Peter blurts out, motioning with his hands anxiously. 

“Really! That's great, Peter!” Beatrice grins, swinging her arms. “What’s the plan?”

“It’s embarrassing," Peter says meekly. Part of him is scared she’ll just laugh, tell him it’s stupid. 

“C’mon! Tell me!" Beatrice begs, and Peter’s not surprised at how fast he caves. 

“Well- I- I just don't want it to be song lyrics, you know? It needs to be something special!”

“Peter tell me, and if it’s bad, I’ll tell you,” Beatrice says evenly, and Peter realises how well she can read him. It’s almost concerning. 

“Ok, but I warn you it's sentimental as fuck,” Peter sighs, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. 

Peter only gets out one word before someone jumps out of the dark, someone he quickly recognises as Freddie. 

_Shit_.

“Ha! You’re in love with Stanley! I knew it!”

“I thought there was a rule about not spying in people,” Peter snaps, approaching her carefully. 

“Nope! Only not falling in love with people.”

Peter hates her tone, like she’s teasing him for loving someone, like she gets enjoyment out of his suffering. 

“Uh, I- I wasn't going to do anything about it,” Peter splutters, waving a hand dismissively. 

“Wait until Ben finds our you’re trying to kiss Stanley Balthazar Jones again!” 

Peter hadn’t even considered Ben yet. If his punishment is anything like last time… He’s not letting Balthazar take the fall too. 

“I didn’t actually say anything about Balthazar, and I think we all know how much I royally fucked that one up!”

“Ben is totally going to kick your ass when he finds out about this!”

Just when Peter thought things couldn’t get any worse, someone else jumps out of a tree. 

“I don’t think Peter is the only lovebird, Freddie!” Ben snaps, and Peter looks at Freddie in disbelief. 

Is he understanding correctly? Is Freddie seriously dating someone? The same Freddie that let _him_ get punished for what was barely a kiss?

“Pedro! Save the camera!"

Ben doesn’t have to ask twice, on that camera is footage incriminating Freddie. 

“Have fun in your cold little world where you don’t even admit that you like your own girlfriend!”

“I fucking love Beatrice! You’re just mad that I didn’t break any of your precious rules!”

“You wrote half of them!"

“I thought it would make Peter happy!”

“Well it didn't," Freddie snaps, and Peter isn’t sure he agrees with her. 

The rules changed his entire lifestyle. And after the one night where the rules were gone, he’s certain the rules are all that’s stopping him from returning to it. 

“So what you're saying is, that I’ve won!” Of course Ben can turn it into a _fucking competition_. 

Even though Ben's being a pain in the ass, Peter can’t help but smile — just a little — at his victory dance. 

Ok, maybe smile a lot. Especially when Beatrice kisses him. 

Maybe things would work out after all, rules or no rules, he has his friends support. 

\---

When Balthazar reaches the flat, he’s freezing. He hadn’t worn enough layers, and he’s looking forward to watching a movie under a warm blanket. 

He knows somethings wrong however, when he sees the front door is ajar. And more importantly, when he sees his flatmates expressions. They all look broken, shattered even. 

“Balth, you're going to have to punish us. I’m sorry, we broke a bunch of flat rules. But that’s ok, the rules are continuing, because it’s fine. It’s fine, alright? That’s just how it’s going.”

Judging by Ben's rant, Balth can tell somethings gone wrong. Something that would most likely be solved by them just getting rid of these stupid rules. 

Balth is over it. He's not going to punish anyone, no matter how cruel they were to him. 

“Why?”

“Because that's how it works!” Ben all but yells at him, and Balth flinches back. 

“Is it working though?" Kit questions, his calm nature a stark contrast to the tense atmosphere. “Why don’t you just scrap the rules!”

“Kit, this doesn't really concern you!” Freddie says coldly, almost like she has no care for the person in front of her at all. 

Balth frowns. Maybe he had been wrong about Fred and Kit dating. 

“I’m sorry?" 

Hearing Kit's hurt tone, Balth reconsiders. Maybe he had been right. 

“The rules have been making us unhappy,” Peter chimes in, and Balthazar looks at him hopefully. 

Maybe now is the chance they have to escape these rules together. 

Balth stays silent as the situation escalates, as words are shouted across the room. 

He can’t handle this, not anymore. 

“So the rules are staying?” he asks softly, looking across at his flatmates. 

“The rules stay in place,” Ben says, his tone final. 

Balth looks around the flat, and he’s surprised the situation hasn’t made him feel anxious. 

All he feels is empty, lost and alone. 

“Right,” he sighs, turning towards the door. He can’t stay here. “I just need some space.”

“Where are you going?"

“I don’t know," Balth shrugs, “I’ll stay at a friends or something.”

“Balth you can't, the rules,” Freddie says, clearly thinking it’ll make him stay. 

“Well, then I'll leave the flat.”

The three of them all burst out at that, but the only one he hears is Peter. 

“Balthazar, please don't go.”

His heart clenches, hearing his sincere tone, seeing his broken expression. 

But this time, not even Peter is enough to make him stay. But that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t want Peter by his side.

“Come with me."

He’s hopeful. More than hopeful, he’s certain Peter will say yes. All that time spent together, that time spent talking about moving out, the time spent that was surely leading to more than just friends. 

But when Balthazar hears a stuttered “I can’t,” his heart shatters. 

Maybe it had all meant nothing after all. 

\---

Peter stares at the empty doorway. He doesn’t think he can move. Doesn’t think he can tear his eyes away from the place he just saw Balthazar leave. 

But he knows he can't leave the rules, not now. Without them, he’s not someone who deserves Balthazar, not someone he’s proud of. 

So that’s the only option he has. 

He manages to turn away from the doorway as he gets a text, his phone vibrating in his back pocket. 

**Balthazar:** im going to vegan freds. please dont follow. 

There’s nothing to stop the tears as he reads that message, nothing to hold back the flood of emotions. 

Throwing the phone on the couch, he makes a dash for his room, slamming the door behind him. 

Peter leans his back against the door, sobbing as he finally lets the tears fall. 

He cries for the first time this year, and he cries for Balthazar. 

Sliding down the door, he rests his head in his hands with the taste of salt in his mouth. 

It’s in this moment he realises he’s not just pining after Balthazar, he loves him. 

He loves him, but he's gone. 

And part of Peter thinks he’s never going to come back. 

\---

_November 21_

Balthazar sits on a bed that isn’t his own. Wearing clothes that aren’t his own. Staring a wall that isn’t his own. 

He wishes he had a guitar with him, anything to help figure out what he’s feeling. 

But he doesn't, so he settles for staring at a blank wall. He doesn’t even have a session with the counsellor for almost two weeks. 

Had he made the right choice? Leaving like that? Sure the rules are ridiculous, but Peter had looked crushed as he left. 

And leaving Peter had crushed Balthazar too. 

He glances across at his phone, long since run out of battery. 

Sighing, he pulls himself up and grabs the jacket he was wearing last night. It’s cold outside, he really needs a coat, but this will have to do. 

Rubbing at his tired eyes, Balthazar sneaks past the busy kitchen and begins his walk to uni. 

He needs to talk to Jennifer. 

\---

Ben hadn’t questioned it when Peter asked for the hard-drive with the bath footage on it. 

He also hadn't questioned his red eyes, or the fact he’s still in the same clothes as yesterday. 

It’s nearly midday, and Peter is at a loss. He tried calling Balthazar, but it went straight to voicemail. Peter doesn’t blame him. 

So he settles for posting a video, a video of a moment he remembers so vividly. 

The sight of him being so happy, riffing off each other easily, it hurts. 

Wiping away tears, Peter quickly trims the video and wastes no time uploading it, praying that Balthazar will see it, that he’ll see it and reconsider. 

\---

“Balthazar?"

“Sorry, I was going to call ahead, but my phone is dead and my charger’s at the flat and I can’t go back there and I just don’t know what’s going on anymore,” Balthazar chokes out, and Jennifer jumps out of her chair, quickly steering Balthazar to a chair as his eyes begin to water.

“Can you tell me what's happened?”

Balthazar shakes his head, certain that even if he tried he wouldn’t be able to get the words out. 

“Can you stay here for me?” Jennifer asks softly, handing him a bottle of water, “I’m just going to go check the channel, is that ok?”

Balthazar nods, gripping the bottle tightly, glad to have something to do with his hands. 

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hands, he keeps his eyes pointedly at the ground as he awaits her return. 

He can’t believe this is what his life has come to. After everything that’s happened, he’s finally left the rules behind. But he doesn’t feel relieved, he just feels lost and alone. 

He just misses Peter, and he hates himself for it. Clearly, he doesn’t mean as much to Peter as Peter does to him, otherwise he wouldn’t have picked the rules. Even after everything they’ve been through. 

He was kidding himself thinking they had a chance. 

\---

_November 22_

“Peter, this is stupid," Jaquie says as Peter hands her the camera, “covering yourself in goo isn’t going to change anything.”

“Well there's nothing much else for me to do, is there?” Peter snaps, glaring at her. 

What else is there to do but carry on, carry on with the rules, with the flat, with the channel. He doesn’t have a choice. He made his decision, and he has to stick by it. No matter how much it hurts. 

“Peter, I don't think you’ve actually broken any rules recently so…”

“Just thought about it," Peter shrugs, thinking about the sonnet sitting on his phone. The sonnet that no longer has a purpose. 

“Peter Adrien Donaldson, no punishment for you,” Ben declares, but Peter shakes his head. 

“No. I’ll take it. Feel like I deserve it.”

He knows he deserves it. Deserves the punishment and a million more. 

Because he’s lost the one thing worth fighting for. 

“Thanks for editing it for us,” Ben says to Jaquie as she leaves the flat. 

“And can you tell Costa I’m quitting the play?” Peter asks her. There’s no way he can face going back there. The only reason he joined in the first place was to impress Balthazar. 

Look how far that got him. 

She simply nods solemnly before waving half heartedly, walking down the steps. 

Peter hates how much it feels like the end. 

\---

_November 23_

“Balth, you can't just sit in here all day!”

“Meg, not right now, please,” Balthazar sighs, looking up from the notebook he borrowed from Fred. He’s attempting to study, which is proving difficult without his things. 

Jennifer told him he needs to go back to the flat, at least to get his things, at most to get closure. He’s been putting it off as long as possible. 

“C’mon babe! Let's go do something fun, you can’t just sit and mope all day!”

Balthazar looks up at Meg as she dances in the doorway. It would make sense that she’s the only happy one here. She’s the only one who hasn’t lost something. 

“Meg, I’m really not feeling up to it right now,” Balth states, pulling his sleeves over his hand. 

“Fine, sulk in peace then,” Meg smiles, but Balthazar can tell she’s upset. 

Balthazar looks down at his notebook. He certainly doesn’t feel at peace.

\---

_November 24_

“Paige posted a video for you,” Ben says as he walks past, not waiting for a response before shutting himself in his room. 

The three of them have barely talked lately, mainly because Peter’s been hiding away in the privacy of his room. He’s only on the couch at the moment because John told him to leave his room last night, and he hasn’t had the motivation to go back to his room since. 

Either way, he opens up his laptop and sees the song Paige has posted. 

Listening to the song, he can’t help but be thankful for a friend like Paige. A friend, who even though was always closer to Balthazar than to him, is still there to listen, and to put his feelings into words. 

He just wishes that the feelings didn’t have to hurt so much. 

-

For the first time since Balthazar left the flat, all three of the remaining flatmates are in the same room. Squished into the couch no less, with the camera filming in front of them. 

Peter isn’t exactly sure what Ben hopes to capture, all they’re doing is sulking in silence. 

As Peter’s phone begins to ring, hope instantly swells inside him as he frantically reaches for his phone. 

Only for his heart to drop as he realises it’s only Costa. It’s the dress rehearsal today. Clearly he hasn’t got the message about him quitting the play. 

He quickly puts the phone on silent, and places it back on the edge of the sofa. 

What feels like hours later, Ben turns to look at him. 

“You missed the Faustus lecture.”

Peter doesn't care about the stupid lectures. It doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter if he screws up exams because at least it would be on brand. He’s screwed up everything else in his life, what’s one more thing going to change?

“It was actually really good,” Freddie chimes in.

“Really,” Peter sighs, not even trying to sound interested. 

Peter begrudgingly sits through their reenactment, wishing he could be hearing about anything but this. 

He doesn’t get how they can be so happy. Both of them lost _actual_ relationships and seem to be doing fine. Peter can’t even handle loosing Balthazar, and they were never even together. 

As much as it hurts to admit. 

He does however have to admit, Ben reenacting his Marlowe speech brings a smile to his face. 

If anything can cheer him up, it’s Ben making a fool of himself. 

“Oh my god I'm going to fail the class,” Ben says carefully, sliding to the floor. Peter laughs at him, at his overreaction for the camera, at his dejected expression.

“That was such a Ben stunt to pull,” Peter grins, shaking his friend’s shoulder. He’s almost sad he missed it. 

He’s in the middle at laughing at Ben’s rant, when he hears the door open and then slam shut. Looking up, he frowns as he sees Costa in full costume, brandishing a sword. 

What the hell?

“Stop. Ruining. My play." Peter watches in disbelief as he tosses his coat to the side. “I’m talking to you Peter Donaldson.” 

“What are you doing here?” Peter demands. 

“ _You’re_ forty-seven minutes late!” Costa retorts, pointing at him with a sword. If it were anyone else, Peter might’ve felt threatened. 

“Costa, I’m not late. I quit, there’s a difference,” Peter snaps, already tired of the conversation. 

“We need to practise our choreography!” Costa cries, throwing Peter a sword. He only barely catches it, jumping back to stop it hitting the floor. 

“Costa, I can't!" 

“You can’t. Back out. Now!” 

How hard is it for Costa to understand that he can’t do the show anymore? He can’t even think about the scene’s he’s rehearsed with Balthazar without crying, and he can barely look at the cast without feeling guilty. 

“Watch me,” Peter threatens, but is surprised at Costa’s reaction. 

“You can’t!" 

Peter quickly brings an arm up, blocking as Costa thrusts his sword towards him. Peter barely manages to block it with his own. 

“You can’t make me do something I don’t want to do,” Peter sighs, praying Costa would see reason. “I don’t want to fight you, and I don’t want to upset you. You’re just going to have to leave me alone.”

The fight escalated, and Peter feels his frustration growing. His blocks become more erratic, more aggressive. 

“No fighting in the flat!” Freddie yells. 

“That’s not a flat rule!" Peter yells back, pointing the sword at her before swinging it towards Costa. 

Screw it. If Costa wants a fight? That’s what he’s getting. 

“Why won’t you come to rehearsals!” 

“I just can't!" Peter screams. 

“Why. Not!”

Then Peter has an idea. He remembers something, something from months ago but something he can still use to his advantage. 

“Because of Jaquie! Costa, I slept with her,” Peter says, resisting the urge to smile. He had him there. Costa would have to accept his resignation now, if he didn’t it would go against all of his stupid performance rules. 

“What? With your coactor?”

“Now you have to kick me out of the play!” Peter says, pointing his sword at Costa, smiling as he knows he’s seconds away from winning. 

When Costa still refuses to kick him out of the play, Peter lets out a low growl of frustration, charging at Costa with his sword. 

What shocks him is when Costa pulls Peter in for a hug, saying “I forgive you,” in the most genuine and sincere tone he thinks he’s ever heard from Costa. 

But then Costa looks away from him, clearly seeing something behind him. 

Wanting to see for himself, Peter quickly turns around. 

What he sees makes his heart stop.

Balthazar. 

“Balth-“ Peter pauses. What is he supposed to say? There’s no way he didn’t hear, no way he doesn’t know. “Jaquie and I, it was just a fling.” 

“She seemed nice," Balthazar shrugs. “Ignore me though, I’m just grabbing some things.”

Peter hates how unbothered he sounds, but what he hates more is the broken look hidden in his eyes. The look you’d only notice if you’ve known him for as long, and as well, as Peter does. 

But what good is it now? 

Peter knows he's screwed up with Balthazar for the last time. There’s no way he even has a chance to be his friend anymore. 

“Is this what this is about?” Costa says carefully. “Chin up Peter! Just because you broke up with your boyfriend-“ Did Costa seriously think Balthazar was his boyfriend? Did he talk about him that much at rehearsals? “-does not mean you have to break up the play!” 

\---

As Balthazar stands in the doorway of the flat, he isn’t sure how he feels. 

He’s not surprised, he could always see how close they were.

But it definitely hurts. 

All this time, all the things Peter did that made Balthazar think he might just _possibly_ feel the same all meant nothing. He was just another fling. 

Standing in his room, his chest seems to constrict as countless memories flood his mind. 

All the nights spent studying, all the mornings spent messing around, laughing. All the times Balthazar sang to him, and all the times Peter looked at him like his music could cure anything. 

Balthazar half heartedly throws some clothes into a backpack, and places his favourite guitar into it’s case. 

Taking one last look around the room, he grabs his headphones before his eyes land on the sky blue ukulele, the one Peter made for him. 

Hesitantly, he picks it up, spinning the instrument in his hands. 

He doesn’t need Peter. And Peter clearly doesn’t need him. 

He puts the ukulele back down and picks up his backpack. He can just come get the rest of his things once everyone has gone home for Christmas. 

For now, it's time to start over. This time, without Peter Donaldson on his mind. 

_November 28_

“Hey, you ok?" 

Balthazar looks up as Beatrice walks into the room. 

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“I’ve had plenty of people ask me that already,” Bea scoffs, sitting beside him on the bed, “I’m here to talk about you.”

“I’m fine,” Balthazar shrugs. 

“Balthazar, I'm not stupid. I might not be able to read you as well as Peter, but I know when somethings wrong.”

Balthazar huffs. Of course somethings wrong. How could there not be something wrong?

“I was wrong about Peter. I was wrong every time I thought that just maybe something was going to happen,” Balthazar frowns, leaning back. “I was nothing to him.”

“There’s no way that's true,” Beatrice says, “Peter adores you.”

Balthazar shakes his head, closing his eyes as he leans against the wall. “He slept with Jaquie-“

“He slept with a ton of people, you know they meant nothing to him-“

“He slept with her after Faustus started,” Balthazar corrects. “That entire time I thought he might’ve been trying to fix things, all he wanted was someone else to screw around with.”

“Trust me Balth, you'll always be more than that to him,” Beatrice says carefully as she stands up. “I’ve known Pedro since I was a kid, and I’ve never seen him care about anyone else the way he does about you.”

Balthazar stays silent, and Bea takes it as her cue to leave. 

Maybe Peter did care about him, but clearly not enough. 

If he did, he would've left with him. He would be sitting here beside him. 

But he’s not. 

It’s time to move on.


	7. december

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, and a look into Peter and Balth's lives, years after the events of Lovely Little Losers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i am so so so sorry this took me so long, but here is the final chapter! (it's really long so like, it may take abt half an hour to read?) I really enjoyed writing this, and I'm glad it's finally come to its conclusion. if anyone's interested, I might write like some oneshots set in their future life of sorts that's at the end of the chapter 'cause they're soft and deserve happiness
> 
> anyway, yes! i hope you enjoy the final chapter of the course of true love never did run smooth :D

_December 1_

Seeing Meg’s new video is like a punch to the gut. 

Seeing them all so happy, laughing, and having fun hurts far more than Peter would like to admit. 

But more importantly, seeing Balth so happy with Fred feels like rubbing salt in the wound, like Balth is doing it because he _knows_ Peter’s watching. Because he _knows_ how much it’ll hurt. 

Just as Peter reaches the end of the video, Freddie barges in. He wishes he could say he closed the tab fast enough. 

“You know, I don't think stalking him is going to help you deal with it all.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Peter snaps, closing his laptop lid. “What did you want?”

“Dinner’s ready, if you want to join us.”

It’s Tuesday. Balthazar usually cooks on Tuesdays. 

“I’m not hungry."

Freddie simply sighs, leaving the room and closing the door behind her. 

Part of Peter wonders if Balthazar is smiling somewhere, remembering the days they cooked together, laughing in the kitchen. 

But the rest of Peter knows he won’t be. Balth has made it clear he doesn’t need the flat — doesn’t need Peter — to be happy anymore. 

_December 2_

As bitter as it makes Peter feel, he knows he can’t skip out on flat challenges. 

He gave up _Balthazar_ for these rules. He’s not abandoning them now. 

And that’s exactly why he invites over Jaquie and Costa. He hopes, that with their contrasting personalities, it might make it a little more bearable. 

And make the fact Balthazar is missing less noticeable. 

Peter can feel the ghost of Balthazar’s thigh pressed against his own, his back against his shoulder. Feel the way they used to sit together, squashed in front of the camera. 

He doesn’t think it's possible to _not_ miss Balthazar. 

-

Peter knows he's overcompensating. But he doesn’t think he can handle sitting around in silence anymore. He needs a distraction, a chance to be someone other than himself. 

So, he becomes Petrov. A Russian who is probably incredibly happy with a musical boyfriend back in his home country. 

That is, until Ben reminds him that Petrov is nothing but a fantasy. 

“Vegan Fred has stolen our peeps.”

“Why does he have my name…”

“I just can't believe they chose him over us,” Ben continues. Peter can believe it. After everything he’s done, why wouldn’t Balthazar choose Fred over him?

“God I hate him," Peter murmurs, his tone serious. And he means it. As much as he knows Fred is reasonable, it just feels easier to hate him, blame _him_ for everything that’s happened. 

Half an hour later, Jaquie breaks the silence. 

“You’ll all die."

Peter frowns. "That's true… I guess what you’re saying is, life is too short.”

As he says the words, he feels something stir in his mind, something click into place. He just wishes he could figure out what. 

“I’m going to go get a drink.”

Peter quickly dashes to the kitchen, aware of Freddie following him. 

“Is everything ok, Peter?”

Peter nods, sighing. His hands are braced on the counter, and he’s looking out the window. 

“It just feels wrong, doing this without Balth.” Then he adds, “doing _anything_ without Balth.”

“I know how you feel-"

“No Freddie, no you don't,” Peter scoffs, whipping around to face her. He isn’t sure where his anger is coming from, but he doesn’t take the time to care. “You’ve known Kit for two months. I’ve known Balthazar for _six years_."

“Yeah, you’re right. I'm sorry.”

Peter sighs, closing his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so angry.”

“We’re all on edge, it's understandable.”

“I just really miss him." Peter looks down, tugging at his fingers. 

“Let’s get back to the challenge, yeah?”

Peter nods, watching Fred walk back into the living room. He’ll join her in a minute. 

As he walks into the room to the sound of fighting, everything truly falls into place. 

Everything seems pointless, stupid. Everything except Balthazar. 

“What… are we doing?" he asks carefully, looking off into the distance. “Jaquie’s right, we all die. And we’re making ourselves unhappy!”

“Yeah, but there are reasons!” Fred counteracts, and maybe an hour ago, Peter would’ve agreed. 

But it’s not the rules that have made Peter better, he sees that now. It’s _Balthazar_ that made him better. He doesn’t need the rules anymore, but he does need Balthazar. In more ways than he could ever describe. 

“The rules were good, but now they’re not.”

“Yep, that’s pretty much the situation,” Freddie sighs. 

Peter smiles, a bolt of courage coursing through him. “And we’re in love with these people, yeah? So what are we going to do about it!?”

“Sorry,” Costa interrupts, but Peter’s too high on hope to care, “why did Balthazar need the rules?”

“He was working himself far too hard,” Peter explains, careful to avoid the finer details on camera. He knows Balthazar doesn’t want any more of his problems online for the world to see. “The rules, backfired on us. Balthazar now has no distractions and he’s going to overwork himself and freak out like he did at the start of the year. We cannot sit by and just watch him do that!”

Peter doesn't say it, but he also knows he can’t sit by knowing Balthazar is working through his anxiety on his own. As much as Balth belittled it, he knows he’ll need all the support he can get. And Peter’s not going to give up until he’s there to give it to him. 

“Fuck the rules," Peter snaps, in his normal accent. 

“No! It doesn't work like that!” Ben starts, and Peter resists the urge to slap him. How hard is it for him to see that they don’t need the rules anymore? “If you felt like this, why didn’t you leave with Balthazar?”

_Because I was scared I wasn’t good enough for him without the rules._

“I didn’t want to let you guys down,” Peter says instead. 

\---

_December 5_

Balthazar is walking back from class when Paige all but rams into him. 

“Woah, Paige! Everything ok?” He asks carefully, trying not to fall over. Paige’s grip on his shoulders is the only thing stopping him from hitting the ground. 

“Balthazar," she pants, out of breath as she doubles over. 

“Did you run all the way from uni to catch up to me?” Balth asks sceptically, looking up the road leading to Fred’s house. 

“No. Maybe. Kinda," she pants, standing up slowly. “Have you been watching Ben’s videos?”

Balthazar frowns, a feeling of unease growing in his gut. “No, and with good reason…”

“Peter made you a video, you should watch it.”

Balthazar can't help the way his stomach flips, the way his chest tightens at the mere mention of his name. 

What had Peter filmed for him? Did he want to leave the flat after all? Did they still have a chance?

“C’mon, let's go!" Paige says, almost jumping off the balls of her feet. 

“I am not running, if that’s what you’re asking,” Balthazar laughs nervously, beginning to walk beside her. 

Finally sitting in Vegan Fred’s spare room, the room he refuses to call his own, he opens his laptop. He had turned off notifications for the videos days ago, and he’s surprised to see multiple new ones. 

He’s not sure what he was expecting. Of course they would keep posting videos without him. 

“It’s that one," Paige says, pointing at a video titled ‘A Sonnet.’

“Is that his sonnet for class?” Balthazar frowns uncertainly, why did Paige want him to watch this? He feels his mood falter, maybe it’s not what he thought after all. 

“Just watch."

And so Balthazar does. 

He’s thankful Paige leaves the room, as he finds himself staring at the opening title. 

“A Sonnet, for Balthazar.”

This entire time, he was writing it for him. 

As he listens, his throat tightens at how utterly _genuine_ it sounds, and how beautiful it is. It’s perfect, and it reminds Balthazar why he fell in love with Peter in the first place. 

As tears well in his eyes, Balthazar isn’t sure if it’s from happiness or despair, but what he does know for certain is that he can’t give up now. He has to give Peter another chance. 

Balthazar pauses it on the last frame, frowning slightly. 

_Love, Petrov._

He isn’t sure what he means by Petrov, but he’s certain he knows what he means by love. 

\---

_December 6_

“You can’t just sit there staring at your phone all day.”

Peter looks up at Ben. His eyes are tired, he hasn’t slept since uploading the video. 

“He hasn’t said anything,” Peter murmurs, leaning back in his chair. 

“Hey, I’m sure he loved it,” Ben says carefully, sitting beside him on the couch. “It’s-“

Peter turns around as his phone goes off, it’s not his text tone, but it could still be what he’s hoping for. A youtube notification. 

Dashing to his room, Peter quickly opens his laptop, swearing under his breath as the page loads. 

Balthazar isn't even in the video. And Bea and Meg certainly don’t look happy. 

He anxiously skips through the bits about Ben and Freddie. Not that he doesn’t care about them, but right now the only thing on his mind is Balthazar. 

“What about Balthazar?"

 _Finally_.

Anxiously, Peter listens to the three of them speak. 

“Yes, ok. Peter sang him a song!” 

Peter hates how Beatrice looks, how angry she seems. She told him she was rooting for him and Balth, she had told him she liked the sonnet. Why is she saying these things?

“It was cute when I did it, it was hilarious when Ben did it! But now it’s just sad,” Beatrice snaps, and Peter feels like he’s been stabbed in the gut. 

Tears form in his eyes, and his throat burns. At least Balthazar wasn’t saying it himself. Peter knows that would make it ten times worse. 

“Balthazar may not be here right now, but that’s not because he’s sitting alone in his room, listening to your sonnet on repeat Mr Donaldson.”

“He’s making dinner with Vegan Fred.”

Peter decides then and there, he hates Vegan Fred. And nothing is ever going to change that.

Peter slams the lid of his laptop closed, rubbing his eyes roughly as he grabs his coat. 

“Pete, what's wr-"

“I’m going for a walk. I'll be back later,” Peter snaps, cutting Freddie off as he storms out of the flat. 

How did he let this happen?

All Peter knows for sure is that whatever he and Balthazar had, clearly it’s gone. For good this time. And Peter isn’t sure he can handle that. 

\---

“What the hell is wrong with you!?”

Balthazar rarely raises his voice, rarely makes such a stand, but for once the idea of confrontation doesn’t cause an anxious feeling to swell inside him. 

All that matters is his anger and his hurt. 

“Um, excuse me?" Meg scoffs, turning to face Balthazar as he stands in the doorway. 

“You had no right to say those things on my behalf,” Balth continues, looking at the pair in accusation.

“But it’s true," Bea scoffs, “that sonnet was pathetic, if he wants to make it up to you, he has to do better than that.”

How can she say that? Peter, who has the least amount to atone for put the most amount of effort into this apology, an apology Balth never needed in the first place. 

“No, no it wasn't!" Balthazar says, hands shaking. He’s not sure if it’s from rage or something else. “It was perfect, and it was _us_. Just because it’s not what you would’ve wanted, just because you’re bitter over what’s happened with Ben, that does not mean that you can decide that I’m still bitter at Peter.”

Balthazar stops and stares in silence. The only sound that fills the room is his uneven breathing. For once, Bea is speechless. 

So he turns, and storms from the room. How had everything become so complicated? 

\---

Peter all but jumps out of his seat as he hears his phone go off across the room.

The flat’s mood had significantly decreased since Bea’s video, and they were all at a loss of what to do next. 

Taking a calming breath, Peter unlocks his phone, surprised to see a message from Balthazar. 

**Balthazar:** what meg said, that’s not true. you’re right, we should talk in person, but just so you know, the sonnet was perfect  
 **Balthazar:** i'm sorry she said those things

Peter pauses, tears welling in his eyes, tears of hope, happiness, and _love_. He still has a chance. 

**Peter:** would it be weird if i ran over like, right now?

 **Balthazar:** i think we've waited long enough

Peter lets out a soft laugh, grabbing Ben and Fred’s attention. 

**Balthazar:** (ps if possible bring the others. i think its time all this was sorted out)

“What’s so funny?"

“Put your shoes on, we're going to Vegan Fred’s,” Peter says, ignoring Ben’s question. 

“Uh, judging by the reaction to their gifts, I don’t think that’s going to end well,” Freddie says uncertainly. 

“C’mon guys, we can't just sit around and mope, we have to do _something_ , we have to give it one last try!”

“You were just texting Balthazar, weren’t you?”

Peter points at Ben. "That is beside the point, Benedick.”

“Peter’s right. We can't give up until we’ve at least given it our best shot,” Freddie says carefully, standing up off the couch. 

“One last try then?" Ben sighs, pulling himself up off the couch. 

“I’ll call Costa and Jaquie, I’m sure they’d want to be there for this,” Peter smiles, looking across at his friends. 

They can do this. They can get back what they lost.

\---

“Balthazar! Get down here!”

Balthazar would usually ignore Meg, assuming she had just found some new fashion blog or needed an opinion on something Balthazar really isn’t authorised to give. 

But not this time, because he knows what’s downstairs, he knows what’s about to happen. 

Yet as he enters the dining room, he realises that maybe it won’t end so well, not for everyone at least. 

“We don’t want to go back to your stupid flat and it’s stupid rules!” 

“Woah, everyone calm down-“ Vegan Fred attempts, but only ends up receiving a glare from Freddie. 

“Look, guys, Vegan Fred is letting us stay until we find something different,” Balthazar says carefully, not wanting Peter to think he agreed with Meg and Bea. “There’s nothing else to talk about.”

“Balthy, no. He just wants you for your body.”

Balthazar frowns. Is that seriously what they thought back at the flat? That he and Fred were a thing? 

“It’s not like that! I don’t see him that way!”

“But he sees you that way,” Freddie starts, “you’re like a piece of meat to him!” 

Balthazar scoffs, flinching back slightly. “He’s vegan!” 

The conversation goes back and forth again, jumping between topics faster than Balthazar can keep up with. 

But then Freddie says something that changes everything, for everyone. 

“We’ve scrapped the rules.”

_Finally._

“Well, it’s too late!" Meg scoffs, and Balthazar almost wants to throttle her. Of course it’s Meg, the one with the least investment in this whole drama who gets to decide when it’s too late. “You guys can do a lot better than that.”

 _How_ can they do better? It’s the rules that put them in this mess in the first place, and now they’re gone. They only thing better than that is time travel, and last Balth checked none of them were even remotely into science. 

Looking around the room, Balth’s eyes land on Peter. He just wants this to be over with, so he can be happy. 

So he and Peter can finally straighten out whatever’s happened between them. 

_Ha. Straighten._

Soon, Balthazar finds himself outside looking out over the balcony. 

Bea walks up to him, and he distantly registers Freddie and Kit talking in the background. 

“What are you going to do?”

Balthazar looks across at Bea, seeing the uncertainty in her eyes. 

“I’m going to forgive him. And I’m going to talk, a lot,” Balthazar says softly. “It’s long overdue, I guess.”

“I’m sorry for those things I said about his sonnet, by the way,” Bea sighs, “I loved it. I’m rooting for you guys.”

“Apology accepted," Balthazar nods, avoiding simply saying ‘it’s ok’. It’s one of the things his counsellor is getting him to do. Avoid saying things are ok when they’re not. Apparently it’s a character flaw. 

“Anyway, I think someone's getting impatient,” Bea laughs, glancing behind her to where Peter hovers, unsure whether or not to interrupt them. “Good luck.”

Balthazar shakes his head in disbelief as Peter approaches him, Costa yelling encouragement from the sidelines. 

He’s aware of the camera filming him, but for once he doesn’t mind so much. 

“You… watched the video," Peter says carefully, uncertainly. 

“Yeah,” Balth nods in response, suddenly feeling nervous. But he realises, it’s not a scary kind of nervous. For the first time, it’s almost exhilarating. 

Peter pauses for a moment, clearly considering what to say next. 

“I love you."

Years of dreaming and hoping could never live up to the real thing. Never compare to the fluttering feeling in his chest as Peter looks at him, eyes genuine and sincere and _full of love_.

“I kind of… love you too,” Balthazar says in response, wishing it could’ve been smoother, but he realises he doesn’t care. It’s so them, such a perfect summary of their journey. And Balth wouldn’t trade that for the world. 

“Kind of?” Peter laughs, his smile bright and teasing. 

“Kind of a lot, yeah," Balthazar smiles in response. 

Almost instinctively, he finds himself stepping closer to Peter, like every moment, every mistake, every confession has been leading to this. Years of pining finally leading here, pulling them together. 

It barely lasts a moment, but it’s enough to know that kissing Peter Donaldson is better than anything he ever could’ve imagined. 

Wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck, he clings to him, burrowing his face in his neck. 

He knows it's not over yet, and they still have plenty to talk about, but for now it’s enough. Enough to feel Peter holding him just as desperately as Balth is. 

“I love you," Balth whispers, saying it properly this time. “So much.”

Peter makes what sounds like a sob into Balth’s shoulder, but Balthazar only holds him tighter. 

\---

It’s three am, but Peter isn’t tired. Ok, maybe he’s a little bit tired, but it doesn’t feel like it matters. 

He’s spent the last eight hours talking with Balthazar, pulling apart everything that went wrong between them, realising how stupid they had been. 

It took them a while to reach the root of the problem. 

After countless "I don't get why you did this”, they’ve come to a fairly simple solution. 

If it was before the rules, Peter didn’t think he was good enough for Balth. Post rules, both of them thought the other didn’t care for them, didn’t love them. 

It seems stupid now, looking back. Balth had never stopped loving him, not even for a moment. All that worry was all for nothing. 

“We really are stupid, aren’t we,” Balth laughs softly, his voice quiet. 

They’re laying back on Balth’s bed, limbs tangled. Balth’s brushing his fingers gently against Peter’s chest, sending the occasional shivers across his skin. 

Peter hums in response, placing a gentle kiss to the top of Balthazar’s head. 

“I think it was worth it though,” Peter adds. “If we had got together at the end of last year, we wouldn’t have lasted through that whole self-destructive phase.”

Balth sighs, shifting to be able to see Peter’s face. “I thought we agreed to leave the past in the past.”

His words are serious, but with the way Balth is resting his chin on Peter’s chest, he can’t help but smile. 

“You’re adorable."

“And you’re incredibly attractive,” Balth says teasingly, but combined with the look in his eyes, Peter knows he’s not joking. 

“Oh really," Peter counters, a hand going to Balthazar’s waist. 

“Oh shut up," Balthazar scoffs, leaning down to kiss Peter, hands cupping his cheeks. 

Peter doesn't think he'll ever get used to kissing Balthazar. He’s kissed plenty of people in his time, but not one has been as good as Balthazar. 

Not one has felt this right. 

And Peter’s certain that no one else will, ever again. 

\---

_December 7_

As Balthazar slowly wakes, he realises he’s alone. He frowns for a moment, confused, until he feels the small bruise on his collar bone. 

Not a dream then. 

Pulling on a sweater, he carefully trudges out into the living area. Hearing noise in the kitchen, he makes his way over. 

“Morning,” Balthazar smiles, seeing Peter drinking a coffee. “You could’ve woken me up.”

“Nah, you looked peaceful,” Peter shrugs, putting his mug down to rest his hands on Balthazar’s waste. He smiles at the contact, leaning into Peter. 

“What’s the time? And where are the others?”

“11,” Peter says, reaching over Balthazar to grab a second mug from the cupboard. “Ben is locked away in his room, Freds is out with Kit.”

Balthazar nods in thanks as Peter hands him some coffee. He takes his time with the first sip, enjoying the comfortable silence. 

“You know we're going to have to talk to them too, about everything.”

Peter nods. Balthazar notes the anger in his eyes.

“I know they weren't exactly kind to us Pete, but we have to move on. They — Ben especially — need our help right now.”

“You are just… so _good_. You know that right?” Peter smiles, looking at Balthazar fondly. 

“And so are you, whether you believe it or not,” Balthazar responds wholeheartedly. 

Leaning against the kitchen counter, smiling at Peter as they drink their morning coffee, he doesn’t think it can get much better than this. 

“I love you," Peter laughs, shifting closer to kiss Balthazar’s nose. Balth’s heart still flips when he hears those three words, and it blows his mind that they can just say it. So casually, so perfectly. 

“Tease,” Balthazar response, leaning up to capture Peter’s lips in a kiss. 

“I still can't believe I can do this,” Peter smiles softly, his breath brushing against Balthazar’s skin. 

“We better get you used to it then,” 

“You are such a dork."

-

A few hours later, everyone is awake. And everyone knows what has to happen. 

Balthazar watches as everyone sits in silence in the living room, all on separate couches. He knows they’re waiting for him. 

Sighing, he takes a moment in the kitchen as he leans against the counter. 

With Peter, the conversation’s felt easy, and he knows they were necessary. 

And sure, this conversation will be important too, but Balthazar would rather just forget about it and put it all behind him. 

Taking a deep breath in, he pushes himself off the counter and walks into the living room. Carefully, he takes his seat beside Peter. 

“Guys, I just want to start by saying I’m sorry,” Ben sighs, looking across everyone, “to all of you, but Balthazar specifically.”

“Ben. It's fine."

“Ok, as much as I know you’re capable, I’m just going to step in here,” Peter says carefully, and Balthazar shoots him a confused look. “Ben, it’s not fine, and you should definitely not do it again.” Peter goes silent, and Balthazar laughs gently. 

“But I accept your apology," Balthazar nods, smiling gently. 

“I guess I was so caught up in the rules I didn’t stop to think how it was affecting everyone else,” Ben explains. 

“And I was so desperate for control I thought the rules were the only way I could get it.”

“And I was rude and abhorrent about everything which made it impossible to communicate.”

“And I didn't voice any of my concerns.”

Ben laughs, flailing his arms in a very Ben fashion. “Communication!”

“None of us have been very good at it this year,” Peter sighs, glancing at Balthazar. 

“So we can all agree that we should all be better in the future, and put everything behind us?” Freddie suggests. 

Balthazar nods, looking around the room. 

“Sounds good to me," Peter smiles. 

“One last thing," Ben says, pulling out a piece of paper. “I suggest a new set of rules, just to keep us from killing each other you know?”

Balthazar looks at the paper in front of him, covered in messy handwriting and evidently done last minute. 

**1\. No loud noises between 10 pm and 7 am**   
**2\. Vegan Fridays!!!!**   
**3\. Flat bonding just for fun once a week? (pls ill love you forever if you say yes)**   
**4\. Avoid PDA in communal areas (i’m looking at you Peter)**   
**5\. Chores i guess so Freds doesn’t yell at us**   
**6\. Oh and stick to the flat budget so we don't freeze to death**   
_**SUBCLAUSES** _   
**No punishments!!!! :)**

“Are we sure we want another set of rules?” Peter asks carefully, eying the list uncertainly. Balthazar can understand his caution, after everything they’ve been through do they want to risk a repeat?

“Think of them more as guidelines than rules,” Freddie shrugs, “they won’t be as intense, but we need at least some guidance or we’ll be back to where we started.”

Balthazar nods, looking at them carefully. “I think they’re right.” As much as he’s glad the rules are gone, he doesn’t exactly want to go back to how things were at the start of the year either. 

Although as he feels Peter’s hand brush against his own, he doesn’t think there’s any chance of that happening anymore. 

“Ok,” Peter nods, "but as soon as there’s a problem we talk about it, yeah?”

“Agreed,” Ben smiles. Balthazar laughs as he jumps off the couch, running to tape it to the wall. 

Balthazar laughs as he struggles and the paper flutters to the floor. Eventually, he hangs it up (not before managing to get tape on his face) and he turns to face them. 

“I’m so glad we're all friends again,” Ben grins, looking across the room. 

“Me too,” Peter laughs, and Balthazar can’t help but grin as Peter jumps up off the couch, messing up Ben’s hair before pulling him in for a quick hug. 

Now there’s only one more thing that needs to be set right, and Balthazar is _praying_ his plan will work. 

\---

_December 8_

“We have to do something about Ben and Bea.”

Peter looks up from his phone and across at Balthazar. He’s currently sitting cross-legged on Peter’s bed — ukulele in hand — while Peter sits at his desk. 

“I think we've done enough meddling in their relationship,” Peter says carefully, turning off his phone. “We have to let them sort it out this time.”

“We should at least give them a push in the right direction,” Balthazar insists, hopping off the bed after placing the ukulele carefully behind him. 

“What are you implying?" Peter frowns, seeing a glimmer of something in Balthazar’s eyes. 

He’s still not used to Balth finally being so open with him again. They haven’t been this close since high school, and everything just feels _right_ again. 

“Do you still have all that bath footage? I think there’s a part with Ben that we never uploaded.”

Peter nods, reaching an arm out. “Come sit, we’ll look through it.”

Balthazar takes his hand, laughing softly as Peter pulls him into his lap. “We could’ve just sat on the bed.”

“But where’s the fun in that,” Peter teases, placing a soft kiss to the top of Balthazar’s head before opening up his laptop. 

Even though Peter doesn't want to risk meddling in Ben and Bea’s lives again, he also knows that he can’t just let them break up. 

No way did they last through all those stupid rules to break up now, not if Peter has a say in it. 

\---

_December 11_

Balthazar watches Peter's expression as he works on uploading the video. They uploaded Ben singing “ _Beatrice you’re Vivacious_ ” a few days ago, and now there’s only one Balth in a Bath video left. 

It’s a little bittersweet. 

“Are you done yet?" Balthazar smiles, flicking Peter’s forehead and receiving a pointed look in response. 

“Just a minute, I have to write the description,” Peter murmurs, looking back to the screen. 

“How about now?" Balth grins, resting his chin on Peter’s shoulder. 

“Balth,” Peter laughs softly, leaning into him slightly, “you’re making this slower.”

“What, am I distracting you?” Balth shifts his head closer so that his lips brush against Peter’s cheek as he speaks. 

“I’ve missed this side of you,” Peter smiles, tilting his head just far enough to capture Balth’s lips in a chaste kiss before turning back to the laptop. “But I do need to upload this.”

Balthazar has discovered that kissing Peter is unlike kissing anyone he has before. Even small moments like these, moments he would’ve never even dreamed about, are perfect. All because it’s him, and it’s Peter. And Balthazar wouldn’t change any of it. 

“Stupid uploads," Balth pouts, but leans back away from Peter none the less, knowing he would have his attention shortly. 

_December 12_

Balthazar looks up to a knock at his door, smiling as he sees Peter. 

“Hey, did you finish your work?”

“Not quite," Peter shrugs, “but Ben wants us to film a video, to you know, catch everyone up on everything.” Peter pauses for a moment, and when Balthazar doesn’t speak, he continues. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Balthazar frowns. On one hand, it would be the right thing to do, to give closure to everyone watching the mess that is their lives. 

On the other hand, he isn’t so sure about putting any more of Peter and him on the internet than there already is. 

But hey, what's one more video? After this they can go back to normal, just posting music and challenges. No more drama, no more extravagant rules or punishments. 

“Yeah, why not," Balth nods, standing up from his desk chair. “But before we do, we need to know what’s off-limits for the camera.”

Peter nods, closing the door behind him. “Nothing about my drinking, nothing more than there already is anyway.”

“And nothing about my anxiety,” Balth nods carefully, his eyes on the ground. 

“Anything else?" Peter steps closer, putting a hand on Balthazar’s waist. 

“Nah, that’s all," Balth nods, smiling slightly as he lifts his eyes to Peter’s. 

“Let’s go then," Peter smiles in response, taking Balth’s hand as they walk out to the living room. 

Sitting in front of the camera and Ben is a weird feeling, Peter’s arm behind him the one source of comfort. 

It’s not that it's stressful per se, there’s just that so much has happened on this couch that it’s hard to believe that this is a happy video, not a sad one. 

“We’ve already talked everything from this year over, so there’s not much for us to say,” Peter warns Ben as he starts the camera.

“Then just give them the brief version,” Ben shrugs, “you don’t have to say much, just enough so that they know you’re on good terms.”

“I think it's more than just good terms,” Balthazar mutters to himself, and Peter snorts beside him. 

“I don’t want to know what you just said, so I’m just going to move on,” Ben frowns, raising his eyebrows at the pair of them. 

Halfway through the video, the topic of Damien is brought up. 

“You dated Damien," Peter says carefully. 

“Broke up with Damien, that took some time,” Balthazar responds. “But I needed to do that, that was good for me.”

“You seemed happier after that,” Peter nods, and Balthazar frowns at the tone in his voice. 

“You didn’t."

Balthazar looks at Peter, frowning as he avoids eye contact. 

“Pete?”

“It’s fine, just not a fan of Damien,” Peter brushes aside, but Balthazar can see there’s more than just that. 

“This isn’t about what he did, is it?”

“Wait, what did Damien do?” Ben says, his voice suddenly full of anger, “I will drive all the way back home to beat him up if I have to.”

“For a start, Damien would wipe the floor with you,” Peter raises an eyebrow, and Balthazar drops his eyes to the floor.

“It’s in the past now," Balthazar promises. “Can we just continue with the video?”

Ben sighs, sitting back down. “Yeah, I guess.”

As the video draws to a close, Balthazar frowns as Ben says he put a lot of effort into their relationship. 

Any effort he did put in hindered them more than it helped. 

Shaking his head, Balthazar realises he doesn’t care. All that matters is that they’re here, and there are no more misunderstandings. 

Sure he still has a long way to go before everything feels right again, but at least he’ll have Peter by his side. 

“Let’s go,” he grins, pulling Peter off the couch by their joined hands. 

“It’s you! It’s a ship! It’s sailing!”

Balthazar huffs out a laugh, shaking his head gently as they approach their bedroom. Balthazar frowns, when had he started calling it their bedroom?

They’re almost at _the_ bedroom when Balthazar hears the front door open and close, rattling the door frame. 

He can’t help but smile a little as he notices it’s Bea, followed by Meg and Fred.

“Hey Fred,” Peter says coldly, and Balthazar can’t help but grimace. They’ve already been over this, and Peter knows Balthazar feels nothing towards him. Doesn’t mean the same can be said for Fred. 

But as long as Fred respects that it won’t happen, Balthazar hopes everything will turn out ok, for everyone. 

It’s almost comical, how everyone conveniently arrives in the middle of Ben and Bea’s discussion. 

However, Balth notes that they don’t let it hinder them. Continuing in true Beadick — as they had once been dubbed — fashion. 

Balthazar almost wishes their conversation had gone on longer, because as soon as they’ve made up, he can feel all eyes on him. 

Two eyes in particular. 

“Hey Balth… If I don’t say this now, I’m never going to say it. There’s always space at mine, if you need.”

If given the chance, Balthazar knows he would’ve fumbled his way through an apology, but he also knows he much prefers this option. 

Watching Peter carefully select an egg before hurling it across the room towards an unsuspecting vegan? More enjoyable than he’d like to admit. 

Almost as enjoyable as watching Peter get covered in flour in response.

But not nearly as enjoyable as feeling Peter’s lips against his, hands caressing his back as the sound of their friends' laughter fills the room, pillows and feathers flying through the air. 

He can’t even find it in him to care that Fred was filming them so closely, even if it was slightly voyeuristic. 

He simply places his hand against Peter’s waist before planting a kiss on his cheek.

“What’s got you so bold all of a sudden?” Peter asks with a smile, hands brushing against Balthazar’s. 

“You,” Balthazar replies wholeheartedly. Peter simply grins even wider, shaking his head in joy. He’s not stupid, he knows his anxiety isn’t just going to vanish now that he’s with Peter, hell it might never go away entirely. But at least he won’t have to figure it out on his own. In the few weeks away from Peter, Balthazar realised how hard it is being alone, how hard it is having no one to confide in. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Balthazar wishes that night could’ve lasted forever, the smiles, the laughter, the love. 

But no high lasts forever. 

“Hero?”

\---

Peter doesn’t know why he’s crying. 

Leo is ok, he’s alive, and he’s most likely going to be ok. 

But his mentor, the one he’s always looked up to, the infallible Leo is sick. 

“I’m sorry,” Peter mutters, scrubbing at his eyes as he leans against Balthazar. He never thought he’d be able to feel small next to him, but as he curls up into his side, he almost feels like a kid again. 

“Don’t apologise for being human,” Balthazar simply responds, fingers running through Peter’s hair. 

“We have to help them, Balth,” Peter says softly, slowly sitting up straighter. He doesn’t move away from Balthazar though. If anything, he moves closer. 

“There’s nothing you can do Pete, some things they have to work through their own,” Balth sighs. 

“I could train the soccer team-“

“What about university? You only just got your grades back up.”

“I can just take a year off,” Peter shrugs. He can’t just sit here and do nothing. 

“And leave me here with Freddie?”

Peter laughs softly, his eyes still sore and tear-stained, but no longer full of fear. “You’re right, that would be hell.”

“When we’re back home, we can cook him a dinner or something,” Balthazar says quietly. 

“That sounds nice.”

“You ready to sleep?”

Peter hums in response, resting his head on Balthazar’s shoulder. “Let’s get some sleep.”

\---

_December 20_

  
_(2017)_

  
“Peter, what box are my shirts in?” Balthazar yells across the apartment in nothing but skinny jeans and socks, cardboard boxes covering the majority of the floor space. 

“You know, I’m half tempted not to tell you,” Peter grins, leaning against the doorframe. Balthazar stands up straighter, eyebrows raised. It’s their first night in their new apartment, and John, Ben, Bea, and Hero will be over any minute to help them unpack. John and Hero grew a lot closer during 2015, against all odds. After almost all their friends moved to Wellington, being the two left behind worked wonders. Peter keeps saying they must be dating, but Balthazar is yet to believe him. 

“ _Peter_.“

Peter raises his hands in mock surrender, the smile not leaving his face for a second. “They’re in the same box as my books.”

Balthazar rolls his eyes, skidding across the hardwood floor in his socks as he reaches the box. 

“Oh, did you double-check the flights by the way?” Balthazar calls over his shoulder as he rummages through the box. 

“Booked for the 26th, just in time for a belated Christmas with the parents,” Peter assures, wrapping his arms around Balth’s waist. “I’ve got it all under control, don’t worry about it.”

“There’s no harm in double-checking-“

Peter cuts Balth off, placing a kiss to the back of his shoulder and tightening his arms around his waist. “What did Jen tell you?”

“That I can’t do everything myself.”

“And?”

“I can trust you to do things properly without me watching.”

Balthazar smiles at the feeling of Peter smiling against the bare skin of his shoulder, and rests his hands atop Peter’s. 

“I love you.”

“And as much as I love you, I can’t put this shirt on with you wrapped around me.”

“That’s kinda the point.”

Balthazar laughs, twisting his head to kiss Peter’s temple. “We have guests arriving any minute, Pete.”

“You’re no fun,” Peter pouts, retracting his arms as Balthazar slides on his shirt, letting Peter do the buttons. 

Balth can’t believe this is his life. A loving boyfriend, a caring family, and close friends. He has everything he could’ve dreamed of; his musical is career growing, Peter’s already doing work experience at his dream school, and all the drama from their teenage years is long gone. 

All that’s left is love. His love for his life, his love for his friends that are soon becoming family, and most importantly his love for Peter. 

The love he wouldn’t trade for the world. 


End file.
